Should I end it for good? Don't know what to do!

[Indiink]

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married 3 and have 2 daughters aged 6 and 2. Over the past 3 years his drinking became unbearable. After work he would drink 3 or 4 bottles of strong beer, a bottle of wine and several large glasses of whisky or brandy. We would sit watching TV together and I would watch him get totally wrecked every single night. Some nights he would be verbally abusive and call me a bitch, ugly or a slag. A year a go we went out to a party at friends with the kids and he got totally wrecked. We got home and he passed out on d's bed. I woke him by tickling his feet and he got into a silly play fight mood. He ended up putting his hands round my throat and kept squeezing so I couldn't breathe. I punched him in the face and he let go. This was witnessed by our 6yrold. He has no memory of doing this. It really frightened me and I told him if he did anything like it again I would leave.
2 months ago, he came home from being at the pub for 3 hours, and I was a bit off with him. He was angry with me for always getting at him. I apologised and tried to give him a kiss. He pushed me away and I kept trying to kiss him in a jokey sort of way. He ended up grabbing my ear and pulling it until I was almost lifting off the sofa. The pain was immense, I honestly thought he was going to rip it off. Our d screamed at him to stop, which he did and I ran into the kitchen with my d following me asking if I was okay.
The next day I packed and took my daughters to a hotel. The following day was spent trying to find somewhere to live, but we had no help so I had to go back home, but H agreed to leave and got a room above his local pub, of all places.

After a month of living apart, he asked to talk. He told me he wanted his family back. He then confessed that the night before he went out and got drunk and ended up kissing another girl. He was totally ashamed and mortified. He was crying and saying he'd felt so guilty. He got up that morning throwing up with anxeity and feeling suicidal. He said he loved me and only me, that he can't survive without me. I took him back and he moved in again, but I had just signed a 6 month lease on a house, so had to move out. As soon as I'd moved out I realised I had made a mistake getting back together with him. It was too soon. He hardly drinks at all now, but I just can't trust him, with the alcohol, the abuse and the kissing other women.

We still see each other practically every day and it's breaking my heart. I still love him so much and seeing him looking so much better and being nicer makes it so hard to be strong and not fall into his arms. What should I do? Feel very lonely and lost.

I think the physical violence witnessed by your children is by far your biggest problem. He could have killed you in front of your child. I think he needs to seriously work on this and you need to stay away while that process is ongoing. I'm sorry.

Have you ever asked him why he drank so much?

So he nearly strangled you, nearly pulled your ear off and now you're worried because he kissed someone?

You should tell him to keep away from your family. Your poor children, having a father like him. You should have reported both incidents to the police - even if he didn't get charged you could use them as a reason why you only want him to have contact at a contact centre.

Don't fool yourself you love him, for god's sake. He's a violent drunk who has managed to stop drinking because he wants his home back. Think of your children and tell him to fuck off.

What your children have witnessed will stay with them for life. They will not forget what they saw.

If you continue to have a relationship with this man, you are giving them the message that it is acceptable to treat a woman this way.

Is he having any form of support/treatment for the alcoholism? Has he admitted he's an alcoholic? Has he sought help to deal with his violent outbursts?

Yes, ashamednamechanger, I would ask him every week why he drank so much and he said it was to stop him feeling anxious. That may have been true at first but this year I realised he would only be anxious if he didn't drink, that it was infact withdrawal symptoms. When he started buying tesco value whisky in a plastic bottle I knew he was an alcoholic and needed help.

Okay, but was there some pivital event or moment when he started to drink so much?
I mean, did he drink like this when you first met?

He is getting help from addictive behaviours services and on most days he doesn't drink , but he still has the odd beer or bttle of wine when feeling down or lonely. At the moment, all they want him to do is try not to drink and write down when he does, which he hasn't. He told me last week that he didn't think there was much point going to the sessions because they weren't helping (it was the 2nd session). He's supposed to be having a test to see if there is scarring on his liver. I feel he hasn't done enough and needs to stop drinking for good, but he doesn't see this. He is in total denial about the violence and abuse. Says it may have been harsh but I had pushed him too far when he pulled my ear. He also said he hated to think what I've said to other people about him, that I'm over dramatic, as though I've made the whole thing up. This was when I realised nothing had changed.

He has always been a drinker, but no he really didn't drink this much. if he managed to drink a bottle of wine or equivalent 10 years ago he would be very very sick, but in 2003 he started working away during the week and then 3 years later went self-employed working locally and it was then I noticed he was drinking a bottle of wine a night. He has just built up his tolerance over the years so needs to take more. He was very young when we got together (19) so he's sort of grown up with me (or not as the case may be)

Don't they say an addict stays at the emotional age he/she was when they first started the addiction?

a) he knows he can be aggressive, abusive and violent to you when he's been drinking,
and
b) he's still drinking

Add those two things together and it very clearly shows that you (and your children) are far less important to him than alcohol is.

The fact that he is not engaging properly with the addictive behaviours service, while blaming them for his own failures, underlines the fact that actually he doesn't want to stop drinking. He might well want bad things to stop happening when he drinks, and I'd bet money that he wishes you'd stop having a go at him about his drinking. But he fully intends to continue drinking and if that means that he's risking getting aggressive and violent towards you again then that is a risk he is willing to take. Booze matters more to him than you do. I've been in a relationship where I came a distant second place to alcohol and there is no way on earth I'd ever make that mistake again.

He's a violent drunk. Rather than wondering if you are justified in leaving him, surely the question should be "what possible reason can there be to stay?"

You deserve better than this.

That's very interesting ImperialBlether, I've not heard that before. It makes quite a bit of sense. I did wonder if having our first child pushed him over the edge. On bad days I've thought I pushed him to drink.

Don't think I will ever understand why this has all happened and why our lives has turned into such a mess. It's hard to stay strong and not fall apart. Cried in front of my girls today. feel so shit.

The reason your lives (that's yours and DC's) turned to shit is because this man is a useless wanker. Get rid of him and things will get better.

I agree with Snorbs - he has no intention of giving up drinking, he's keeping it acceptable levels atm because of what's at stake. But he's not serious about engaging with the recovery programme, if he were, he'd do it properly.

And he hasn't accepted any responsibility for his violence. Like most abusers, he blames his victim for his behaviour and doesn't see that he needs to address that every bit as much as his drinking.

He's dangerous. Have you reported any of his behaviour to the police? I would not wnat to send my children to be "looked after" by a man like this, because frankly I wouldn't trust him to send them back to me safely.

Indi, try and be strong for your DDs. they are your priority. I think you know in your heart that the the physical abuse will happen again at some point - if you carry on seeing your H. Are you now living on your own with DC? that's how I've read it.
Try to break away and regain some self-esteem and prospective on your life and your girls. I wish you all the best - once physical abuse has happened more than once - I can assure you (from my own experience) it will happen again and it is not acceptable - how ever much he loves you and you love him. I hope this helps x

In answer to your OP title, YES leave him, please don't waste another moment of your life with this man. He is a violent alcoholic and nothing you can do, or say will change that. You and your kids deserve to be happy and the only person who can make that happen is you. Gather your strength and resources and get as far away as you possibly can. Make this next year the one where YOU decide how your life goes.

Just wanted to thank everyone who responded for their advice and encouragement. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I have done the right thing leaving him. It is very hard ending a relationship after so many years no matter how crap its been. It is hard being a single mum, living in a house that isn't our home, with no family close by. It is hard to stay strong, but I will for my girls.