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Relationships

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Original poster

Effect on children of parents getting new partners

17 replies

numberonedad · 28/12/2011 19:22

What is your experience of new partners and children? What is your experience if your seperated parents have found new partners? What is your experience if you are a parent who has bought a new partner into your childrens family?

Having been a single dad for a few years [though sharing care 50% of time] and my DC's mother not necessarily demonstrating as much love and support as she might, so my relationship to DC is important. Is there room for me to be involved with someone? A SiL felt that there was no where for her to go when her parents found new partners.

So what is your experience and wisdom?

OP posts:

issey6cats · 28/12/2011 19:26

of course theres room in your life for another partner, just take things slowly and dont introduce your new partner to the kids until your sure its going to be long term and introduce her slowly and carefully so the kids feel that they are important and not pushed out by the new lady, handled right it can work good luck

primrose22 · 29/12/2011 10:16

Of course there is room! I began a relationship (slowly!) with my dp, when I was a single parent with a ex dh who had moved away and saw his dc only once or twice a month.
Don't even consider introducing anyone to your dc's until you know its a serious relationship and from experience let your kids take the lead (if that makes sense!) We met up with my dp for a coffee once or twice and he was introduced as a friend to my dc's. After one or two meetings they began to ask after him and we'd meet up for longer e.g.: trips to the park, cinema etc. This went on for ages!!!! My dd actually suggested that he should be my 'boyfriend' and at that point we both felt that things would be ok We both had to be very patient and he always regarded our meet ups, as time with all of us, rather than just an opportunity to see me!
I know that my dp being around has made a huge and positive difference to all our lives, I can really understand how reluctant and worried you may feel about the whole idea, its exactly how I felt!!

Smum99 · 29/12/2011 11:39

It is possible as others say but take it slowly, I think it does depend on the children's ages, the younger is easier. My DH has been a fantastic role model for my dd and she feels that her life is enhanced because he is in her life.

HoHoHoudini · 29/12/2011 11:43

I am going to lurk on this thread, as (with a bit of luck) this is about to become pertinent to MY life

WaitingForMe · 29/12/2011 11:48

I adored my stepfather (deceased) and love that the relationship brought my stepbrothers into my life.

DH has a better relationship with his sons because of me. I can take care of one while he gets some precious one-to-one time with the other. We did it just like promise22 which I think is vital. There's room if you meet someone who can see you as a package rather than a guy who happens to have kids.

primrose22 · 29/12/2011 11:53

Maybe I should add that at the time my dc's were 4 and 8. I wouldn't pretend for a minute that it was a breeze but thanks to my lovely dp always putting them first, it has worked. I can't be sure but I am hopeful that one day they will say that their childhood was a happy one!
Good luck hoho, here if you need to talk!

LePruneDeMaTante · 29/12/2011 12:03

Whenever my parents got new partners, we were shut out. Physically. Shut out of rooms or shut out of lives by a parent relocating. Not allowed to use certain rooms in a parent's partner's house. This went on until I was 28 or so, and hurt just as much then as it did when I was 10.

I wanted those partners to be 'family' because I needed a family, not just a single parent. I still do. I gave my stepmother a lovely present this year for Christmas, she's having a very hard time with her own family and I thought this would be appreciated. NOTHING. I'm able to shrug that sort of thing off now and I wasn't as a younger person, not by a long way. I understand that there are boundaries but a little empathy and pleasantness from a new partner is so appreciated by a small child. Keeping the partner separate just emphasizes the 'otherness' and rejection, in my experience (very personal).

mouldyironingboard · 29/12/2011 14:00

There is room for a new partner as long as you take things slowly and let a relationship develop over years rather than months. Don't introduce your DC to anyone until a few months in and allow loads of time for them to get to know her. Don't have her to stay when your DC are around until they know her well and have met her many times. It is usual to expect it to take at least 2-3 years before everyone completely adjusts to being part of a blended family. There are many helpful books available which give guidance.

My (now adult!) DC get on brilliantly with their stepfather (my DH) and developed a close bond with their stepmum (my ex-h's DW), who is lovely. Unfortunately my DH's ex has caused so much trouble, I don't see my stepchildren but my DH still sees them on his own. Is your ex likely to cause problems if you meet someone new?

Ateallthepurpleones · 29/12/2011 14:12

When I got together with xh he wasn't seeing his dd as it was going through Court. It took so long that by the time a court order was made for him to see her we were living together, so whenever she saw him she saw me too, so there was no slowly introducing me or anything, we just built our relationship as we went along.

As long as whoever you are with realises how important it is that the child and their feelings need to be considered, and has a handle on what those feelings might be, then there is absolutely no reason why it shouldn't work out.

I'm no longer with dsd's Dad, but still have a great relationship with her. She's still very my my dsd, she comes on holiday with dd and I, and she has just spent Christmas with us.

JennaTailor · 29/12/2011 15:38

Split with son's dad when son was 4. I had a few relationships in this time but they never met my son and he never knew about them. When he was 12 i met someone and knew it was going to be long term. He met my son with in a few weeks and with in a few months i was pregnant and he moved in.
Son and 'step dad' have always had a great relationship - even now 11 yrs later.

I think the key is to only ever introduce someone you are really really sure that is or will be a long term relationship. Otherwise (especially as you have 50/50) keep your relationship and a new women to your self.

Make sure you have spoken the new man/new women about parenting styles and your expectations of them. (my new DP knew from the out set that i didnt want him to try and be a 'new dad' for my son) - we discussed discipline and i feel we both knew where we stood. Obviously we also spoke about how he (new man) felt about it and any concerns he had.

staylucky · 29/12/2011 16:20

Agree with the taking it slow advice above although ages of kids is really the key. Saying that I met and moved in my DP in a relatively short space of time when my DD was 3... we were lucky that they hit it off really well. He continues to be a fantastic role model for her and she at 8 now understands that he doesn't ever attempt to take her fathers place but gives her something different by way of experience than her father could have. I am absolutely thrilled to able to provide my children with an example of what a healthy relationship is all about. My DD has a wonderful father figure in her life, one who adores her mum, THAT I know will have a lasting impact on all our lives.

My mum was a serial romantic, would start love affairs, switch partners, get bored and go out on the prowl for another....it was exhausting and scary for us as kids. She once said to me when I was about 12 "Well it's alright me giving up my entire life for you lot but one day you'll leave home and then i'll be on my own, i'm entitled to have some fun" What she actually meant was though that she saw being our mum as a short term thing and continually put herself first. Have some awful memories of childhood and the disruption and just wish she could have done as others above mention, make sure it's for real and long term before involving children.

You deserve to be with someone, and to be happy :)

TheBolter · 29/12/2011 16:44

DON'T do what a twat I know has recently done; split up from his wife and within a month taken his four young dcs on holiday with his new partner, then have her start fulfilling all his ex's roles within their family home. The man is angry with his ex but boy does he know how to put his jnsecure needs and big fat ego before the fragile sensitivities of his children.

That said, everyone on this thread seems remarkably sensible - good for you for being so too, and good luck

atlantiszone · 29/12/2011 17:04

Agree with most of the comments here, it is the right thing to do as long as you're sensible and take things slowly.

I was a LP with a DD until I got married to DH last year and she couldn't be happier, she adores him and they are both sporty and like going canoeing together. She is 12 and it probably is easier to make adjustments when they are younger, but I only met DH when she was seven and spent time getting to know him and I wanted us to have the security of marriage before living together. It's made a huge difference to our lifestyle, we are financially secure, we have a proper house to live in now instead of a rented flat, we can go on family holidays and days out and there is a better dynamic with the three of us than just mother and daughter.

I am a much happier person now I feel secure in a relationship, although saying that, I spent the first seven years of her life as a single person and learning to be content with just me and not rushing into the next relationship. It was important to do that, I think, and not try to seek happiness through being one half of a couple.

chelen · 29/12/2011 18:59

Hello, I'm a stepmum, my DP has a son who lives here most of the time and we now also have a son together. I think a partner could really help you in your parenting not take away from it. You just need the right type of partner - one who understands how important your kids are, how you will not be just like a nuclear family, someone who has a bit of a thick skin.

It is not easy, being a stepmum is brutally hard sometimes, but I know I have made a contribution to my SS' life and have helped my DP in his role as a father.

I think a happy parent is good for the children. Also it is healthy to model good relationships. Just take it slowly and do your best to choose wisely!

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 19:12

There is room but you have to take it slowly. When I went out with a separated man with a DD, I didn't go around when he had her to start with-I felt that she came first.

zest01 · 29/12/2011 22:40

We are a successfully "blended" family and it works well. The children benefit from having extra people in their lives to listen to them and support them. It has to be the right person though and you have to be willing to communicate and compromise along the way. It's a rollercoaster but then isn't that the same for "traditional" families too

starsintheireyes · 29/12/2011 23:23

thebolter I wonder if I know you! v similar story!

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