MIL emotional dependency on SIL and damage to the family

[MsFanackerPants]

I'm not really sure how to title this so hopefully my post will make more sense. I'm feeling very frustrated and sad on behalf of my SIL as well as my DH as my MIL is becoming increasingly unreasonable. I love them both very much but I'm getting very worried about SIL's mental health and she herself says she cannot cope with her mum anymore. MIL is not fragile and elderly, she is 61, educated, holds down a professional job and is financially very comfortable.

The background is that my FIL died earlier this year. He had cancer and from diagnosis to him dying was just 10 months. SIL gave up her job and home in London to come back here to care for him. Somewhere along the line she went from being carer to total household skivvy as her mother would basically do nothing for herself whilst SIL did it all, from meal prep, to hospital runs to laundry to sorting out the cats at the vets. My DH and I also helped, I'd cook meals and he'd do stuff related to cars, householdy tasks etc, but SIL took the real brunt of it. After FIL died, MIL expected SIL to do everything for her, even when SIL was suffering gastroenteristis and her partner was being a total twat to her. SIL also picked up caring for her grandparents, including washing and changing her incontinent grandmother. From what other familiy members have told me, MIL has always been very lazy/selfish and got others to do things for her.

SIL tried to get jobs in our city but they are few and far between in her field and the salaries here are well below the going rate. She got a job back in London and moved there. The job is not ideal and is stressful but she knew she needed to go back and try to restore her life. In this time her partner broke up with her. SIL was suicidal at this point and her GP suggested a voluntary admission to an MH ward to give her a break.

MIl is still putting the pressure on SIL, she refuses support from anybody else. She went to stay with SIL for a week just after SIL started her new job and when SIL said that a week was too much in future and maybe long weekends would be better, MIL sulked and said it wasn't fair and what is she supposed to do about holidays as she always went with FIL.

SIL came to stay with DH and I last night as she'd just had enough of being around her mother. I don't doubt MIL loves her very much but she's making herself incapacitated by her point blank refusal to accept any help, support etc from other sources. SIL is having counselling to try to change the way she responds to MIL but it's so hard as MIL really puts the pressure on her. SIL feels she hasn't had her own chance to grieve for her father because of the way MIL acts. I can see my lovely SIL being ground down and reluctant to visit because of MIL and I am worried as she has mentioned feeling like she just wants to step in front of a bus/tube again as a way out of having to deal with this.

What can I/we do?

Sorry so long.

That sounds like a very difficult situation, and your husband is going to have to stand up to his mother, and be blunt with her. Your SIL can not, and should not, have to deal with all this.

Does your SIL feel obliged to look after your MIL because she feels it's her duty as your MIL's DD? IMO any parent who puts pressure on their DC to look after them when they are capable of looking after themselves but CBA, needs to be given a blunt dressing down about their lazy behaviour.

It's probably a case of "sorry mum, but if you're not going to put the effort in to looking after yourself because you can't be arsed, then why should I run around after you"?

BTW you SIL is NOT OBLIGED to run around after any lazy person, whoever that may be.

Has your DH said anything to your MIL about this?

Thanks for the replies, I suspected that you'd say that, it's my own gut feeling that SIL will have to say some form of "bugger off" but I can also be quite hard about things like this due to my own mum being too emotionally dependant on my sister and me.

DH has tried to talk to his mum they had a chat a few weeks ago and he said that SIL was under a huge amount of pressure and that MIL needed to at least accept help from other people who offered it. MIL said SIL had been acting strangely and didn't mean what she said and then said "my children are turning against me" and refused to discuss it.

I have also bollocked DH for not doing enough to support his sister, I seem to have picked up a lot of it which I don't mind but I have enough to do with supporting my own mum and was a carer for a long time and I'm frankly knackered and my own mental health is very ropey.
I get on really well with SIL and we talk very openly and honestly. I've also talked to MILs own SIL and BIL about it who are also despairing because MIL just won't listen. And then when somebody says something she doesn't like, she goes into a huff and accuses people of being mean or being messy and making her life difficult. From what the extended family have said, it's always been this way. Her husband just accepted it, and she seems to now just expect that she doesn't have to do a thing.

SIL is staying with DH and I again at new year, however MIL has said she wants to come too, (we're having friends round, it's likely to get a bit rowdy as we're all in our early 30s and no kids coming). Originally she was expecting SIL to drive her home at 11pm or so but as now decided she will drive herself home. She has also told SIL that she will have to go on holidays with her. SIL just seems so trapped.

BTW, if anybody recognises this me/my family, please don't out me.