Where do I go from here with my daughter.

[SuchASadMum]

I am a regular but I have name changed as I feel so ashamed.
This will be long as I want to give the whole story. So if you get to the end please give me honest advice. I probably am being U but I am hurting so much I don't know what to do.

I split with my DDs father when she was 3. He was emotionally and physically abusive during our 7 year relationship. He was in prison when she was born because he had beaten up a young boy and stolen his property. I know it sounds mad but I really thought I loved him (we only split up because he got another woman pregnant). As is often the case wth these men he was/is a charmer. everyone liked him. Once having been arrested for serious criminal damage the police told me he was a nice lad, just confused. Once after he had beaten me around the head with a lead cosh leaving my face black and blue my dm asked me what I had done to upset him that much. My DBs loved him, he was the life and sole of any party. Only my DSis saw through him.

For the last 20 years dh has done everything he can to hurt me. His partner phoned SS 3 times to tell them I was an unfit mother. He tells people lies about me (according to him I used to attack and beat him while he held our newborn dd).

Ex is still with the woman he got pregnant, they now have 3 dc. Their life seems awful. He treats her as badly as he did me. He has had affairs (one with her best friend, he did that to me as well). He is a regular drug user. His eldest ds is a dealer who once tried to break into my house and has burgled others. His 16 year old dd has been arrested for criminal damage and assualt twice. His mantra is never grass on family and he hates the police.

I took many years to get over our relationship. I met dh when dd was 8 and have now been married for 13 years. We have two other dc and a very happy settled life together. Dh treated my dd as his own from the start.

When she was 12 dd started to go off the rails. She was drinking, smoking and truanting from school. I did everything I could to put things right. I was always at school and supported them in any way I could.
Dh and his partner allowed her to smoke in their home and supplied her with drink. At 12 dh took her to a family party where she got very drunk and lost her virginity, dh then arranged for her to go on the pill. This was all without my knowledge. DD seems to admire her fathers lifestyle. She is very close to her brother and sister. Whereas she thinks the way dh and I live is boring.

DD was stealing from dh and I (she once took his debit card and spent over £1000 all on other people). She carried on drinkng and for a while dabbled with soft drugs. I arranged counselling and asked a police community officer to talk to her but nothing worked. At 14 she moved in with her father and I didn't see her for a year. At that time her dbro was only 3 and he didn't understand where his dsis had gone. She then got in touch and came back home at 16. Since then she has removed herself from our lives several times for months at a time. Ds is now 11 and has sadly got used to his Dsis behaviour.

Now as an adult she has no ambition. She wants to work but finds her party lifestyle more important so she struggles to keep a job. Although she has inherited her fathers charm so is always in work because everyone likes her and employers tend to put up with her behaviour longer than they should. She has tried 4 college courses but not completed one because she gets bored. She is in debt again (dh and I have paid her debts for her several times in the past). In August she came home with the intention of staying with us for a few months rent free and paying her debts. She didn't make any effort to pay anything and was only at home one night a week. In October she moved out again. It was all perfectly amiable with no arguements. Since then we haven't seen her. She has blocked me on her FB and changed her phone number so I could not contact her. In mid December I wrote her a letter and took it to the home of her best friend. The letter said I loved her dearly but could not cope with the pain she is causing her family anymore. I said It was obvious she was happier without us in her life and I would respect that.

On Christmas day my mother told me my niece had seen dd. DD had said she was going to get in touch in the New Year. My dm has been devastated by DDs behaviour, she freely admits dd is her favourite grandchild.

So the crux of my problem is, I do love my dd with all my heart but when I look at her as an adult all I see is her father. She is selfish and uncaring of anyone elses feelings. I have another dd who we have adopted. I am worried that allowing dd1 to come and go in DD2s life will be harmful as DD2 has already suffered rejection from her birth mother.

I feel so sorry for DD1. I don't think she has ever felt she is a whole part of either mine or my ex family. She is desperate to have her father love her like he does his other dc (it has always been obvious he doesn't). She has spent her life trying to please two people who have very different moral values and parenting ideals. I must have gone very wrong somewhere but I can't think of anything dh and I could have done to support dd.

I just don't feel that I can carry on going though this. It is hurting me so much. If she keeps on doing it it will keep hurting dd2 who adores her big sister. Part of me wants to just tell her to just stay away this time but that would devastate my mother. I am so torn. Not having her in my life is like a physical pain and I spend every waking minute wondering if she is ok.

I am sorry this is so long. There is so much more I could say but that is the crux of it. If anyone has managed to read all this I would be so grateful for advice.

I'm so sorry to read this

Unfortunately I have no experience of this type of situation but I didn't want to read and run.

Believe in your DD. Believe that she loves you and make it clear that when she realises how much she needs you you will be there for her.

I really hope she does get in touch in the new year.

Have a

You shouldn't feel ashamed. I can understand why you feel guilty for the effect that your remaining with your xh far too long had on your dd.

Could you arrange meetings with dd at your mother's house? You need to show dd your love and support (which I think you already try to). I don't believe that she would behave the way she does if she didn't have very low self esteem.

I think she needs some king of 'mentor' to help and advise her. Do you have a trusted relative or family friend who could do this?

Another ((hug)). How awful for you.

It sounds to me as if you've done nothing wrong at all. You've tried and are still trying to do your best for everyone.

My instinct would be to say maybe dont cut her out of your life. You would worry and it would be too painful for you. Is there a way you can arrange that contact between DD1 and you is away from DD2 so that while this stage of DD1s life is going on DD2 is not being affected by all the uncertainty?

'Leave the door open' for her to contact you. At the same time have faith that you are not to blame for the life she has chosen, and are remaining a steady influence in her life. You are being that - even if you dont see her much. She knows you are there.

Be good to yourself and enjoy your other DC. I know detatchment like that must be heartbreaking but you need a little self preservation. There's no shame in that.

SadMum you sound as though you are trying to hold together an impossible set of variables - your own strong feelings, your dd, your other children, and your dm. But you are not responsible for keeping them all happy, you can only do the best in the circumstances.

I too have a 'wild child' and her dad is much more lenient with her than I am. I try to remain consistant so that she knows that the consequences of her actions are her responsibility not mine. Perhaps you could set out for your dd the impact that she has on the rest of your family, tell her that you will remind her twice a year about visiting her grandmother and other sibilings, then stick to that agreement. Do not protect your dd from the impact that her choices is having on people, and do not take on responsibiity for making it all right for them. But like a lost sheep welcome her whenever she comes home, making her an equal (but not superior) member of your family.

Although your dd is being influenced by your ex and his family, she is making a choice to live in the way that she is.

It sounds as though you are making yourself unhappy by worrying about your dd. I too could do this, at times I worry frantically about whether my dd is safe, whether she is putting herself and her life and her welfare at risk. But I could torture myself day and night with thoughts of 'what if', and I think that would lead to my madness and would not increase her safety one jot. So I have learned to put those obsessive thoughts to one side, and to spend the time in more worthwhile ways, like building secure and lasting relationships with my other dc and dh and family.

oh honey,what an awful situation to be in.there is absolutelt no shame in your post.you sounds like a very caring mum who has been placed in a no win predicament with 2 very different sets of morals and a child in the middle.i beleive you have done the best you can.leave the door open for her always but you must,for your own sake,concerntrate your efforts on the lives over which you have a greater responsibility and influence.i agree with previous poster that you need to self preserve.i wish you all the very best

How old was dd1 when you adopted dd2 and how old was dd2 when she first came to live with you?

Did you adopt through ss or did she come into your life by way of a friend/relative being unable to care for her?

I don't see any need or point in trying to work out who is 'to blame'. Your dd is a young adult and needs to find her own way in the world. There is very little you can do to influence her choices now. She really will have to learn from her mistakes but this may take some time and some painful consequences for her. One of these consequences should be that you do not bail her out of debts anymore. She needs to learn responsibility.

What you can do is this. You let her know you love her, you will always love her, there is nothing she can do that would make you stop loving her. You do not like the choices she is making because you don't think she is treating herself or others the way she should. She is welcome in your home if she follows your rules. If not, she cannot stay with you. (You set out the rules that you are comfortable with). For me, I would say she speaks respectfully to everyone, cleans up after herself, pays an agreed amount towards food, etc.

Sometimes, all children want are clear boundaries. They push against them but it makes them feel safe. I liken it to when you get on a rollercoaster - what's the first thing you do? You push the bar to make sure it holds. If it gives way, or it holds some of the time then comes loose again, you would not feel safe. Hope this makes some sense to you.

Hopefully, she will come back to you at some point and you can have a good talk with her. She sounds a little lost at the moment and you will always be her mum, the person she turns to for love and comfort, a safe, warm place to come home to. But don't let her take advantage of you. Be firm. Try to be kind to yourself too x

You poor thing :( It all sounds so awful & sad. I don't have any advice that's any different to what the others have said, so I wont repeat it. Just keep telling all the kids and DH that you love them & look after yourself as well

I've got nothing constructive to say, except that I am in a very similar situation with my dd - except my dd has turned my other dc against me and I didn't see any of them this christmas. There's no pain like it imo and one thing I do wish is that we had boot camps here like they do in the states. Your and my dd are too old for boot camps but how I wish I'd moved heaven and earth when she was younger to get her to one.

yy I know that sounds extreme but if you havn'et been in the situation you wouldn't understand why I feel like that. She needs strong boundaries and what with the 'other side' undoing any good we do it may be that an outside agency would have better luck.

I pray a lot.

I would also say that the 'favourite grandchild' is seriously off imo. wtf is that all about? It is a damaging influence on your dd's and the other gc's lives. I wouldn't be keeping dm happy iiwy.

I have had to come into another room to read these replies as I am crying so much and dont want the other dcto see me.

Thank you everyone.venusmars that is such great advice. I know I need to get to that point, at the moment I'm not sure how, but much as I try not to show it. I'm sure my dc sense my sadness.
I agree she has very low self esteem. I think my meeting dh and the subsequent birth of her dbro when she was 12 has really affected her. We have always treated her in exactly the same way as her brother but she was used to it being just me and her for so many years.
I have tried to talk to her about all this but she just denies she has a problem.

When she is at home she is very respectful. She knows I hate her smoking so she has never once let me see her smoking. It's the same with swaering, I don't like it so in front of me she doesn't swear. She is great with her siblings and we laugh alot when she is around.

issyzzy I can't work out why that is relevant but DD1 was 19 when dd came to live with us at birth. We adopted through SS.

springydaffs during the good times I used to joke with her about sending her to one of those American boot camps. I would have done if they had been available.

She is my mums favourite because after splitting with my ex we lived with mum for several years until I could get my own place. I worked long hours to afford that and my mum cared for dd, they became very close. When dd is speaking to us she spends many hours with my mum. That's why it is all the more hurtful for my mum when dd behaves like this. Mum would never let the other grandchildren know how she feels.