when does the bitterness pass?

[eefs]

I was posting on another thread and realised that I am still really bitter about DP and I breaking up. Rather than taking over the other one I thought I?d start a new thread to see if anyone one has gone through the same and any thoughts.

I was together with DP for 6+ years and we have 2 sons together. Unfortunately we split up about 6 months ago. I had become so resentful of DP for forcing the burdens and responsibilities for everything onto me that little by little over the years it ate away at my love and I have none left for him now. I worked longer hours than DP and still had the bulk of work to do ? I managed the finances, the DIY, the garden, the housework, the childrearing. He had no ?role? in our house, not even as a Dad. I tried everything -
Talking (he wouldn't talk to me or go to counselling, even when he knew what would happen otherwise)
Going on strike (didn't make any difference)
Being over nice
Giving him time alone to think
Asking him do bedtimes in the hope of him bonding with his sons

If we fought over the situation it somehow end up my fault and unless I apologised the bad feeling would last for weeks. He never backed down. He put on weight, smoked and rarely left the sofa in the evenings. He lost friends due to making no efforts and criticised mine. He was moody and lazy. What hurt most was that he knew how I felt and still refused to take responsibility for his family.

When I had a minor car accident one day I rang my parents for help and only thought about that later - DP was physically closer to where I'd had the accident and could have helped yet it never occurred to me to ring him. I had no faith in his ability to support me through anything. That was one of the final straws.

For me it boiled down to the fact that he knew what was coming and still was so selfish that he wouldn't try to mend things for his sons' sake. And while we are friendly now on the surface, I blame him for forcing this decision (and he tells everyone it was my fault for making the final decision ? depends on your angle). I just feel so angry at him for doing this to his sons, it?s so unfair on them. I want to scream at him but over the last few months he has retaliated by being really nasty to DS1 as he knows they are my weak spot. I do think he?s depressed but what more could I have done? If the break-up was my decision why am I still so bitter about it?

ok, went on longer than I intended there, thanks to those who read it

Probably because you invested a fair chunk of your life in him and only gradually realised what a hopeless partner he was to you. He would've driven me mad - he sounds like another child, but without the love and cuteness.

Maybe you should start to look at all the positives in your life since splitting with him, rather than looking back at hhow useless he was.

eefs cant blame you for being bitter and angry
especially when it feels like you have been shit on from a great height
it will pass one day
xxx

I really feel for you, it was an impossible situation to be put in. It sounds like you are better off without him. In the big scheme of things, 6 months isn't very long. It took me about 2 years to finally get ( I hate this term but it is so right) CLOSURE! It was a fleeting moment when I suddenly relised that this man wasn't my life anymore & I wasn't too bothered about what he did with his.

I hope you got some comfort in putting your thoughts in writing.

Good Luck

eefs, you are still grieving for the fact that your relationship is over.
You are rightly angry that he took very little responsibility in your relationship & that now he is trying to blame you for the demise of the relationship.
You can't prevent your feelings and I don't think you should. Best to let it out & feel angry & upset but maybe also think of ways you can try and improve the situation for yourself now.
I don't expect to get any help at all of any description from my ex-H and I never ask for it either. He sees the children every second weekend Fri-Sun and that is it. I'm not saying this is what you should do, but just using it as an example of what works for me. If you find an arrangement that you will be happy with, then you'll feel better about it.

Hello Eefs,

I totally understand where you are coming from although my situation is lightly different - dp made the desision to go and for me it came completely out of the blue, i had no idea things weren't right, he never said he wasn't happy, he has since admitted he wasn't happy for about 12 months before he left but felt there was no point in trying to talk to me. Once he told me how he felt I tried everything to get him to reconsider but he said there was no point. It has been 6 months now and it still rips me apart that his family meant so little to him that he wouldn't do anything to fight to save it.

While we are trying to work on being friends it is extremely hard as I would still do anything for the chance to save our family. Recently I seemed to be getting better then after Xmas he finally admitted he was seeing someone else (the person I had suspected since the day he left). Even though this seemed to set me back again and I spent most of last week blubbing all over again I can honestly say that this week I have moved on loads. I actually phoned her up the other day (she, he and I all work for the same company) to tell her I don't hate her / blame her for whats happened. Some people thought I was mad but I needed to do it - at some point I will meet her, either at work or when I pick up ds from their flat, so I thought I may as well clear the air. I felt really proud of myself for not being bitter - it would be very easy to blame her for going after him but ultimately he was the one with a family and a child and he chose to walk away from us.

Some days I do feel bitter but this last week has been much better, and even though it is still incredibly painful to think of all the things he has taken away from me and ds, I do want him to be happy and I do want us to be friends one day.

Somehow you need to focus on making yourself happy. When I'm down and feeling angry and bitter I like to think of the example I'm setting my ds and try to act in a way that he will be proud of one day

Am here if you want to talk some more

but I feel sorry for him as well - he seems so sad now, and sometimes when we meet (he's in the house most evenings now) and I can manage to get past all this, we get on really well. Then I think "you caused all this" and get angry again.

My life is nothing like what I'd planned

FWIW My parents have been seperated for 4 yrs now, and my mum still has deep bitterness and resentment towards my father. She can get along fine with him when she has to, and they have actually been places together recently, but she says all she has to do is think of all those words he said to her, ways he looked at her, and the resentment floods back.. they were married for almost 40yrs mind you.

THen take control of it eefs. Start to think about some minor positive changes you can make and ways you can make yourself feel better. Look at how well you are doing with looking after your family and focus on your work and home.

Someone was right earlier in saying focus on good things and not on negatives and try to enjoy things. Take time to savour those things and live more in the present.

All of this is not at all easy and I should know! All I know living through a bitter and horrible divorce is that I will not let it beat me and I need to show him that I am going to be happy and live a good life wihtout him.

my parents divorced 26 years ago and my mum still finds it hard to be in the same room as him.I think its ridiculous but what do I know?

My dp's mother never got over his dad leaving her and it was 30 years ago. She made it very difficult for him to have a relationship with his dad and was a very bitter and angry woman with few friends and a sad life for 30 years.

Now his exw is going the same way despite leaving him for someone else that she now lives with. She is so angry about what went wrong in the marriage, blames him for EVERYTHING and is constantly trying to turn their 3 dds against him.

Compared to them you don't sound bitter at all but just a warning to find some way to get over this as it will just ruin your life and not make him see the error of his ways at all!

I refused to let my exp make me bitter. I knew I would end up happier than him in the end and I think I am happier than him now (6 years later).

Look realistically at what was your fault and what wasn't. Accept responsibility for what you did (if anything) and letting the rest go. You won't change him - he has to change himself so stop trying and stop trying to make him accept his share of the blame. Some people just only see things from their own point of view. My exp stills makes out he was so hard done by etc etc. It makes me mad for a while but I chat it out with friends until I think he's just a sad case and I refuse to let him get to me.

Time also makes it seem less bad.

Good luck!

6 months is , imho, still early days eefs. I agree with others about letting go of the past and enjoying the hear and now but I know this is easier said than done.

I am better now, it was actually cleansing to put it all down (although a bit embarrassing - hope this stays anonymous). I don't hate DP, I dislike how he treated us and I feel a little sorry for him but thankfully for our DS's sake, I really don't hate him.

I think what I want is an acknowledgment from DP that he didn't take responsibility for us when he should have and that I did the right thing for my DS's and I. I do realistically know that I never going to get that but it's hard make myself believe that. I also need to accept that I can't plan my life and the fact that it is very different to what I had planned is not necessarily a bad thing - I probably wouldn't even have children yet is all went to plan and in all honesty my DS's have made me a much nicer person.

I do not want to be bitter about this in 10 years time, never mind 30, reading some of these posts was a bit scary actually.

eefs, I am glad you are feeling a bit better today

Hi eefs - glad you are feeling more positive again now!

As long as YOU know you did your best then that might be the best you can hope for. My exp will never hold his hands up and admit his part in our break up . It took me a while to come to terms with my life not being what I had always imagined it would be etc like you. But I became very proud of myself and how I coped etc. I'm almost sad about the fact that when my dp and I move in together I will be losing my single parent with useless ex status!!!

Don't let the b*stards grind you down!!