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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

where do I stand legally

19 replies

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 09:06

Hello mnetters, I could some of you may be able to advise me.
I am in an unhappy marriage with 3 young ds. I am thinking of moving out and moving away. My dp will more than likley stay in the home( rented) because of his work.

Will I be allowed to just take the kids and go? We have not had a physical relationship for just over 2 years. He has been controlling and verbally abusive IN THE PAST. He has admitted to texting anotherl femail 2 years ago and having some sort of text affair ( if that makes sense).
I don't feel the same towards him anymore. Plus he has some very old fashioned ideas about parenting and disipline which I don't agree with.( eg slapping them, raising his voice to be heard rather than talking normally)
I feel as though I never completely trust him when he is with the kids and worry.

I need to know where I stand legally can I just take the kids and move to another county about 4 hours away?

Thanks

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 09:22

Get in touch with Women's Aid, they will be able to help you. You may not be able to move with DC to another country without his consent, unfortunately, but you will be able to leave him and end the relationship with him no matter what he thinks about it.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 09:32

Sorry its another County not country. I will try to ring womens aid one evening if I am alone. thanks goldbrass.

OP posts:

FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 09:39

Ok, it is not easy, far from it. More so if there is a contact/residence order in place.

However, the courts understand that if the resident parent is happy and well supported s/he is in a much better position to raise happy children/well rounded individuals, but even so, you need to present a lot of evidence to convince them that is better for the children to be raised by a happy and well supported parent at the cost of loosing regular contact with the other parent.

FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 09:41

County? ah, that's not too bad, as long as regular contact with the other parent is ensured, it should be fine.

However be prepared for your ex to argue that the children should stay in the place they are familiar with (schools, friends, other family, etc). Now if the children are young, this is not so much of a problem.

xmyboys · 28/12/2011 09:44

I too have thoughts of leaving dp and taking dc to another country (where family are)
But have terrible guilt about this too as he is their father.
Although I am the one who has to make all the effort for him to do things with them.
Has anyone successfully managed sharedcare over two countries?
If dp works long hours you would think he might work with holidays together?
Hoping things could be amicable if we do split.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 09:49

ds's are 2, 4 and 5 years old. I have no family nearby, my family is 4 hours away where I would like to move to. I am very stressed when he is around and feel sick daily, which I think is stress. I am happier when he is not around. But I feel that he as a dad is entiled to see his children though.
I could initally stay with my mum until I find somewhere, but am worried as though he says he won't let me take the children from him, and he may as well kill himself or just drop dead. He has said about dying lots of times

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 28/12/2011 09:50

How do you see things working out regarding the time he will spend with the children after you split up? I ask because you mention him slapping very young children and am aware that even women who have been severely physically abused are often forced through the court to let their ex husbands / partners have contact with the children. I would definitely not say anything to him at the moment and seek advice from women's aid and a soliciter. I think the text affair thing is a bit of a red herring. If you are unhappy, he is behaving unreasonably and you think the marriage has broken down you can get a divorce.

LadyLapsang · 28/12/2011 09:52

I've just seen we have cross posted - I don't expect you will have problems taking the children if you are the primary caregiver and they are so young. Do you work outside the home?

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 09:54

Thanks everybody ! No I do not work

OP posts:

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 10:02

lapsang- what do you mean by ' bit of a red herring'

OP posts:

FalsaMagra · 28/12/2011 10:11

I thing she means that text affairs are not such a strong reason to break a marriage.

IMO you are more likely to want to leave because his presence around the children stresses you out, rather than the past controlling/abusive behaviour (from your OP it looks a thing of the past) or the texting.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 10:27

Look, anyone can end a relationship at any time, for any reason they like. Unless there is evidence of abuse of the DC you generally have to allow contact between them and the other parent, but that does not mean you have to allow contact between your XP and you if you don't want to do so; you can insist that he only contacts you via email and only on subjects relatiing to the DC (or sorting out finances between you if that's necessary), and a friend, relative or other third party can deal with handovers of the DC.
Moving to another county might be difficult given the distance, but if you can make a good case for it being better for you there and show that you have thought about how contact between DC and their father will be managed (eg you offer to take them half-way to his home or whatever) it's not impossible that you will be allowed to do it.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 10:34

falsaMagra- i think it is probably a mixture of everything which has happened over the past 7 years. I cannot forget things he has said and done in the past and is still sometimes quite force full in his voice and demeanour. I just don't care for him the way I used to, I don't want any intimacy because I don't feel it . I guess i have fallen out of love and don't have that much respect for him in some ways. In my opinion he messed up a long time ago but the way he treated and spoke to me, the texting was like the icing on the cake. As for the children, generally he is ok, but I have this nagging doubt at the back of my mind where I don't completely trust him as a result of things he has said in the past about discipline and his ideas about parenting, where it be presents, birthdays, food, you name it is very strict .

Either way I think it will be very difficult for me to leave as he will be heartbroken and I will feel the guilty one for wanting to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 10:38

solidgoldbrass- thanks for your post, it is a alot clearer to me what i could possible do. thanks

OP posts:

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 28/12/2011 10:45

You're not married, I take it? Then it is much easier for you to do what you want. You will only end up in court if he challenges you.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 10:48

no i am married

OP posts:

tus · 28/12/2011 10:58

As I understand things, it is the right of the children to see their parents not the other way around. [Someone please correct me if I am wrong]

Giveme - you say he will be heartbroken - will he? I wonder how he feels about your relationship, and living with you and how he feels about being a parent and does he get pleasure out of being dad?

I suppose your children are too young for you to gauge what they think - and I suppose to them this is normal.

I believe in good relationships and working marriges - that old thing about a relationship being more than the some of the two parts is something that me and my daughters mother still both believe - but the two of us didn't "add" for various reasons and we felt it was better for our daughter to have two seperated happy parents than a disfunctional family together. Having said that the resulting singledom for both of us is not a bed of roses - it has it plus points and its minus points.

I live about a mile from my daughters mother - my daughter spends half her time with me and I even get to do the school run on nights she is with me, Daughter is a pretty well adjusted and pretty happy teenager - I think it is knowing she is valued that is key there.

Original poster

givemeavodka · 28/12/2011 11:11

tus- thanks for your post that makes alot sense ( i guess hearing it from a dads perspective) you right about putting the children first, its easy to forget whats important sometimes when feelings get trodden on. I won't ever stop them seeing there dad but I just have my concerns about their safety sometimes. I'm glad that your situation sounds a happy one

OP posts:

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 11:42

As you've said that you are stressed and feel sick when he's around, I would suggest that the way forward would be to take the dc to your dm's for a couple of weeks' break which will give you a chance to recuperate and think clearly about what you want for the future and what is best for the dc.

While you are staying with your dm you can seek legal advice from a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

If you decide that you want out of your sham of a marriage, don't be dissauded by his controlling ways or threats to harm himself.

Please note that it is not a question of what you are 'allowed' to do. Should you decide to up sticks and live with your dm until such time as you can sort out alternative accomodation close to her home, he will be powerless to prevent you without a court order.
.

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