DIVORCE?????

[Twinkie]

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I don't think there's been a stigma for a long time. There are even a lot of vicars now who will re-marry you in church - if it's all right for those pillars of society it can't be much of a stigma, can it?

Over half of the people I know who have been married are now divorced anyway.

No, I don't think so Twinks

Are you all sure?

friends brother is marrying for the forst time to a divorcee and it is not percieved as the same as someone who hadnt been divorced

I am not saying this is right - just trying to be realistic

Yes, sure, Codders.

In my circle of friends/relatives anyway: I too am planning to marry a divorcee and I have not had one sarcy/dissapointed comment from either grandmother or any of my older relatives. If they dissaproved, believe me, I'd know about it!

No, I don't think so.....I hope not!

Personally speaking I've never noticed being judged for being a divorcee. Neither has DH who has been divorced too.

Infact my friends think that its 'cool'. This upsets me more as its not cool, its sad that a marriage has ended (even if it was terrible and I wanted to end it), it was a painful experience not some sort of party. One even threatened to give me a Congratulations Your Divorce Has Come Through card.

I think it's maybe a generational thing; my dp's mum got v upset when his brother got divorced.

I'm only not divorced because my ex and I never quite got round to getting married. Statistically, so many of us are divorced/separated/moved on from previous relationships that I think your friend might just find she isn't THAT unusual.

My friend is with someone who has not only been married once but engaged as well to someone else.. hes only 30 odd.

I am not convinced he is a good proposttition - she will be his third engagement!!

I don't think there is a stigma nowadays, not like when I was a child and 'divorce' was practically a swear word. But none of my family and very few of my friends have divorced, I can count them on one hand.

One friend divorced many years ago and has been remarried for about 15yrs, while two girl friends have divorced in the last couple of months. It was a second marriage for both of them, and they divorced reluctantly as they both believe very much in the institution of marriage. One of them had a violent husband (yet he came across to outsiders as the loveliest, most caring bloke in the world - scary) while the other friend's dh walked out at the Millenium on her and their four girls aged between 4 and 10, saying he didn't like having a family and wanted to be a single man again!!

God, suedonim, how is your friend now with the four girls?

She's on the up, at last, Sykes, thank you for asking. It was pretty bad to begin with, she still loved him and hoped he would come back but it became clear that that wasn't going to happen. Her girls are all high-octane maintenance, she lost so much weight (and there wasn't much of her to begin with) and we were all very worried about her. But she is a very positive person, does a lot within the community and knows lots of people and I think that helped keep her going. With her dh out of the loop, she also got herself a darling little spaniel dog, who is her constant companion and she's besotted with him!

Then she met one of her sister's cast-off boyfriends from way back when, and they got on like a house on fire. He is also divorced, with three children, and they have got a nice relationship going. They don't plan to move in together because they it's too much for their respective teenagers but see each other a couple of times a week. If things are still together, they may move in when some of the children have left home. In the meantime, she says its great not to have to wash his socks, LOL!

That's brilliant. How did hte girls cope? Sorry, rather obsessed because of my own situation and love to hear of good outcomes. Did he maintain a relationship with the girls and is he happy? If I'm sticking my nose in, please do ignore me. Just can't see beyond the day at the moment.

No worries, Sykes! I think the girls have been not bad about it, on the whole. One of them, (the eldest, possibly, or maybe the second one) did go through a stage of blaming my friend for the split and that was hard. She has come round now and they have all accepted the situation as far as I know. The youngest barely noticed that her dad had gone - he wasn't particularly hands-on.

They see their dad regularly, as he's only about 20 miles away. I think he has them one weekend a month and he comes to babysit once a week. To me, he's always been a bit of a sh*t where seeing the children is concerned as he wouldn't think twice about cancelling the arrangement if a better offer came up, which must have been quite hard for them. (He's horribly overweight and drinks a lot, yet seems to have no problem attracting girls - weird.) My friend says it's getting harder to ensure all the girls see him regularly, because the older two prefer to go off with their friends at weekends and so on. I think he takes them on holiday, as well. My friend takes them to see her ex-MIL, as she wants to maintain the grandparent relationship. She herself lost her parents many years ago and thinks it's important to keep that going. Also, her ex-MIL thinks her ex-dh is as big a prat as she does, lol!

As to whether he is happy, I don't really know. If being 40-something but acting an undignified 20-something floats your boat, then I suppose he must be. He and my friend only ever talk practicalities so she only hears things via other people.

Thanks. He really does sound like a very unattractive character in more ways than one. Must have been incredibly hard for your friend and her dds, though. At least they have a great mother. My h is so hands on they miss him terribly. We stayed with friends this w/end who are terribly kind - playing with them/cuddles/lots of attention. But it still hurts when so much to hear elder dd saying she wanted her own daddy there. Also, younger dd seems very behind developmentally - do realise it is most probably just her character etc and nothing to do with the situation - but a lot of people comment on it and I tend to put everything down to h's absence. And I've done it again - hijacked another thread. Am stopping NOW.

I'm glad you started this thread, twinkie. There are so many splits these days that I don't think the word Stigma really applies, but I have come across something that might be it's replacement. There is a suggestion, from certain smug quarters, that divorcing couples just haven't 'tried hard enough' have 'expected too much' and 'want too much out of life', usually expressed by the older generation, but not always. This attitude has put me off splitting with DH (!!!) but I think it depends where you live. A friend left her H recently and the local playgroup mums were full of such comments, which shocked me really. In fact, I got into quite a heated discussion in her defence.

Not a reason for staying with someone though. I think some people (often older generations) need to grasp the fact that it's not a real marriage when the couple despise or fail to support one another, and that in modern times, we at least have the honesty and integrity to face that fact.

I am married to a divorcee, and I worried at first about what people thought, and dh always worried that people would think he had failed at one marriage, and that he would do it again. TBH, it's only his ex that has ever said anything like that, and that means nothing to either of us, as you can imagine!! The only time it ever been an issue other than this was when we went to visit dh's parents abroad, with dd, and they still had photos up of his first wedding, 9 years earlier. You can imagine my delight!!

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I don't think any differently about divorcees, but I do believe that there is still a stigma that exists, despite the fact that divorce is so common now. I do think it is unfortunate. Obviously, in an ideal world, everyone would be happily married. Right?

Tell your friend that the big D on her forehead will only be visible to people who are secretly envious of her courage and strength.

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Twinkie I dont think there is a stigma to divorce anymore. My dh was married before and no-one ever makes a point of saying Im his 2nd wife or anything like that - our marriage is still classed as special. My mum and dad divorced too, I dont think its a big deal. You are young, you really shouldnt worry about this-after all you've been through

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oops sorry twinkie, your friend shouldnt be worried

Shame about having to wait two years in some cases, though. I would find that a real trial, as I'm a 'done & dusted' kind of person.