Messed up big time. (Narcisstic ex)

[whenwillilearn]

I always mess up around Christmas for a quiet life. It has taken me forever to get rid of crazy ex and had finally got there i.e - no access to my home/factual phone calls regarding DS and so on.

problem is, I don't know how to deal with xmas! He always wiggle himself fully in my life/home due to our DS (11) always having spent xmas with both of us. DS is very fond of his dad, and wont have it any other way and if I try to even suggest having a different type of xmas (just DS and I or travelling for Xmas) DS gets very sad/tearful and wont let up.

I have no feelings whatsoever for ex. None. He put me through years and years of hell where at one stage I was hooked on AD/sleeping tabs/over the counter tabs - all so I could function. He ticks EVERY single box of being a narcissist. When I learnt about Narcissism, I was finally able to let go. Years of being in a complete maze of confusion/gaslighting/lies/tricks/stealing my clothes/mind games/ possessive and controlling, I was able to let go. I saw for the first time that it really was not me who was mad/bad and a bitch. I actually had nothing to do with his behaviour - IT WAS HIM!

So years were spent trying to get rid of this man - YEARS! I would make progress than BAM! as soon as I relaxed, he would take advantage of me not being on guard. I feel bad to say this, but I actually hate this man. I feel ashamed that I even shared intimacy with him. He has dead eyes, I can't bear to even look at him.

Basically, I have allowed myself to be hoodwinked this Xmas. I forgot how manipulative he is. He has now changed the situation as if he is back in. He has a look of 'it sure is good to be back home' and I have allowed it.

Every 'you need to go back home...Xmas over...I want to get back to my routine' is met with pleads of 'why are you being like that? I am only spending time with my son/ I am only playing video games with my son/ what have I done? I am not troubling you/ you're bullying me/ I am not in your way/ Why ruin the holidays with my son/ why you always angry/picking fights/ DS wants me here as I promised to fix his this and that'...he makes sure that DS is here to witness this. it is relentless! and it is my fault.

I have no problems getting him out but so anxious about the fallout. So tired of knowing exactly what will happen and the confusion and drama. And I myself allowed it to happen. Allowed my DS to go through all the oncoming drama again just because I was stupid enough to let my guard down.

Most Xmas's of before...I have been a lot tougher and kept to some sort of regime of 'right, xmas done so piss off. Not this year. I have given him the green light to cause pure hurt and mayhem into my life before he will go.

I don't know what it is I am asking but I know I can't deal with the inevitable fall out/ stalkish behaviour. He NEVER goes quietly. The only people to be hurt is my DS and I. He will walk away unscratched.

Can I avoid a fallout? he uses DS all the time. Without fell. He has asked me if he can see DS after school in my house as his is 'now' not suitable. See? it has already started.

Has he been staying in your home over Christmas? If so, when did he arrive and where does he sleep?

Is he in your home now? Are you asking for a plan to make him leave quietly otherwise it may descend into a stand up/stand off involving the police?

If his house is not suitable then it is for him to find another place to live. He must not be allowed to invade yours. To your DS put a positive slant on it (two houses, two bedrooms, a change from routine etc). I do not want to be hard but he will creep in if you let him. Just say no.

If you have managed to gain a court order for no entry to your home and access to his son then you need to make sure you use it.

Do you have any RL help?

Sorry I should have been clearer. He came over late Xmas eve (stayed over) and on xmas day. He tried to start an argument about staying over on Xmas day but I arranged to go out as to get him out. He came uninvited yesterday to 'spend' time with his son. I was seething but unable to have it out as I had guests/children over.

Today, he has phoned numerous times telling DS he is coming over to bring him a keyboard. All this without my permission. I called him back and said he is not coming in my home keyboard or not. His reply as always ''why are you being like that? I am only spending time with my son/ I am only playing video games with my son/ what have I done? I am not troubling you/ you're bullying me/ I am not in your way/ Why ruin the holidays with my son/ why you always angry/picking fights/ DS wants me here'

He knows what he is doing. Rather than be grateful I allowed Xmas, he sees it as a way to come back into my life.

He knows I have no qualms about calling the police for him. Have done before. It just pisses me off having to face drama in the coming days/weeks/months. I'm upset with myself I allowed my guard to be so down.

He is just a MASSIVE nuisance

Yes I have R/L support but how many years can they put up with the same issues with this man? It is embarrassing talking about the same issues, about the same person and a person I am not romantically involved with!

I am just scared of the fallout and having to be tough.

I don't mean to drip feed and this is so embarrassing. When I asked him to leave yesterday (quietly but could see he would have loved an audience as he was starting to raise his voice) he looked at me with his dead unemotional eyes and said 'I l love you and I want to get married to you...being here with you has made me realise I will fight for my family'. Psycho.
I did get angry and told him to fuck to the high heavens and he better leave. He doesn't love me...he actually hates me. I can feel it in my bones. Hates any goodness in my life. Isolated me for years with fam and friends.

He robs me of energy when I am around him. I feel really nauseated and feeling of needing a lie-down. Conversation get changed all the time to suit his agenda. He operates in a sea of confusion. He will literally take your breath away.

I think I will read my Lundy book tonight.

I think you need to arrange contact away from your home, your child is 11, perfectly old enough to get to his dads alone.

Make the new year a new start, no more visiting in YOUR house, if he wants to see his kid he can make arrangements with his kid to meet him outside of the house. Simple.

Start as you mean to go on.

Tell him you want him to leave immediately and if he doesn't leave you will call the police. Then, if he doesn't leave, call the police.

I don't know how many other separated couples you know on a personal basis but I can assure you that it is not normal for the absent parent to visit their child in the ex-partners home. The absent parent takes the child to his own own. Not your problem if his home isn't suitable, that's for him to deal with.

next year, don't let him over the threshhold. Do doorstep handovers, block his number from your phone and only deal with him by e-mail. Then go to a solicitor and get an access agreement drawn up. Does he pay for his son?

Oh dear. They really know how to press those buttons, don't they?

I can only advise you to take on board the FACT that too much contact doesn't actually help your DC at all. They WILL suss him out eventually, so limiting/setting boundaries around contact is the kindest thing to do for them in the long run.

I tried for 10 years to maintain an amicable thing with my horrible ex. DH and I used to live 10 minutes away, so DS could stay over with his Dad twice a week. Then we moved 120 miles away. Out of an utterly misplaced sense of guilt We decided to let him come and stay for the odd weekend during term-time to see DS, in spite of the ongoing drunken abuse I had to put up with:

" No such thing as Asperger's Syndrome - you're just a shitty neurotic parent..."

He managed to wheedle God, how stupid am I? via DS an invite to my 50th birthday party earlier this year. He got pissed, picked a fight at 4.00am with my childhood sweetheart one of my oldest mates and DH ended up pinning-evil ex up against the wall by his throat ....

Don't let him into your house. If he's so anxious to see his son, he can find somewhere else to see him.
And don't let your son decide how you are going to spend Christmas. If you took him travelling he would no doubt have a wonderful time. What he wants/thinks he wants are not necessarily what is best for him and for both of you, especially if his father has been getting at him.

It is very, very hard to keep dealing with a bellend like this, partly because of the general cultural pressure on women to be nice to men, even knobbish ones. You are not just battling a manipulative arsehole, you are battling your own training to be polite and accommodating, and the way in which other people might see his behaviour as 'romantic'.
You've done well and come a long way. For the future, make sure you tell everyone and keep telling them, that this man is a manipulative PITA who stalks and harasses you, and that you are keeping him at a distance because that's the only way to deal with him (ie don't feel you have to pretend and make nice if he calls round when other people are there).