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Original poster

Do I try and make sense of this?

11 replies

tethersend · 27/12/2011 12:25

DP and I have been together for five years and have one DD (3) and another on the way.

I have never met his mother. She lives in France. I have never even spoken to her on the phone, although DP's stepdad and one of his (half) sisters have visited us. We have never been invited there.

She has not met DD.

Her and DP have not spoken to each other for almost 2 years- there was no argument, he just stopped phoning her to see if she would call him. She didn't.

This has sort of become normal now; however, yesterday was DP's birthday and he is used to her not calling- this time though, his stepdad called. He spoke with him and one of his sisters, who were at home with his mother and other sister. His mother did not speak to him. He did not ask to speak to her, she did not ask to speak to him, they didn't refuse to speak to one another, but I am just staggered as to how you could watch your husband talk to your son on his birthday and not ask to speak to him. It is bizarre.

His other sister is only 8, but has now 'liked' every happy birthday message from other people on his FB, but not written one herself.

Their behaviour is increasingly bizarre, and whilst I am quite clear that I don't want anything to do with them, I am not sure how best to support DP, who just refuses to discuss it. I can see how hurt he is by it, but he prefers to just ignore it and pretend it's not happening which, up until now, I have done. However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so. I am so sad for him. I don't think ignoring it is helping him at all- yet I know forcing him to discuss it will also be counter-productive. I also have no idea what to tell DD when she begins to ask questions.

Is there anything I can or should do, or am I better off leaving it?

OP posts:
Original poster
tethersend · 27/12/2011 12:26

*only 18, not 8

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 13:01

This isn't about you so keep your beak out unless you are asked for help. People are entitled to manage their family relationships as they see fit. You do not know the background. It's not up to you to be Family Therapist. Your DP has indicated that he doesn't want to discuss it, so your best option is to respect his viewpoint.

eandz · 27/12/2011 13:14

maybe he accidentally killed her and everyone is just covering it up?

Flanelle · 27/12/2011 14:20

I guess if you tell him you want to support him and ask him how to do it, then you'll know!

Original poster
tethersend · 27/12/2011 14:36

SGB, that's sort of what I'm asking... I just have to stand by and watch, don't I? Shit. It's horrible.

eandz, I am beginning to wish that were true...

Flanelle, I have and he says he doesn't know; which I am taking to mean that he doesn't want support.

I don't want to meet her now. I feel so angry that she has never met DD, never sent her a card or a present. I don't want to project that onto DP, but I wonder how he can not feel the same? Or if he does, then I don't understand why it is never mentioned. I suppose I can only say something if and when it starts to impact on me or DD directly...

OP posts:
SolidGoldStockingFilla · 27/12/2011 15:03

Sorry, but you do just have to watch unless and until your DP asks for help. If a person is happier and more comfortable just putting some awkard situation in a box and ignoring it they have the right to do so (unless it's putting someone else at serious risk of harm. This isn't the case here. As your DC get older, they may ask why they don't see their grandmother, at that point you can get your DP to agree what to tell them: 'We are not in touch with her' is in fact reasonable as far as smallish DC are concerned). Being pressured to 'share your feelings' and 'get closure' and all that shit when you don't want to is horrible. And being forced into crappy pseudo-therapeutic Talking About Stuff often makes a bad situation worse anyway.

Katisha · 27/12/2011 15:07

I don't know - I do thimn some sort of explanation is called for given that your children will have no idea why one of their grandparents doesn't acknowledge their existence.
Does DH have no idea why this is going on? You at least could do with a reason why, although not necessarily any kind of resolution.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 27/12/2011 16:12

Doesn't your dp know that life is too short to play Mexican stand-offs for no apparent reason? It sounds as if he's a chip off his dm's block and they need their heads banging together.

Birthday phone calls and fb messages are all very well, but are actual birthday/Christmas cards exchanged between your dp's family in France and the UK? If not, perhaps you could send card for his dm's next birthday from all of you by way of token ice-breaker.

By the time your dd asks questions as to why one of her dgps doesn't acknowledge her existence it could be that the situation will have changed, and I sincerely hope that critical illness/accident does not feature in any altered circumstances.

As for supporting your dp, I suggest you tell him that you have no doubt that any decision he has made in respect of not speaking to his dm is the right one for him, but that you hope that it won't preclude your dc and perhaps yourself conversing with her on occasion at some point in the future.

Original poster
tethersend · 27/12/2011 17:13

OK, point taken about Talking About Stuff- I am a talker. I will step back.

However, Katisha is right, it's me who is starting to want a reason for all of this. If it were up to me, I'd ring up and ask what is going on, or ask his stepfather next time he comes to visit, but I won't because it's a step too far and would upset DP.

izzy, I have omitted some choice details about some of DP's childhood memories which include being hit and put in a cold shower as a punishment; all of which he maintains is within the realms of normality, despite the fact that he would never consider punishing DD in such a way. I should have included that in the OP, really.

There is no exchange of cards for any occasion. I'm not sure it's a stand off so much as DP just sort of giving up making the effort. When I say that she had not contacted him for years, it's no exaggeration. He was calling her, but she never contacted him, and I think he just got a bit fed up of calling her so that she could list his faults. I like the idea of sending her a card, though.

I don't want any sort of relationship with her. I just want to know why things are like this. I don't think I'm going to get any answers.

OP posts:
HoHoHoudini · 27/12/2011 17:19

Sounds like your DP is best off without her. Don't try and stir in dried shit, leave it as it is.

have a look at books like Toxic Parents etc and see if you can understand that way, and then work on supporting your DP in his (seemingly right) decision not to bother with her.

needanewname · 27/12/2011 17:19

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do.

I haven't spoken to my natural dad for about 3 years now. No big argument. My nan (his mum) died, he was living with her, when the house was sold, he moved on, had not told me where he is and I think I've had one phone call in that time. I do know where he is but I refuse to contact him. I'm really hurt that he hasn't contacted me , but I will not make the first move.

I don't expect anyone on here to understand but that's the way it is. Op I get your dh. As long as he knows you're there for him.

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