MIL is a drunk and has ruined Christmas

[UmYeahLikeTotally]

This will be very long!

DP, DD (3 yo) and I alternate Christmas day/Boxing day with his family/my family each year. This year it was MIL's turn to have us for Christmas day.

We knew it would be a difficult christmas as DP's grandfather (MIL's father) passed away at the end of November. It has been made 100X worse by MIL's drinking.

She has been very heavily reliant on alcohol for years, it really upsets DP and his brother as she is a very loud, abusive, argumentative drunk. Her drinking was out of control before, but has seemed to escalate in the past month since her father died.
Her and her DH (DP's stepfather) drink every day. They are in literally tens of thousands of pounds worth of debt which they can't repay; there is always the threat of bailiffs turning up at any moment. Despite this, her DH told me they spend over £100 per week on wine alone. Whist drunk the other day, she admitted to me that she had drunk 5 bottles of wine to herself the previous night.
DP and his siblings have tried to talk to her in the past about her drinking, but she gets extremely defensive and denies it, turns it around and says they are picking on her etc. Lots of "fuck off's".

There was an incident around 18 months ago which has never been dealt with. I think DP and I are the only ones that know, I don't think she can remember as she was so drunk.
We were on holiday with the family, just a weekend in a caravan. DD was only around 18mo, so while they all went to the clubhouse in the evening I stayed behind to try and settle DD to sleep. MIL got absolutely smashed and came back early on her own. DD was still awake. MIL sat down in the chair right next to the bed where we were. DD toddled over to give her a cuddle (I was right behind her). MIL pushed her away in her chest with both hands, it was so hard DD fell backwards. Luckily I was right there and caught her. I cannot even tell you how fucking furious I was. I immediately locked us both in the bathroom and called DP to come home and put her to bed. I wanted to go home straight away, but DP persuaded me to stay until the following day for the sake of his younger siblings. I did not speak a word to her for the remainder, did not let DD go anywhere near and actually cut contact altogether for about 3 months.
DP promised he would speak to her about it, but he never did (it made him physically ill when he thought he needed to confront her). It left me feeling betrayed and like he hadn't protected his own DD. While I cut contact, he was pressuring me to change my mind, calling me all sorts of names, saying I should "get over it". I was "ripping his family apart". That was the reason I felt forced into speaking to her again at all.

Anyway, this christmas. Almost the same fucking situation. Except DD is now 3, knows what is happening, is frightened and upset.
MIL had been getting more and more drunk over the course of the day. DD spent quite a bit of time in BIL's bedroom with DP and his siblings watching disney films. Eventually she came out and started to play in the living room where (smashed) MIL was. MIL was all over her, all the time. "Give Nanny a kiss, give Nanny a cuddle, give Nanny a kiss". DD was not interested AT ALL. Despite the fact she just wanted to play, MIL was drunk, slurring, loud. Scary to a 3 yo! I told DP I wanted to go home, NOW. While he faffed around, BIL and I saw MIL pull DD in for a kiss/cuddle. When DD resisted and pulled away, MIL pushed her (not so she fell over) and shouted in her face "oh do what you like then!"
It breaks my heart. Poor little DD's face was so shocked, she burst out crying and came running to me saying "Nanny is being horrible". While she is sobbing in my arms, MIL was sat there shouting "oh, APPARENTLY I'm being horrible!!!"
I immediately took DD upstairs and got her changed for bed. I had to come back down to put on her coat and shoes. MIL came over and was all over her again as I was doing this, I blocked her with my body. I stood up to get my bag and MIL grabbed DD by the coat and roughly pulled her into a cuddle. I took DD away and put her in the car. Sat in the drivers seat waiting for DP. Both BIL's were so horrified they decided to come with us. I very briefly went back in to see where DP was, and saw her sobbing on his shoulder wailing about how she misses her Dad.
He got in the car and started ranting about how horrible we were (me and BIL's) for leaving so quickly; she is a grieving woman and you leave her on christmas day, how heartless blah blah fucking blah. (She wasn't grieving 18 months ago!!!)

I am ridiculously upset. Yet again DP has chosen her over DD and I. My number 1 priority is DD and I don't understand how his can be his mother. Her drinking is getting worse and worse each day and I don't want to see her in that state. I especially don't want to expose DD to it.

Not only was christmas day ruined, boxing day was also shite (the day I have with my family!)because DP and I were arguing all morning. He was saying some really nasty things to me. I don't know what I've done wrong. I removed my daughter from a bad situation. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I didn't rant and rave, I didn't say a word, just left. I've told him that if he doesn't speak to his mother about it then I will. Its either that or DD doesn't go back. (He says "don't you dare threaten me with ultimatums/
You can't stop me taking DD" etc. ) I'm so disappointed in him AGAIN.

I'm not really expecting much from this post. Sorry for moaning, I will be so shocked if amyone has made it this far. I don't have anyone to talk to, and I just really don't know what to do. I just wanted to say it out loud. Am I just overreacting?

No not over reacting . It is a absolutely impossible situation to deal with as she will not know what she (MIL) has done, and will not have realise what a tit she is when drunk.

I think you know you cannot deal with the booze issues. So your actual problem is your husband . He needs to give her a short sharp shock and give her what for when she is sober.

I'd avoid her for a good while , and in the future ( presuming you will actually see each other again ) keep things to morning / early afternoon and avoid all day do s.

Your DD unfortunately is at an awful age this to happen as she is old enough to remember what has happened, but too young to realise a drink can make you go loopy. In ten years time she can turn round to MIL and say ' Nanny you make a complete arse of yourself when you drink that pop'

You are not overreacting.

Why do you feel you can't talk to anyone about this in real life? My guess would be it's because your DP (who is clearly in denial about the state of his mother's health/mind) would be furious at you for airing this situation.

But this very real, very scary situation happened to you and to your dd and you can (and should) talk about it with the people around you (as well as on MN) - because you are being made to collude in her problem. If your DP can't see that there is something wrong with her behaviour, that's his business but he isn't helping her, and he isn't helping you. He's just hoping to skate along, avoiding any real confrontation I think.

I don't, however, think there is much value in anyone talking to her, particularly not at the moment. There doesn't seem to be a hell of a lot of point in talking to your DP either, to be honest.

Did you tell your family what had happened?

Wow what a sad situation for all involved.

Your instincts are right,to protect your DD and I can also understand how horrible it must be for your DH.

Would it be possible to speak to her when she is sober and remind her of how she is around her granddaughter?

So sorry you are having to go through this

No advice from me but I think I would behave as you have as dd is the number one priority.
Big hugs!

I wouldn't subject my child to the 'attentions' of an alcoholic. If Dp can't see that then it's your relationship with him you need to look at. For you and mil I think it's pretty simple - she is not a safe or appropriate person for your children to be near. If she stops drinking that will change. It's up to her.

Oh you poor thing. I remember some eggshell moments at Christmas because of family alcohol problems.

Your dh is probably used to walking on eggshells and has probably seen far worse which is why he thinks you overreacted, he also loves his mum and feels responsible for her behaviour. I can remember being 10 years old and thinking it was my fault when my stepfather crashed his car into a police station when he was drunk on New Years Eve. You didn't overreact you did the right thing and your dp knows this.

When things have calmed down speak to your dp and ask him for his thoughts on the situation then calmly explain yours, don't ever allow your children to be around your mil when she is drunk because it will make them anxious and normalise excessive drinking. Don't spend another Christmas with your mil, your children deserve to remember Christmas as a happy time and not have that awful sick feeling in the pit of your stomach trying to keep the peace.

Why the fuck does your husband think a volatile drunk woman who is now even worse since the death of her father a couple of weeks ago shgould have hosted Christmas with your 3 year old around?? It was a recipe for disaster from the start.

My advice is to cook Christmas dinner yourself next year and stay at home. If your dh wants to visit his mother let him do it on your own.

He is enabling her to sink deeper into alcoholism.

The only thing you Can do is refuse to see your MIL or let DC see her until she has dealt with her alcohol problem. You're not being unkind or selfish by taking this course of action. Your DP can go and see her by himself - don't pressure him to cut contact with her, that's a step way too far. It is not possible to control an alcoholic's behaviour (nor, to be honest, does anyone actually have a right to control another adult's drinking) - you just have to decide how much you are prepared to accept and act accordingly.
Sorry you and your poor DD had such a rotten Xmas. However I am also sorry for your DP, who presumably loves his mother and wants to 'make things right' unless there are other tensions within the relationship I doubt he is acting out of malice towards you.

God this is absolutely horrific and no you are most certainly not overreacting.

Your DP is a total twat for not backing you up on this - how dare he not protect his own child from the behaviour of this addict. And how dare he blame you for it?

I would never take my child near someone like that again until MIL had addressed her drink problem and got help and taken responsibility. The fact she is bereaved is sad but is no excuse to bully a 3 year old child. She has to take responsibility for her behaviour, addict or not, bereaved or not. Your DP is acting as enabler by making her feel her behaviour isn't her fault.

Your dd is not a punch bag for her disgusting outbursts. Stay away, whatever he says to you. If he is repeatedly verbally abusive to you about this then I would consider leaving him.

I feel for you and your DP.

My mum was a highly abusive alcoholic - it killed her in the end and it is only a matter of time for your MIL. She is in total denial of the havoc she is creating - and from experience only she can ever decide to make that change. If she ever does.

Meanwhile you need to protect you and yours from this situation as best you can:

as Lemon BBs says keep contact minimal and early in the day
I would avoid too much contact with your DD and MIL - drunks scare small children and can hurt them (and I still bear the scars) - see if you can agree some visiting rules with your DP

This will be highly distressing for your DP who may well be yearning/desparate for a normal loving relationship with his mother - I wonder how she was with him when he was growing up?

If he could cope perhaps him and his brothers could do with some help from Al - anon - at least it may give them some insight into the effect this has on families. He may well blame himself about this - hence some of the misdirected anger.

He may well have normalised some of this behaviour - and forgotten just how out of order and frightening it can be for others.

One thing I would differ with you about and that is getting him to talk to his mum. From bitter experience that will not get you/him anywhere. He probably knows that and that's why he is reacting like he is.

I wish you and your family well

I agree that he's probably normalised the behaviour and has been damaged himself. But when you have a defenseless child in the equation you have to put her well being at the top of the agenda and he should be able to see that.

I'm very unsettled that he's calling the OP every name under the sun.

How much does DP drink btw?

You did not overreact OP, you did the right thing.

I know how your DH feels because I was also raised by alcoholic parents and it does completely mess up your head. He needs to come to terms with the fact that she is entirely responsible for her behaviour and the consequences of it. He may need counselling to help him do this.

In the meantime, you can try to support him by continuing to be calm and rational but make it clear that no-one has to put up with drunken behaviour and you will remove yourself and your daughter if/when situations like that arise again.

Some strategies you can use

• get an answerphone and screen her calls.
• change the Christmas arrangements so that you just spend the morning with her
• as soon as she starts, just up and leave whenever possible
• do not ignore it, talk about her behaviour when she's sober (yesterday we left because . . . )
• maybe get some assertiveness training for you and dh

He will feel terribly guilty at 'leaving' her but that is something he will need to overcome.

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. Tbh I didn't know if I'd get flamed; I feel like I should have left sooner so I'm partly to blame.

The problem is, she is a great GP when she is sober, and her and DD love each other so much.
She has said before that she won't drink when DD is there, but increasingly that is not the case. DD was so shocked because MIL has never even told her off before. It will come to a point where DD will make up her own mind and will refuse to go round there, which is really sad.

A few months ago MIL got so drunk, she left the pub without her DH and walked home alone. She ended up falling over a wall into someones garden and passed out. She was cut and bruised everywhere. The people that owned the house called the police because they thought she was a dead body. It was so cold, if they hadn't have noticed her, she could have fucking died from hypothermia!

In answer to some questions...

DP has a weird relationship with his mum, like I said he actually made himself ill with stress (migraines, vomiting, shaking) when I asked him to confront her about the previous incident. He seems to want to protect and defend her, but does get pissed off at her behaviour.

DP and his brothers very rarely drink, one of them is teetotal. They have grown up surrounded by alcoholics and hate it.

DP and I have a good relationship in general, he is a good dad in every other way. Its just this problem that he seems incapable of acknowledging. He gets super defensive and turns it around on me: I'm nasty, I hate his mum, I don't care, I'm ripping the family even further apart. I try to talk to him but it ends up with him shouting, me shouting to be heard and getting nowhere.

I want to sit MIL down when she is sober and tell her what happened. She loves DD so much I think she will be horrified to realise how it affects her when she is drunk. I think it might be the only thing that could make her see sense. I don't want to tell her not to drink - that's pointless and she has to make that decision alone. I just want to tell her that if things don't change then unfortunately she won't be seeing DD anymore.

Fairstive greetings - thank you for the advice

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. Tbh I didn't know if I'd get flamed; I feel like I should have left sooner so I'm partly to blame.

The problem is, she is a great GP when she is sober, and her and DD love each other so much.
She has said before that she won't drink when DD is there, but increasingly that is not the case. DD was so shocked because MIL has never even told her off before. It will come to a point where DD will make up her own mind and will refuse to go round there, which is really sad.

A few months ago MIL got so drunk, she left the pub without her DH and walked home alone. She ended up falling over a wall into someones garden and passed out. She was cut and bruised everywhere. The people that owned the house called the police because they thought she was a dead body. It was so cold, if they hadn't have noticed her, she could have fucking died from hypothermia!

In answer to some questions...

DP has a weird relationship with his mum, like I said he actually made himself ill with stress (migraines, vomiting, shaking) when I asked him to confront her about the previous incident. He seems to want to protect and defend her, but does get pissed off at her behaviour.

DP and his brothers very rarely drink, one of them is teetotal. They have grown up surrounded by alcoholics and hate it.

DP and I have a good relationship in general, he is a good dad in every other way. Its just this problem that he seems incapable of acknowledging. He gets super defensive and turns it around on me: I'm nasty, I hate his mum, I don't care, I'm ripping the family even further apart. I try to talk to him but it ends up with him shouting, me shouting to be heard and getting nowhere.

I want to sit MIL down when she is sober and tell her what happened. She loves DD so much I think she will be horrified to realise how it affects her when she is drunk. I think it might be the only thing that could make her see sense. I don't want to tell her not to drink - that's pointless and she has to make that decision alone. I just want to tell her that if things don't change then unfortunately she won't be seeing DD anymore.

Fairstive greetings - thank you for the advice

I think you're taking the right line. You must put your dd first. Good to read dp doesn't drink much. Keep an eye on that - a tendancy to abuse alcohol runs in families like many other illnesses.

Your issue is not MIL. It is your partner

this needs discussion on an adult level. He looks like he may find this hard. THAT is your problem. I'm so sorry you have this to deal with

She has in effect assaulted your child twice, and will do it again. Why is your DH defending this ? does he realise the seriousness of the situation for your DD ? I would either cut contact entirely with her or limit it to times when you think she may not be over the top.

Someone needs to sit your MIL down (while sober) and spell out her behaviour, explain the consequences ie not being able to see DD. It might just be the impetous she needs to do something about her drinking, only she can do anything about that. You can protect your daughter and your DH needs a kick up the backside an dbe putting your dd first

I could understand the alcoholic weeping and wailing if she had just lost her husband, but she sounds like a late middle aged woman who is using the death of her presumably elderly father as an excuse for drinking and bad behaviour. My dad came for Christmas and there is no way he'd get like that over the death of my mother a few years ago.
Drunks always have an excuse for their drunken bad behaviour. deceased relatives are usually a good excuse. Your husband needs to realise that is all it is.
I would avoid her unless she promises not to drink at all around your kids and you. Alcoholics can't (or rarely can) drink in moderation.
Your husband needs to wake up to his mother's addiction and stop making ecuses for her and encourage her to get sorted. Where was your MIL's husband in all this? Why do you not view her current husband as your FIL? He sounds as though he is being marginalised by everyone. Surely he is effectively your kids granfather. I don't understand the refusal to acknowledge second wives and husbands as inlaws and grandparents.

Alcoholics don't have families, they have hostages.

That's why your DP reacts like he does, years of her behaviour and trying to cope with it have left him like a hostage with Stockholm syndrome.

Why not approach AL-Anon yourself, to talk to others in similar situation and find out how to help your DP and his siblings leave their hostage-behaviour behind?

I think you are doing amazingly well, BTW!