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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What now?

41 replies

myexisatwat · 26/12/2011 23:03

Ex and I have been living apart for two years. He has nowhere suitable to see the dc so comes round here. It usually works ok when he has not been drinking etc. We spent Christmas together with the dc, it was stressful but not awful and most importantly the dc were happy. He does have a deep rooted anger at not being able to live here with the family anymore. He drank every night, he has unfaithful and had more affairs then I could count and at the end made no effort to hide it, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive but he still believes that I am wrong to have ended the marriage.

Tonight he came round and seemed sober, looking closer though he had had a few to drink and was quite hyper. I hate being round him like this. He started making himself and dc something to eat and was drinking a beer, he put some music on quite loudly, I asked him to calm things down a bit and I was clearly unhappy with the way things were going and showed it and it turned into an argument during which he called me a fat cunt (again) told me he can do what the fuck he likes in HIS house (again) and I am a lazy cunt who has had everything handed to him on a plate (again) he then handed me a plate of food and told me to "make yourself fucking useful you fat cunt", I knocked the plate out of his hand, this made him very angry he called me a lot of names, pushed me and threw a tea towel in my face and he then proceeded to tell my dc very, very personal stuff about our marriage that they are in no way old enough to cope with.

I told him to leave or I would call the police and he left BUT later on I realised he had taken a set of keys with him. I am concerned about him letting himself in and taking stuff (he is perfectly entitled to apparently because HE paid for it and it would not be the first time he has done this). So I have called the police and logged what happened, I told them about his abuse and asked if he could be warned about it and also about the keys. They are coming to take a statement on Friday (I will be away until then).

He will go mad, I know he will, but I had to do it didn't I? I did the right thing didn't I? I can't let him talk to my dc like that and about stuff like that. He told them I was planning on moving a new boyfriend in who would hit them Shock and I was trying to get them a new dad! I don't even have a boyfriend, I saw one man, an old friend for about 6 weeks and that is the sum total of my romantic life over the last four years.

I just need some hand holding really because I think this going to get horribly worse before it gets better.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/12/2011 00:15

I am tutting at all my typos in my haste to post to you.

Really, his reign of torment ends this very Christmas for once and for all. He hasn't a leg to stand on. You owe him nothing now.

Change the locks and refuse any contact from here on in, unless it is to do with the kids. If he attempts phone contact under the guise of wanting to discuss the kids...but then becomes verbally aggressive, then calmly hang up and refuse his calls. Keep a log from the outset. If nothing else, your solicitor will find it of use.

Is he at all likely to kick a window in or something?

myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 00:17

No, not in counselling. He is actually a very frightening person, full of threats and abuse, only to me though. This is the second time he has let loose in front of the kids, the last time I called the police as well and he was removed, that was two years ago. I never let him back to live but tried to always make it easy for him to see the dc etc. Obviously things have peaked again and this has to be the end now.

OP posts:
stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 27/12/2011 00:18

Safety first- it doesn't sound as if you are safe where you are, the '2 women a week murdered by ex/partners' stat is coming to mind here esp as ending the relationship is the most risky time. I don't think you can be too cautious with this threat. Contact women's aid and find out about support/advice/ a refuge. Contact shelter about housing. Contact CAB about debt/arrears. Try to get legal advice ASAP. Change your locks!

myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 00:19

He might pictish, I think he will become enraged when I refuse to allow him access, to the houseI am frightened of what might happen tbh.

OP posts:
myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 00:21

I contacted WA before and there wasn't much they could do tbh as he was out of the home. I am hoping the police will scare him off again.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/12/2011 00:24

By the way OP I have to tell you...you haven't a chance in hell of ever making this split amicable for the kids.
This guy does not give a fuck about what is best for his kids.

This guy was and is aggressive, verbally abusive, physically threatening, openly unfaithful, manipulative and exploitative....yet he is of the opinion that you should not have ended the marriage.

There is nothing to work with there. The man is wrong in the head. Create mucho distance asap.

pictish · 27/12/2011 00:27

I would contact the police after you have changed the locks, and tell them that you are worried about the consequences of doing so....they already know he has form for disturbance, so they will advise you accordingly.
If they are alerted to a possible confrontation, then I think that is a good thing.

myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 00:28

I know. I really do but it is bloody scary taking this step it really is. But I will do it. He crossed a line saying that to the dc and it has to be stopped now.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/12/2011 00:31

He just shouldn't have the power to bring such dichord to your life OP. He is your ex and should be ancient history. The fact that he feels entitled to behave this way says it's going to have to be a clean, but very firm, cut.

myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 00:37

He was actually charged with and found guilty of criminal damage at the property previously when we first split up. I imagine this will help if I make another complaint.

OP posts:
ripitupandstartagain · 27/12/2011 00:53

I felt the same when I reported the theft of my diaries to the police. I was terrified my ex would go MAD. I told the police this and also had someone to stay with me for a few days. It was awful though.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 27/12/2011 00:59

Jesus, what a fucked up animal and a waste of oxygen. If someone had behaved like that with my daughter/sister etc I would have shot him.

OP, you absolutely did the right thing and I hope you never have to see that knobhead again.

singingprincess · 27/12/2011 09:12

When I asked my AH to leave after he physically attacked me, the police and SS arranged for the locks to be changed, the windows to have new locks and alarms, and four or five smoke alarms fitted, all done within a matter of days.....when you speak to the police, ask if the family safety people can do something similar.

AH wasn't happy, but knew that it was "the system" and not me. It was all done as a direct result of HIS behaviour, and he knew that.

Also, ask about getting an IDVA. Mine is invaluable, very supportive indeed, and a place to officially log any smaller incidents, such as lying to the children.

myexisatwat · 27/12/2011 10:29

What is an UDVA please? There is nothing I won't do now to stop this situation.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/12/2011 10:38

Do your children really want to see him? If he scares you, surely he scares them? They will be very attuned to changes in atmosphere and will feel like they are walking on egg shells.

It's worse for them as they will love him, even if they are scared of him. It's a truly awful combination.

I would say he could only see them in a contact centre.

singingprincess · 27/12/2011 10:51

Independent domestic violence advisor.

Mine's called Dawn and she's ace.

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