Those of you who have disowned your parents.

[FiveHoursSleep]

Do you ever miss them?
I disowned my toxic mother 2 years ago and consequently have been disowned by that side of my family. I mostly feel relieved and pleased that my DC will not have to grow up with the abuse that I had to but sometimes, especially during Xmas and birthdays, I really miss her.
I know this sounds crazy, I am much better off without her and I think it's the idea of a mother and family that I miss, rather than the people themselves.
Does anyone else who has no contact with their family, and is convinced this is a good thing, miss them sometimes?
Or am I just completely nuts?

Both DP and I have disowned our parents. I miss having family at this time of year but you're right, it's the idea rather than the reality I miss.

my mother was nuts and there was a period of time i didn't talk to her before she died and that was fine - it absolutley is the idea that we are conditioned to beleive

Yup, me too OP, I cut my family out several years ago and it's always harder round special days like xmas and birthdays, but it does get easier as time goes on.

I also agree with you about missing the idea of them more than the actual people. I thought about the kind of conversations I would be having with them if we were in touch and realised it would just drive me crazy, even when they weren't being at their most fuck-witted!

Sometimes I think of cutting off from them as having been like having a gangrenous limb amputated. If I hadn't done it, they would have poisoned my whole life (they already did for long enough) and I probably wouldn't even have survived, so I'm very glad I did cut them out and that my life today is so healthy compared to what it used to be like. But it takes a while to come to terms with not having that emotional "limb" of your family; - or maybe it's not having the (false) hope that one day they would actually come good. I greatly prefer not having the hope, ultimately, but it was part of my coping mechanism for a very long time, so bound to take a bit of getting over.

We can't be blamed for missing our mothers though, at the end of the day, can we? Whether it's missing them or the idea of them, and however right the decision was to cut them off, it's still a hard thing to go through life, especially significant days, without a mother or even the possibility of one. So no, you're not nuts!!!

Wishing you a (slightly belated) merry toxic-family-free xmas!

I miss the idea of the family I wish I had.

I have never regretted my decision. I did it to protect dd and me, it was hard, but as I look back over the past 6 years, I can see my mental health improving in direct relation to how long I haven't seen them for...

I have my dh's family (consisting of sil, and niece) and I am working on being a good friend so I can have friends instead of family, iykwim. Takes time but it's worth it.

Not having to buy gifts for two people who treated me worse than a dog is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge relief.

I agree about the idea of family being the thing that hurts...but it did before I cut them out too, because they just didn't come close to the normal family I always craved.

On Christmas day, I was cooking dinner, and I felt such relief that they were not there, not in my life, not in my home. It's so much easier, calmer, saner, happier, and actually FUN, without them.

My sister is not pretending to be ill, whilst really sleeping off whatever cocktail of drugs and alcohol she'd had in the previous week/month/year, my other sister and her sweaty, stinking husband wouldn't be constantly looking for things to be wrong...from my weight to my hair, to my kids, my cooking, my table, chairs, carpet, wall colours, whatever. My freak of a mother is not here shit stirring, saying suchabody said something they didn't and telling someone else the polar opposite, with the express intention of causing conflict. Then being deliberately late and keeping everyone waiting, telling lies about nothing, for no apparent reason, feigning some kind of freak injury (actually they all do a bit of that) which requires NHS direct or casualty.....

I mean really, who would choose that? Not me.

Ommmmmmmmmmmmm. Peace and love to all NC'ers!

.....and another thing!

I always did all the cooking, AND all the clearing up, and all the evening foody stuff etc etc etc, and never had any help, and I used to seethe with resentment and get to bed as soon as possible to get away, and in complete exhaustion. I would normally have worked until at least midnight Christmas Eve too.

One year my older sister went to her in laws.....bloody Norah....it wasn't pretty! Mommie dearest was not a happy bunny (boiler).

By contrast, this year Christmas night, I watched "The King's Speech" with my teenage ds whilst sipping Shiraz and eating nuts.

I mean there is just no competition. It was awful, horrible, horrific. And now it's rather lovely!

For me it's not xmas and birthdays as they were always fucking awful. Every xmas I spend without them I enjoy more knowing what I am not having to suffer through this year. Plus despite the non-contact they have a thing they do to freak us out for birthdays & xmas. We are close to dh's family so still have big family xmas but without all the hell and drama.

However its other times that are hard. As others say missing the idea of family not the reality. Its when I worry that if god forbid me and dh ever split up (not on the cards) then its just me. He's a SAHP so would get the kids as well. And I have no one. I have friends but they have their own families. That's hard but I suppose it makes me work harder at my marriage to make sure that doesn't happen.

Also I became friends with my best friend at 15yo and she's the person whos known me the longest and it sometimes feels like before that I didn't exist. If I die tomorrow there's noone who can tell my children about my childhood. I don't have any photos or anything else either. A couple of books maybe. That is weird and a bit uncomfortable.

But it is worth the payoff.

I cut contact with my mother about three years ago now, and it's really a great relief, every day. I think of it as a kind of battlefield surgery - bloody and painful, but truly life-saving.

Luckily I'm still in contact with my brother and sister and Grandma (mother's mother), so that's good. I explained at the time what I was doing and (some of) why, and said that I hoped they'd be able to respect my decision even if they didn't get it. And I said I hoped we could keep contact because they mean a lot to me. It's difficult for them sometimes, so I'm grateful to them.

I miss the idea of my mother that I had before I started noticing the great chasm between the things she said and the things she did! It's the greatest disillusionment of my life I thnk - seeing behind her PR job. If she'd put half the effort into actually being a good mum that she put into just lookig like one to outsiders, she'd have been a great one.

Haven't spoken to or seen my parents for 12 years. I think you miss the idea of a family as it's rammed down our throats at this time of year - all those happy scenes of well-dressed families sitting down to a lovely meal in their perfect houses! (As sold to us by almost every advertiser!)

It's a shame, I think for my DD, to only have me at this time of year. Her dad and his family all live outside the UK, so there are just the two of us. When my DSis tells me what her DCs got for Christmas from our parents it makes me feel bad for my DD, who gets next to nothing in the way of presents. But, on balance, none of this is worth letting them back into our lives for and presents are no compensation for the emotional blackmail shit that is part of the package with my parents...

Thank you everyone for making me feel less like a freak. I was having a weak moment, and wondered if missing having 'a' family meant I hadn't done the right thing, but I see from you guys that I have.
I like the idea of disowning them being battlefield surgery. I hear from my Mothers mother now and again, but she's not going to live forever and disapproves of my decision greatly. She thinks that I should just forget everything and 'respect' my mother, so I don't go overboard with contact.
My sister is in the same country as me but also wants me to 'forgive and forget', so I put up with her contacting the kids as their aunt, but refuse to treat her as a sister.

12 years ago i cut my mother and step father out of my life. SF died.
i do not/did not miss them
i did miss my half brother, but i tried some contact recently and he is as toxic as them (drug addict and alcoholic) so it didnt work out. My mother tried to send me a msg but i did not respond to it, and im glad i had the strength to do that.

i feel i can rest easy in the knowledge that i tried, and my questions were answered in relation to having some kind of relationship with brother - it wasnt to be.

i will not try contact again, ever, and i am way better without them in my life. Recently i have had some counselling, the last session was after my brother and i had ceased contact - the counsellor said i seemed visibly different and lifted. says it all really. i am happier when they are not on the scene in any way shape or form.

for me, the decision is the right one, and i do not miss them. i miss the idea of what a family should be, but that is far different from what i had.

good luck op.

My mother turned up on my doorstep, after five years of no contact, four years ago, on December 23rd.

Over the following two years, she and my sisters almost destroyed me. I cut her, and them out again, and I believe she came back that day, with the express intention of destroying my life. She nearly succeeded, but here I am with my dc's, my AH in therapy, me, post therapy and post Stately Home mainly too.

I will NEVER have any kind of communication with her again, and will breathe a sigh of relief when she dies. You'd be surprised at how many people in RL "get" that....especially the ones who ever had the misfortune to cross her path.

I suppose the one "good" thing that has come out of it, is a massive improvement in my mental health, and the lid being blown off h's mega toxic family and childhood. I can't travel his journey, and I can't live with him now either, but if I can stop this travelling down to another generation, then I will have achieved something amazing I believe.