getting over previous partners emotional attacks on you...

[alittlehelp11]

sorry have name changed here. I know this is not at all serious and apologise for wasting anyones time. I have ended a relationship a few months ago, mainly due to the behaviour of my ex who was beginning or maybe was emotionally abusive. He had a lot of things to deal with, however I knew it was previous family behaviour and similarities were begining to show. I guess I am asking, if anyone has suffered from this and left, how long did it take for you to get truly over it? I have avoided this person, until today he shows up, chatting to family like nothing has happened, yet full well knowing what it took. My family don't seem to understand or get it, latest being that maybe I need to see someone. Maybe I do. But I struggle with the comments, the demands, what he used to say to everyone, and yet behind closed doors, verbal attacks which eventually nearly destroyed me compleatly. i was lucky and left, but I guess I am just so angry about the behaviour. Please tell me this will go away, I have kept it all in till now but suddenly just want to scream about what he has done. No one seems to believe exactly what happened within my family, but his behaviour was so...manipulative, it lead me to do things I never thought I would normally be capable of. Not illegal things, just morally things I would hope never to do again. Sorry for such a random question, rather upset and have rambled on!

I think it's hard to move on if he can just 'show up' and talk to your family. How is he able to do this, and can you stop that aspect of things?

sounds awful for you. from experience, it takes quite a while to recover. i avoid my ex at all costs because it throws me back emotionally when i do see her. i still have nightmares- had a horrible one just last night.

im trying to sort counselling- i cant seem to just move on at the moment. maybe counselling would help you?

He turned up somewhere, he has never turned up before but knew our previous history of visiting on this particular day for the last ten years. He has mentioned he would turn up at other places he knew they would be as he feels my family were to him , closer than his own. I dont mean to stop them seeing him, I can't - and it would be unresonable. Its just his way of acting how normal it is, and I know he has been in contact with them and they don't tell me. Hopefully he will eventually disapear of the surface again, but just the image of him at the moment makes me feel so angry. Plus side is I know I don't ever want to get back with him but still...sorry this probably makes no sense. I just needed to let it out, family is making me feel rather ridiculous, but they never had to see this side of him or follow his demands.

Is there one member of your family - your mum, maybe - who you could have a heart to heart with, and get to understand that your Ex is to be kept at arm's length?

They are your family, he is your EX. Why on earth shouldn't you ask at least your closest family to keep him a reasonable distance from you? Even he was the nicest person they might be asked to do that just because you are not together any more.

I think he is still manipulating you and hurting you via your family. He is not a nice person, and he does know what he is doing. Please say something to your nearest and dearest even if it's just to say how difficult it is for you.

I have been 2 months out of an EA relationship and the mess that used to be my mind may take a long time to clear up. I wish you well and hope that you trust your gut feeling and stop worrying what other people think...if you don't want him there he shouldn't be there IMO.

take care

thanks for all the comments. maybe i do need to sort out some counselling, my parents try to help, but I think they are a bit unsure if I am making it up, and also both come from abusive backgrounds which I think means its not too dissimilar to the norm. I will have another word with my mum, they don't encourage it, I think its just him, but hopefully after this he will disappear again, and I can focus on getting stronger. so looking forward to a new start in the new year. I just try and avoid any contact with any previous friends of his, and sadly have had to cut off some friends who have links to him.

The thing is people can't really play the 'neutral' card and be all nicey about it in situations like this because by doing this they are actually putting you in an equal basket to him which is diminishing you and raising him up several hundred bars IYSWIM. All just wrong.

I agree with foolonthehill, he knows what he is doing and is using them to get at you.
As for you not being sure if they believe you, that's a horrible thing too.

I've just started to get angry about what my ex has been able to do to us, I was more in adrenalin mode before so didn't really 'feel' it, but I'm especially mad at all the people who didn't have a clue who played the neutral card for whatever reason.. namely because they were scared of him I guess, but still

As you process what you went through, what you were made to tolerate, how your sense of self was distorted by the emotional abuse that he inflicted on you, the need to scream and shout, explain, justify, or do whatever you need to do to get the poison out of your system and move on will surface.
Sometimes I feel the need to shout to the rooftops about the abuse and lies that my ex told and tell everyone that his gambit at victimhood is utter bollocks.
Finding a counsellor - perhaps through WA - who understand this and can help you frame what has happened and give you space to express it, is invaluable.
Many people, including family, either don't get it or don't want to get it so it will be hard for them to understand unless they do the reading and are ready to shed their illusions about how the ex appeared to them.
As time goes by, you may find your family do begin to understand or that through counselling you have the vocabulary to explain to them what did happen in ways they can understand.

My ex has has lots of people fooled, she's successfully transferred her abuse onto me - as many abusers do. Do you have any hard evidence? Any emails or texts you could show that may help your family and friends see the picture they have isn't complete or accurate ? It helped me to show my family what she was really like. I've had to resign myself to accepting that many people will never know the full truth , or won't until she slips up, but having close family and friends on my side has been so helpful and without it i'd probably have cracked up completely . FWIW my new partner told me her ex stayed very friendly with her parents when they first split up (much to her annoyance as he treated her dreadfully ). Her parents only finally got it when he did something that triggered their own warning bells - in this case financial, i think the clue may be in your own parent's backgrounds.