Custody battle

[wobblyknicks]

Could really do with some advice if anyone's up. DH just messaged me to basically say he's prepared to fight me for custody of dd. I'm going to try and get to a solicitor in the morning but any advice on things to do or not to do and anyone know of any good sites with info specifically about this?

Not expecting anyone to be up so may go to bed but if anyone's up in the morning, advice would be lurrvely!

Message withdrawn

Thanks Twinkie - I've sent a message but don't worry if your heads all over the place, just look after yourself!!

DH was violent but I've got no proof of anything so surely it's meaningless.

Message withdrawn

Thanks but there's no hurry, I've got to feed dd in a few minutes.

I don't think you need proof of violence, wobblynicks, as few people ever really have it. I don't know all the details of your situation, but i doubt very much that your ex could win custody.

Well, technically speaking there is no such thing as 'custody' - there is 'residence' - which decides which parent the child will live with (though you can have shared residence) and 'contact' which is the time the non-resident person spends with the child. As the mother and main carer it is pretty automatic that you will get residence, and your ex will get contact with your dd. Don't worry about proof, this isn't a court case where things have to be 'beyond reasonable doubt". Are you getting a divorce? You will need a solicitor for that anyway. Don't worry. Fathers almost never get residence when the mother wants it, and your ex does not sound the most likely candidate to say the least.

Thanks aloha, that's what I want - residence, can't bear the thought of dd being taken away, especially by DH. I want a divorce but it's not like I'm drawing up the papers right now, it's just one of those things that will be inevitable in the future

Also, DH keeps messaging me about arrangements for him to see dd today. I've said my sisters (where I'm staying) because then dd can rest (she had a long day Saturday due to MIL's 50th). He wants to go to my mum and dad's because sis doesn't like him so it's not neutral but he can wind my mum around his little finger. I've said no because dad is not well and it's more stress than they need and also involves carting dd around. And I can't think of anywhere else good enough (ie where dd can rest, not be stressed etc). This is what he's said;

"ok firstly as regards baby's name{}[ k ] says:
we are married and therefore share equal legal parental responsibility. We also have equal residency rights. I am perfectly within my rights of access to request that I have baby's name{} 50% of the time - that is what I am legally entitled to.

Now, you have chosen to drag baby's name{} around with you and not consult me, or consider what's best for her. I am saying that I want to have fair access, under mutually acceptable conditions, and I am not happy going to sis' name{} and BIL's name{} right now. You are perfectly able to go to your mum's and so please don't deny me fair access.
[ k ] says:
and sis' name{} is not "so good" from baby's name{} side. baby's name{} needs to be at home, no matter where you are gallivanting to."

I've taken out the names for obvious reasons.

What should I do/say in reply to that?

How much do you plan on letting him see your dh? I've, so far, kept to an informal agreement that ensures the girls see him a lot and I can take them away at w/ends/have a bit of relief sometimes. However - not in your situation. USUALLY (he has cancelled a bit recently) he sees from 6:45 on Monday evening and puts to bed, anytime from when he finishes work until 6:45 on Wednesday and Friday (actually, I'd never prevent him seeing them on other days and would encourge it), Saturday morning until 1ish, Sunday afternoon from 5 and to put to bed. I try to avoid seeing him during the week. Not sure I've got the balance right, though. What are your plans/is it too early?

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Sorry your situation has got more difficult but well done for getting out.

He sounds pretty desperate but please do not let him blackmail into a situation with which you are uncomfortable, based on a loose and unsubstantiated interpretation of the law. Things are rarely so black and white as he is making out. You need proper legal advice asap. Call a nearby Citizens Advice and ask for a recommendation of a family lawyer in your area who could at least negotiate his access on your behalf and clarify his "rights" for you - you don't need the pressure of it at the moment and he will prey upon this while you remain uncertain.

I agree with the others, if he cannot put his differences with your sister aside for an hour or so in order to see his daughter then it is he who does not have his priorities straight.

Good luck

I have to agree that he doesn't know what he is talking about. He may have a right to family life under the European human rights legislation, but in reality this does not translate into a right to have 50/50 contact/residence with his daughter. Very few judges would ever impose this if the mother didn't want it, and especially with a child so young (you say she's a baby and I can't remember her exact age). He might want this but it is unlikely to the point of ridiculousness that he would get it. Normally, if he was a good man and a good father I'd say I hate all this talk of 'allowing' or 'permitting' a father to see his child and say it would be best to work out a framework where you do share parenting as much as possible and keep as much contact as possible. However, where a man is violent, I think he has given up many of his rights, personally. He can't expect you to work with him cooperatively if he has hurt you, and this is where his actions do finally catch up with him, and frankly, that's all his own fault. Your daughter is clearly best off being with you, wherever you are - not at home with her father. 'Home' to a baby, is where mummy is, in most cases. Don't let him overwhelm you or threaten you. It must be a big shock to him to have you being assertive and independent and unafraid, and this will upset him and he'll want to have things back the way they were. But tough, he'll just have to get used to it. Right now, you stay where you are and let him see your dd where you are now. He knows perfectly well why you left and why you have had to got to your sister's. Of course she doesn't like him - he hit you! I don't like him and I've never met him! Basically, stand firm, he can't control you any more. And he's about to discover exactly how much power you really have, and how littl he has, and it will be all his own fault.

BTW, if you want a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour (ie a divorce without having to wait two years) you can do this now. I think it might be worth getting everything sorted ASAP so you all know where you stand, provided you feel strong enough. Also, I don't know about finances and property etc, but I would be keen to get those organised, eg his maintenance for your and your dd and getting a home back for you and your dd (ie the family home put in your name or at least getting most of the equity) and it might be better to deal with all these things as part of a divorce settlement.

Just remembered your house is rented so that's not an issue. Sorry!

not too bothered about divorce from a settlement side, because we don't own much and it's not worth much. Just want everything tied up, even if we have to stay officially married for 5 years, and him not to be threatening me or making me worry for dd's safety anymore.

Just petrified that he could get residence of dd.

He won't get residence of DD wobblynicks. Personally, I'd try to divorce quickly because you don't want to be jointly liable for any debts he might accumulate. Aloha may correct me if I'm wrong here.

Just a thought, but in some areas there are access centres, run by volunteers, where parents can be with their kids in a neutral setting. They have toys etc, but no chasnce of one partner upsetting other and so on, lots of toys, changing facilities. Would it be worth trying to find out about somewhere like this?

Get some legal advice about contact asap if nothing else. It'll help you relax and get your head straight(er).

As usual am in a rush and can't add all I would like to but just wanted to add, save any text message voice messages, letter... keep everything... as they say - every little helps. See a solicitor but pick one that specialises in family law - look through yellow pages they have a little symbol in the corner of their adds.

Hope he's just bluffing but good luck with it all.

Quick Hijack - Twinkie - will mail soon, am drowning in work at min. Hope all is well. what happened at w/end - let me know...

wobblyknicks - please don't worry he WON'T get residence. He just won't. The criteria the courts take into consideration is, who is the main carer (er, you) that young children are best off with their mother (er, you again!) and that the status quo should be maintained (ie that she stays with you!). I think he has about as much chance of getting residence as you have of growing a nice pair of wings and a snout and curly tail and flying over his house tonight It will not happen. He is bluffing. You can afford to laugh in his face. Your daughter will stay with you. He will have contact, for sure, but at that age, not very much really. You have put him in a very weak position and as I said before, it serves him right. Stay strong!

BTW, don't worry about debts. Unless they are in joint names (which you would have to agree to) you are safe. Still think it would make good emotional and practical sense to get divorced sooner rather than later.

Message withdrawn