I'm not sure if we'll be together this time next year

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

DH and I have been together 16 years, married for 8. We have 4 DCs. DH is self employed, long hours, much stress. I'm a SAHM.

Things haven't been great for a while, I'm resentful of how much of his time is taken up by work - I think he feels I'm not supportive enough. I've had PND for over a year, he's been very little help to me. We don't argue as such, it's more of a case that we can't be bothered to make conversation :(

I've done everything for Christmas, only input he has had is to moan at how many presents I've bought the children. I haven't spent money we don't have, we haven't gone into debt for it. They really aren't getting loads of things.

DH hates Christmas, never misses an opportunity to mention how much he hates it. Even the DCs know he doesn't like it. He managed to go out for a night on the last two weekends running though 'because it's christmas' I never go anywhere.

Anyway, I've cooked Christmas dinner today (I prefer to have it today rather than Christmas day), cleaned the house from top to bottom, done lots of extra cooking and baking. DH has been looking after the DCs which is obviously a huge help. Tonight though, he has managed to binge his way through 3/4 of a bottle of Jack Daniels and is now dead to the world in bed. He'll feel like shut tomorrow and ruin Christmas and right now, I hate him for it.

Why did he have to do it? I put so much effort into it and every year it seems he sets out to fuck it up. He won't want to get up in the morning and he'll be grumpy with the kids.

At this moment I want out of our marriage. Oh, and he hasn't bought me anything for Christmas. He'll say he was too busy at work.

Oh, you poor thing. That sounds really hard and I know how much a grumpy family member can ruin Christmas. It's hard when you've put so much effort in, but then, some people just aren't into Christmas I guess.

Maybe you should just try to enjoy the next couple of days with your kids, don't try to get your partner too involved in anything. Leave him upstairs to fester.

Could you get counselling in the new year? It sounds like you have lots of problems.

I'm sorry I do think it is mean of him not to make an effort for your children's sake. Get through tomorrow. Ignore his grumpiness and put a big smile on your face even though it is hard. After it is all over perhaps you could look at some counselling together?

I hope you have a peaceful day tomorrow.

Yes, counselling sounds like a good idea.

I'm just so angry with him, he quite clearly couldn't give a shit about me. He knows I hate it when he drinks. He becomes really obnoxious etc. He admits he can't limit himself if he's got whiskey in the house so he rarely buys it. Except at Christmas and then hrs like a kid in a sweet shop. He a few bottles that he has been given so I have more of this to come.

My dad is coming to ours tomorrow and I'll be so embarrassed if DH is an arse.

I wouldn't automatically take that as behaviour that shows he doesnt care at all about you. It sounds like he is quite self absorbed and stuck in his own head - if he's a workaholic ts often hard for them to get out of their own heads and put themselves in tho people's shoes.

As for all the Christmas preparation remember that you are doing it for you and the DCs. Unless he's asked you to do it/expects you to do it when he's stuck in his own head like that he is unlikely to notice or express thanks.

I think it sounds like its about time you worked out what kind of life you want going forward and then have a calm conversation with him about it. I get the impression that there's a lot of, understandable, resentment building up and it's important that he is given a clear chance to address his behaviour - its only fair considering you are married with children. That means being clear in your own mind, explaining it to him in a way he can understand and setting some reasonable objectives with deadlines. then sticking to the consequences if those objectives aren't met.

Think of the concrete things you want to change, and change them gradually over time. So want more time together, objective could be sitting down with a cup of tea together after the DCs are in bed and catching up with each other for half an hour.

There are lots of great books and websites (I love www.marriagebuilders.com) out there to help you work through things in your head. Counselling is a good idea, maybe on your own for a bit rather than together as I think you might need a space to work through stuff. But books are also good as they are also there all the time.
Good luck

New Years Eve 2007. My wife tells me she's not sure we'll be together this time next year. By New Years Day 2008 we'd decided to separate. A year later she told me it had been a mid life crisis and she was sorry. Oops.

poppa - what happened? Did you get back together?

Grape - STOP worrying about HIS behaviour. If he is an arse, let him be so. It's HIS responsibility to behave. If he doesn't let HIM deal with the consequences.

Relax. Whatever happens YOU will be fine.

No, biryani, she fell under the spell of someone we will henceforth refer to as The Dark Lord and has been living in a state of reasonably contented mediocrity with him ever since.

What a selfish twat. I'd try and make the best of it with the kids, really go to town on everything christmassy while laughing and joking with the DC and totally ignore him.

I wouldn't put up with any bollox now to be honest and would tell him quietly to fuck off out if he can't be nice.
Every christmas my ex used to leave us in a tirade of abuse saying that we would never see him again. Seriously every christmas after all the food and presents were bought. He didn't spend one christmas with either me or DS yet every christmas I believed him when he said he was sorry and he'd never do that to us again.. what I'm trying to say is, don't waste your time and energy on someone like I did!! who never gives anything back x

I still hold it against my parents who argued every christmas. Was shit no matter how may presents we got.

Totally, sweetsantababy, every single family event/outing was ruined by my parents fighting. Even before they fought, there was the tension of knowing they soon would.

Is he a workaholic? Or is he a self employed man trying his best to make a living in this day and age with no support at home? Surely it has to work both ways?

Lisaro - no support at home? Did you read the Op properly? What do you suggest the Op does?!

Yes - was I the only one? PND or not, there's no support. At no point have I appointed blame but try to see the other side.

Have to agree with lisaro, if he's working hard to provide then maybe he actually doesn't have the time or energy for Xmas?
I would expect him to maybe but something little for you from the kids but I personally think Xmas is for kids once you have them not adults

Is it only at Christmas that he's like this? What's he like the rest of the time?

What does he do when he's drunk?

You two are missing the point totally. yes Xmas is for the kids but the OP's husband is complaining about it constantly, being moody, getting drunk and giving himself a hangover for Xmas day. he is not doing Xmas 'for the kids' is he?

The OP was upset because she feels the effort she is going to for the family's sake is being sabotaged by her DH. PND for her and work stress for him, it is not a good combination but he is not helping by his lack of support.

And why should she get 'something little'? She is coping with 4 children and a home, he should be making an effort. It is not that hard to choose a book, chocolates, perfume and a

sorry, pretendhousewife, my post was not aimed at you.