Legacy of parents behaviour

[Itgoesonandon]

namechanged.

Need some advice, suggestions or even just to be told that this is just another thing I need to learn to accept.

I have a long history of a difficult relationship with my parents and mostly I've dealth with it by minimal contact with them, pragmatism and support from my husband and his family. The latest thing is just another kick in the teeth that I'm really struggling with.

I'm one of 2 sisters and my parents have been fairly rubbish with both of us. From a very young age I was labelled as the pretty, clever one -which sounds good but my parents equate this with fairly nasty characteristics: devious, selfish, manipulative etc etc. My sister was labelled as the homely one with a nice personality. I remember if people complemented me as a child, my parents would chip in that DSIS "got the personality". I was always told what a horrible person I was, and then when I decided to go to uni (only person in my family) it was all exacerbated even more. Who did I think I was not just getting a job like my DSIS...so selfish...i wouldn't get "a single penny from them". They were nasty to me right through uni treating me like some kind of layabout despite me doing a very busy and taxing vocational degree. Some of the things they did to me at that time left friends wondering why I am maintained any contact with them.

My DSIS joined in, accepting their version of me unquestionably (and funnily enough their version of her) and treated me like some sort of evil harpee dragging my parents down.

Gradually over time I limited my contact with all of them, finding it just too distressing. I'd see all of them only once, maybe twice per year. i'd visit them and as soon as there was some sort of unpleasantness, I'd leave. I effectively trained them, without any shouting or argument to understand what kind of communication I'd accept with them. This has really worked and I'm just a little bit proud of myself for managing this.

The situation now is that I see my parents still just 1-2 times per year. It's civil and tolerable. It irritates me after my childhood with them and their disgust with my uni plans that they now brag about my success as though they played a part, and from time to time they do still upset me, but I can live with it.

With my DSIS things are drammatically different. When she had children and my parents started letting her kids down they way they let us down, she started to see them for what they are. We started to talk much more about our experience of them and we are now much much closer and usually see ourselves as on the same side, having survived the same crappy parenting. There is a difference though -my sisters experience is more of passive neglect / bad behaviour, mine is this and more -the active criticism, accusations, being treated like "the bad one", and of course I have to deal with the fact that she treated me like that too, until we were both approaching 30.

Over the years I've had to accept that my parents have poisoned other peoples view of me too. This has been hard, and here is the most recent blow.

One really positive experience of my childhood, a real oasis, was the company of an "aunt and uncle" (not real rels) who looked after us for the odd overnight stay. I loved them very much, loved being at their house, the general respect shown for us and each other, having nice food etc etc...But my aunt and uncle had no real idea what my parents were like.

Over the years I visited them every now and again until around 10 years ago. I had visited a couple of times to find that my aunt was cold with me. She told me that my DSIS had been round and told her that I was destroying my parents marriage, robbing them of house and home (by going to uni), and lots of generally selfish/nasty accusations. None true -my parents barely helped me at uni, it was sporadic small sums that dried up if they were particularly against me at any time and could never be relied on. It was also much, much less than they could afford. It was clear that my aunt disapproved. I left without really knowing what to say -i know she likes my parents and my sis and thought she liked me too. I guess I could have said something but I just didnt know where to start. Sometime after that my uncle died and I felt devastated that he died thinking I was so awful.

Every year I have sent my aunt a Xmas card. No card in return. Stupidly I just assumed she wasn't the type to send cards so just kept sending mine. Suddenly this year I got a card in return, i was delighted. There was a little note inside too saying that she'd like to see photos of my new (first) son. I phoned my sis saying that I'd got a card. Sis asked how much my cheque was for...turns out Sis has been getting a card every year with a cheque.

I feel like I've been kicked in the guts. It's not the money -i'm well off and would be embarrassed for a pensioner to be giving me anything. So many thoughts...

I suppose I realise that her opinion of me really was/is low, as she is a lovely person who wouldn't have treated us so differently on a whim...

I suppose, now that my relationship with my sis is good, I find it hard to have the damage she caused thrown in my face...

I'm worried that if I don't just tolerate this and keep it to myself (that I know what my sister said to her) i'll ruin what I do have with my sis and her family (after not having it for so long)....

I just feel absolutely sick to my stomach. This is another person I care about who will go to their grave thinking that I am the horrible person my parents have protrayed me as.

Sorry that's so long. Would really like to know how other people would deal with this. Thanks.

WOW! I'm not suprised that you feel sick! It really depends what you want the outcome to be. You could speak to your Aunt and have a conversation and ask open ended questions so that you gaige some idea of what was said and by whom. You could confront your parents (who as you said brag about your success) and get your true feelings out in the open and then there's your sister - you could be truthful about the card and the money and ask her whether she really did say all of things to your aunt and ask her why - it was a long time ago but it would be good to know. Parents have a knack of influencing their children's thoughts on things and if she was looking for their approval as their daughter, she may have said what she thought they all wanted to hear. Sorry that was a ramble - I hope it makes sense. What does DH think? It is good that your Aunt wants to see photos of your DS. I hope this helps x

I grew up in a similar environment but sadly never have grown close to my sister. Both parents now died. FWIW hats off to you for all your handling of the situation. As regards your aunt, could you have a word with your sister about your feelings and then maybe approach your aunt together. Not sure if your sister would be able/willing but it would be great if she could. Not sure if it is worth jeopardising your relationship with your sister over but if she could do this for you it would be lovely.XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Can you go and visit her and tell her how much you appreciate receiving the card and bring your son with her?

I wouldn't bring up uni or the real version of events at all unless she dows. I would say what you said in your OP about how much you enjoyed staying with them when you were young.

If she brings up the uni thing just be very factual but avoid making any accusatory statements about your parents.

I'm sorry you had such a crap childhood. Enjoy your son's first christmas and the life you have now.

Your aunt may indeed be a 'lovely person' but, if effect, she has always treated you differently 'on a whim'.

However, the 'whim' isn't the poison dripped in her ear by your dsis but the fact that is she, and no doubt your 'uncle', bought into the mindset of your parents and believed their warped characterisation of you and your dsis. Had this not been the case, it's unlikely that your 'aunt' would have 'cut you off' after your last visit to her.

It's gutting for you to realise that a couple you loved and respected so much, and who appeared to reciprocate your feelings, didn't possess the intelligence to see beyond their friendship with your parents and pick up on the emotional abuse that was being inflicted on you and, to a lesser extent as she was ostensibly the favoured child, your dsis throughout your childhood.

However, throughout the past 10 years your 'aunt' has continued to harbour the same unfair and unfounded negative thoughts about you that she voiced on your last meeting, and it remains to be seen whether the fact that she has reached out to you now can bring about any rapprochement that will take the sting out of her hurtful behaviour towards you.

If your current relationship with your dsis is such that you feel able to voice your understandable distresss that your 'aunt' has unfairly differentiated between you for the past 10 years, it may be that she will attempt to put the record right.

However, don't be surprised if your sister falls short of expectations in this respect as it is possible that, thanks to your shared childhood, she harbours feelings of envy/jealousy of your looks and academic achievements and compensates by relishing her position as the, again ostensibly, favoured child.

As for your 'aunt' being another person I care about who will go to their grave thinking that I am the horrible person my parents have protrayed me as, I hope you will come to see that this is their problem - not yours.

FWIW, I value my personal integrity above all things, and I take the view that if others are unable to recognise the worth in me it is ultimately their loss and there can be no need or justification for any ill-informed or biased opinion of my personal worth to diminish me in any way.

Return your 'aunt's' cheque with photos of your ds and a pleasant note saying that you hope that the years have been as kind to her as they have been to you and that, while you very much appreciate her generous gift, you trust that she will understand that your fond memories of her and her husband, your late 'uncle' will always be of value to you.

Izzy - there was no cheque in her card! however her sis had received one every year. Sorry OP I have no advice for you but it sounds a horrible situation for you x

My apologies for the misunderstanding re 'the cheque' or, more pertinently, the absence thereof.

However, my response stands with the amendment that you omit the part about returning her cheque from your pleasant acknowledgement of her note.

No doubt it was doubly hurtful to learn that your dsis has been receiving your 'aunt's' largesse on a continual annual basis, probably also on her birthdays and possibly those of her dcs, nevertheless the fact remains that her opinion of you is unfairly biased and I would encourage you to hold fast to that truth and not seek to 'explain' yourself to her unless an intimate occasion arises on which you can gently raise the matter of your hurt without rancour or bitterness.

As for your dsis's part in the rift between your 'aunt' and yourself and the subject of your parents in general I suggest that you also hold fast to another truth which is that what goes around, comes around.

On these issues you have nothing to reproach yourself for and, although I do not subscribe to any man made religion, when coming to terms with the less pleasant aspects of human nature I've sometimes found it necessary to, effectively, 'let go and let God' to ensure that the ignorance and prejudice of others removes any temptation I may feel to repay like with like albeit that my attempts to walk on water are not always entirely successful

Thanks all for replying and bearing with my long post!

Yes, that's right, there was no cheque in my card.

I will definitely send my aunt a note in return with a photo of all three of us. And we will visit. I don't think I will raise it with her at all -will just be as I have always been with her in the past. I don't want her to think badly of my parents; not for their sake but for hers. She's 86 and I don't think she needs to know what they are really like.

My Sis is a different issue. I suppose deep down I hope that I could tell her now what a long lasting effect her comments had, and now having a bit of insight into my parents, she just might take responsibility and apologise to me or even speak to my aunt.

I'm not sure though and trying to reign in that fantasy.

I think to some extent I'm always walking a bit of a knife edge with sis, no matter how close we get. I have found that she can suddenly turn against me, or make hurtful comments based on that persisting idea of who I am. Silly example but only yesterday she was cackling about how bad a photo of me with my new son and Santa that I put on facebook is. She said I looked utterly mortified to be photographed, as though I wished I was anywhere else and just kept going on about it as though I was too vain/too superior to enjoy my son's first meeting with Santa. It's just not true, I was practically tearful with excitement and a bit proud of my PFB (!) and if there's anything awkward about the photo it's just that I'm a bit self-conscious. There are often little things like this and I think there's always a bit of her that takes delight in my misfortunes. As a result, I enjoy my new closeness with her and there are no holds barred in speaking about my parents but I am very careful about anything else I give away about my life since I don't want anything difficult thrown in my face, or shared with my parents -I share absolutely nothing with them.

Most of the time I can just let this stuff go. I feel like I'm going to struggle with this. Sis is visiting for a few days around NY and it's just too soon for me to have let go and pretend. It's going to be hard. Husband has learned that the less said the better (especially when I'd be devastated to lose out on my relationship with my nephews) and wants to hide my aunts card to avoid it coming up in conversation. I think he knows, this soon to finding out, if it comes up at all I might not keep it together. And I guess he doesn't think a conversation about it will end well.

Wow...pretty much everything Izzy said. What an awful experience of family :(
I'd also say that if you are that worried about your sister having a bad reaction to being challenged, well if she does, she's not really worth having.
Hugs

Umm, that was rein in, not reign in! I am not the queen!

izzywhizzysmincepies-just want to thank you, i've read and re-read what you wrote while i've been sat here BFing. It's very helpful.

Oh, and Merry Xmas everyone!

Given choice of 'homely but nice personality' or 'pretty and clever' there's no prizes for guessing which the majority of women would choose.

As a result of your parents rigid aherence to unfair characterisation, it would be easily understandabe if your dsis is jealous of you and, unfortunately, jealously can ofen manifest as spitefulness.

Your dsis has most probably always envied you because you were depicted as prettier and cleverer than her and these deeprooted feelings will be exascerbated whenever her current lifestyle is less fulfilling than yours.

She doesn't have the power to hurt you and if anything, she is as deserving of your compassion as others whose biased or limited viewpoint has the potential to rebound on them rather than the subject of their disapproval or dislike.

Merry Christmas to you too, honey - but as you're bfeeding I'll nobly make the supreme sacrifice and drink the for you

Much to my own surprise, I'm going to offer definite advice on this one.

Your aunt and your sister are two different problems. Yes, you see the whole picture; the inter-connections, and have explained it clearly here. But the other two don't see this picture. Your aunt has no idea about it. Your sister has a different version of the same picture, by the same artist(s).

The note from your aunt was an olive branch. She has no cause or need to know everything you know about your family. Accept her gesture graciously and with love. Start a new relationship with her, now you're an adult and a mother.

You've come a long way with your sister, also building a new and more realistic relationship together. It's very nice to break free of childhood stereotypes but it can sometimes feel a bit scary. Tell your sister about the non-card, non-cheque thing. Tell her why, and tell her you understand things were very different back then - they were; she was still under your parents' spell.

Then move confidently forward, with two new and valuable people in your own family's life :) Enjoy!

to be honest, you sound as though you got the nice personality as well as the looks and the brains.

I would not expect your sister to put right any misinformation she has shared with your 'aunt',it wouldn't be in her favour, and it feels like she still has some residue envy of you?

I'd follow garlic's advice, start a new relationship with 'aunt', let her get to know the grown up, mature you, she'll discover your integrity for herself.