Help coming to terms with fathers abuse

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Hi ladies, I would appreciate your imput on the situation below as its going round and round in my head and even having trouble sleeping at the moment (and thats not just because of our 9 week old!)

Well basically Dad abused us sexually and emotionally as kids and my older sister got the worst of it. It has been raised in the past but always swept under the carpet. Mum seemed to live in denial but has now started councelling and wants to leave dad. My dad is very ill and doesnt have long to live. I guess I have always been the peacemaker and have always felt the need to treat dad as though nothing happened,almost as though I owed him something. My older sister has now stopped contact totally until he apologises properly and realises what he did - this seems unlikely. She has two young girls and so do I (2 year old and baby) I wonder if I had also been living in denial up until now?

Anyway I was supposed to be going to see them with my husband and girls this christmas, but I had an overwhelming sense of duty to my sister last night that I shouldnt, that I needed to stop pretending everything was ok and stick by her so I have cancelled the trip. I have only just told my husband too about it.
I know that my parents will be annoyed now I am not going, although I think ,mum will understand. I realise I also have a duty to my own children to keep them safe,although I would not leave them alone now with my dad.

I thought I had 'forgiven' him but since this all came to light again and mum is finally taking it seriously I am not sure, I feel guilty not even going down, I feel very confused and burdened.
It came to light a few months ago although we always knew it was happening but my sister wrote details of it to mums counceller and had been abused to years, I recall just two events of sexual abuse but emotional bullying on a daily basis. He would also belt us for long periods of time when he was angry. My brothers also remember this.

I have never been to councelling for this issue myself,my sister did some years ago and is seeking more help now. I have another younger sister who is not talking to anyone really and lives abroad.

I don't know what I am really asking of you,maybe some clarity or some understanding of why I feel like this and why I still feel kind of sorry for my dad or that I owe it to him to keep contact or go visit them. I almost feel like there is a hold over me or something.
Am I still living in denial?

Appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation or understand how I feel.
Thanks

Its never to late to report abuse, I did 3 months ago my so called brother was arrested this week. I would NEVER allow my children near him they never change, I had to do something as it was destroying me, when I was a 17 year old I told my parents I could forgive but never forget but I couldn't do either he was increasingly at my mothers house over the last 5 years and his son got married a year ago I couldn't allow it to happen to another generation if they have any little girls.

Thanks Dotty, I am sorry to hear what you have been through and I hope you get some closure on it. Do you feel you have now by reporting him?
I have been reading up a bit on this and still trying to understand how the abuse cycle works and continues through generations. I know I want to put a stop to that.

Hopefully I will get closure eventually its still very early days 8 weeks since doing an extremely hard statement I'm on medication and I'm going through counselling ATM dealing with over 30 years of it being buried is going to take time, whatever you decide to do good luck with it.

I reported my uncle for sexual abuse about 5 years ago when I was 23, it was tough, he'd abused me from the age of 3 to nearly 13 and my parents ignored it (turns out my dad was paid for the priviledge) Anyway, I found that after I reported it, a huge weight was lifted, he pleaded guilty and got 18 months in jail, but most importantly 10 years on the sex offenders register. There is no right and wrong time to report it, you have to do what you want when it feels right for you, I was the same as you dotty, I'd heard on the grapevine that he was trying for kids and his wife (who is blatantly two sheets to the wind) had heard rumours and wanted to have a daughter with him to prove he could be trusted and I'd made it all up. FFS, so I couldn't let it happen to anyone else and nailed him! Best thing I ever did!

I hate reading these stories, its so sickening.
Basically today I told mum I wasnt going down now and he threw a hissy fit apparently telling mum I was speaking all lies and saying it was 'slander'!!
Its driving me crazy but I am happy I stuck to my word this time and so is my sister. Do they always live in denial and do you think there is any way they will repent or be truely sorry for what they did?
Mum doesnt think it is likely and is looking to move out as soon as possible.
Do you think the only way to true closure is the reporting it route?

Dotty have you had other memories come up since having therapy, had you repressed much or forgotton stuff?
Loving sorry for you too and that horrid time you have been through. Do you think it was all worth it in the end, because it must take its toll going through the courts etc?
How depressing at christmas! :(

I have been told by DC in charge of our case that it wasn't a surprise that he denied it she has never had anyone admit to it.

I was only 4 when it started possible younger and 12 when it stopped I'm now 41 he has had half my life.It wasn't just me but my elder sisters he is 12 years older than myself.

Yes I have remembered lots including my parents reactions all written down in a diary along with the effects of disclosing it has caused, DC said it can be used as a victim impact statement if it gets to court. I'm meeting DC in charge over new year as I live in Scotland and this happened in England. Statement was done on camera here and all files sent down to them.

I have done a simple Christmas this year my youngest is 16 both girls know DS doesn't he's 17 and ASD so doesn't understand but if he knew he would be capable of serious damage to him.

Well I sincerely hope you have as good a day tomorrow as possible. My brother also lost it and nearly hit my dad before he left to go abroad.

For me it was the best decision I've made, however as he pleaded guilty I didn't have to give evidence. The toughest thing is starting the ball rolling. Dotty have CPS put any charges up? I was told that's the most difficult thing to
Happen.

Police are still building the case still have interviews to do but they have my medical records as well I was hospitalized at 12 don't know whats in them. DC wants to build a really strong case before submitting it to CPS he's out on bail until march only an hour away from here but not allowed near me or my family.

Did either of you have anyone else give evidence for you or witness to your ordeals or did you do it all by yourselves?
Also did you vere have a time when you felt sympathy for them or was it always just pure anger?

My older sisters have both given statements about what happened to them no witness's my dad almost caught him twice but he just pushed me aside, dad thought I was getting a cuddle off him. I was never threatened by him he spoilt me rotten always buying for me I absolutely adored him as a child, I now know why he was always getting stuff for me. Never had anger towards him really but I was an extremely angry person until I did my statement not angry anymore. I HATE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING he ruined my childhood and a lot of my life.

My mum will probably never speak to us ever again she says she believes us but still thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Yes, dad was the same, we always got nice presents and had good christmases etc...I found I had more anger towards my mum sometimes for letting it carry on, at least now she is doing something about it but not sure if that is for us or for herself.

Also do you feel you have been taken seriously by the authorities?

Absolutely both the ones i've dealt with have been so understanding as soon as I asked about what was happening to him she told me he would be getting arrested, she has told my sister it isn't up to them to prove his innocence but to prove his guilt.

:)