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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need urgent advice

51 replies

heavenlylily · 24/12/2011 00:10

Ok, i'm in bed. Tonight my husband hit me in the cheek (not too hard) and kicked me in the leg, hard enough for me to still feel it now. It will leave a bruise. He's not done this before but has been verbally aggressive towards me frequently, including shouting at me in front of the kids. Tonight's show was because we were having friends around and the house was a bit untidy. He said he was stressed.
He's got 4 anger management books in his beside table. He knows he has a problem. He's apologised for tonight. We still had our friends round as if nothing has happened. It's effing Christmas, I need to be there for the kids ( 2 and 4). I don't want this to continue. What do I do????? Please help. In tears now, know he will come up soon saying sorry, know he doesn't want to be like this but don't know how to handle this now.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 24/12/2011 00:13

Do you feel up to calling the police?

GincogniHoHoHo · 24/12/2011 00:14

God love, I'm sorry but you need to leave. He is escalating. Do you have family/friends you could go to?

GincogniHoHoHo · 24/12/2011 00:14

Yy to reporting to police if you are able. He has assaulted you.

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2011 00:15

Do you have family you can rely on? Would you be able to stay with them?
My DH gets stressed when the house is a tip - that's when he has a winge and picks up the hoover.
You have kids, please think that they might be hit, at the very least they are watching violence between their parents. They will be terrified, and in the long term are getting some very damaging messages.

FabbyChic · 24/12/2011 00:16

You call a friend/family if you have none you can go to, you call Womens Aid.

Whose house is it? Do you have your own money?

You cannot continue to live with a thug, with someone who respects you so little he is violent towards you, and tries to belittle you in front of your children. He is emotionally and verbally abusive, now he has resorted to violence, things will now only get worse as he pushes even harder.

You and your children take priority and come first, you can manage alone, you will feel better alone and not so frightened.

Tell him it is not acceptable and if he does not seek help urgently the relationship is over.

catherinea1971 · 24/12/2011 00:16

I also believe that a call to the police isin order, he is escalating.

Knowing he has a problem and doing something about it are worlds apart. If you do nothing now then he will see it as being allowed to do something again, so sorry.

GypsyMoth · 24/12/2011 00:17

What ate the Xmas plans? Were you going to family?

GincogniHoHoHo · 24/12/2011 00:17

Agree with stealth. Now he has broken the taboo it will be easier for him to do again.

GypsyMoth · 24/12/2011 00:17

*are

unreasonablemuch · 24/12/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhingingNinja · 24/12/2011 00:18

His abuse is escalating. You need to leave.

I can appreciate that you don't want to ruin christmas for your children.

Sorry for the 20 questions but to give you the best advice i will need to know, are you married? do you own or rent? Is your name on the mortgage/rent book?

BertieBotts · 24/12/2011 00:20

Okay, even if you don't feel up to calling police now - can you photograph your face in the mirror, if it's red at all? And your leg as soon as the mark comes up. You do not have to show these to anybody, but they will be there for you to look back on, proof in a way that you're not imagining things or exaggerating in your imagination. Of course you could then also show them to police etc if you wanted to at any time.

I hear you that he is doing anger management and you believe that he does not want to be like this. I am sorry, but if he did not want to hurt you, he would move out while he sorted out his anger issues. He would not endanger you by continuing to live in the same house.

I hope you are not too shaken. :(

GincogniHoHoHo · 24/12/2011 00:21

Are you ok op?

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2011 00:30

"He said he was stressed."
Given that Christmas is accepted to be a stressful time, and he's using 'stress' to excuse his behaviour (to himself), I would expect further violence is likely.

I agree with everyone who has said you need to protect yourself and your children - now, ASAP, not later hoping things will go back to 'normal' - which is also shit with his verbal aggression.

AbbyAbsinthe · 24/12/2011 00:33

Are you alright?

Original poster
heavenlylily · 24/12/2011 00:34

I'm ok, overwhelmed by all your support. I can't believe so many of u r saying call police, it's made me worry how serious this may be. I would never let him be violent to the kids in a million years but feel I'm just a buffer at the min. I'll do anything to protect the kids. I can't bear it when he shouts at me in front of them, he always apologises to us afterwards so he knows he is wrong. He has not once asked if I'm hurt after what happened tonight, and its not that sore if I'm honest but he doesn't get that I'm hurt. I don't know what to do. I can sleep in spare room but family r an hour away and kids asleep. Thanks for all your support.

OP posts:
Winkly · 24/12/2011 00:35

Please let us know you're ok OP. Phoning police is difficult but really you ought to do it. He HAS committed a crime against you.

If he doesn't act like this with shop assistants, his mum, his boss then he is in full control of his anger and the anger management books are deceptive manipulative bullshit. He can manage his anger perfectly well - by taking it out on you.

This is NOT your fault. This will NOT get better. You cannot help him, you cannot make him change. You CAN take steps to protect yourself and your children from a lifetime of abuse.

catherinea1971 · 24/12/2011 00:38

He apologises so he knows he's wrong.....but he does it again and again?
I'm sorry but he isn't sorry, they're just words, he doesn't mean them if he did he wouldn't be treating you this way.

catherinea1971 · 24/12/2011 00:39

And this is serious, he has assaulted you, what would you tell your sister/best friend to do in the same situation?

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2011 00:40

sleep in the spare room, get up early and get the children to your family?
We are saying it is serious because it is.

BertieBotts · 24/12/2011 00:42

It seems like overkill, I know, but the best thing to do is react when something has just happened because the longer you leave it, the more the doubting thoughts start to creep in.

If you phoned them - on non emergency number, 101 or google your local police force (don't forget to delete history if H uses the computer) you could just log the incident. Nothing more. You don't have to press charges, you don't have to go in all guns blazing, you don't have to decide on anything right now, but it's logged, in case you ever need to go back to it.

If you cannot bring yourself to phone the police, what about women's aid? 0808 2000 247 - again they will just listen if that is what you need, or you can ask for perspectives, advice, etc.

Original poster
heavenlylily · 24/12/2011 00:44

Oh god, I never wanted it to come to this. I know you are right, he's really v good at arguIng his way out of a situation, a v clever person. I truly believe I'm ok tonight, that sounds so cliched but he's asleep now and won't stir till I wake him. My family don't know what's happened. If I talk to them I know will get support but it's terrible timing, they have plans etc. does anyone think I have a chance of talking him into counselling etc??

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 24/12/2011 00:45

The kids wont know or care where you spend Christmas as long as there are a few pressies and lots of fun/cuddles. Go to your parents/family/friends in the morning if you can.

He will just keep getting worse and worse and worse - this is not OK, this is serious - for you and for your kids.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 24/12/2011 00:49

Maybe - but even if you did, it wont change him overnight. If it was me, I'd say he had to leave now, do the counselling/therapy and if he did we could stay married while he was doing it, see how things are in a few months.

I know you don't want to upset your family or feel ashamed/embarassed - but you have to put your & your childrens' safety first. You need to tell them.

catherinea1971 · 24/12/2011 00:49

Don't worry about the timing, you and your children need to be safe. Try calling womens aid like Bertie suggested (she is very wise about these issues) just chatting might help clarify the situation for you.

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