What can i do?

[Superduperdoo]

I've posted this over in AIBU but i was told i'd get more advice here.

My Sister has been married for just over 6 years to a very controlling man.

There have been many incidents over the years but now it's got to the point where we see her for 1 hour a week in her lunch break. We can't go to her house because he makes it impossible, taking her out on an urgent errand for example when we're due to arrive. She's not allowed anywhere on her own, she can go to our other Sister's house with him but not on her own. If she has a day off work he has to have the same one too.

We were invited to go over there Christmas Eve but because he's said some horrible things about my Son and is a complete and utter tosser i do not want to spend anytime with him what so ever.

We'd arranged to meet up in the pub yesterday lunchtime to exchange presents. He knew it was arranged. He text her yesterday asking if she could meet him for lunch yesterday and she said no. He went completely mad saying she shouldn't put us 1st because we don't care about her if we can't even be bothered to come and see her on Christmas Eve.

Lunch was ruined yesterday because of him and now she has to tell him in advance when we're doing lunch so she can still meet him to induldge in his fetish for alfresco loving. Soon he'll stop lunch all together and we won't see her at all.

I was shocked when i saw her yesterday she looked a complete nervous wreck. She's so skinny and pale and looks so anxious.

When we were with her she was saying she knew his reaction wasn't right but now she's with him she's saying she can see his point and is trying to make him forgive her. She's so worn down by him she's got no fight in her and she thinks she's in the wrong.

What on earth can i do to get her away from this controlling excuse for a man?

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do as your dsis has to come to her own realisation that she shouldn't have to tolerate a marriage in which she is a virtual prisoner.

All you can do is 'be there' for her and tell her that if she ever feels that she's had enough of living under his thumb, your door is open 24/7 and you'll do your utmost to make sure that he'll never be able to control her again.

God knows what threats he'll have used to reduce her to the state she's in now and I'm sorry to say that I suspect that he may be physically abusing her too.

On the few occasions that you are able to see your dsis, try not to dwell on her marriage and do your utmost to remind her of happier times when she was her own woman.

So sorry to hear this superduperdoo.
As horrible as it is izzy is probably right there isn't a lot you can do. You just have to make sure your door is always open to her. I would talk to her as often as you can to make sure she knows she has other options. She needs to get herself to the place where she can retaliate. Whether thats leaving him or whatever she is the only one who can do anything.

And i know you don't want to spend time with her husband but maybe you should, just so he knows that you aren't going anywhere and that your sister always has a way out.

If izzy is right and he is physically abusing her as well then the safest thing would be for you to spend as much time with her as possible...but obviously if you feel unsafe doing that then you can't put yourself or your ds in danger.
Best of luck xx

Point her in the direction of mumsnet x

Thanks for all the advice it's been very helpful.

Blimey. Does she have children? Does she always blame herself for him behaving like a nutjob?

Have you pointed out that having sex in public is illegal?

As she works, can you keep in touch via her workplace, if he cuts of all contact? Can she receive letters and calls at work?

She doesn't have children but he does that stay with them a few times a week.

I would imagine i would be able to contact her in work if i had to.

Is there any way you and your family could offer her a permanent way out?
Renting her a flat away from him and preparing it for her to move into when she is ready.
I only say this because i was the one who put my family through this for 7 years, except i also had 3 DDs added to the mix. 2 of my own, 1 of ours together.
The reason i stayed was because i didnt want to be a burden on my family and i was terrified he would turn up at families house and drag them into my mess. I was scared for them aswell.
They didnt know the half of what was going on.
What goes on behind closed doors is always far worse than the public persona he probably puts on show so maybe she is trying to protect all of you and herself by staying.
He sounds awful.
goodluck

Thanks Cheeky i'm glad you got out safe.

She knows she can come here or to our other Sisters or even our Dad's who lives further away. We wouldn't mind at all and would like to see him dare come and try to cause trouble.

I'm sure your sister knows that but i can only say why i didnt do exactly that and the reason was purely because i didnt want any of my family seeing his true colours even though i knew i was breaking their hearts staying.
If she wont come to you, then make sure that no matter what happens you dont let him allow contact to stop. That will be exactly what he wants.
My best friend used to barge into my house and completely ignore ex and be deliberately rude to him, i used to cringe when she whacked the kettle on and plonked her arse down for 2 hours but its strange because he never once crossed her! She was my sanity and biggest nightmare for those 7 years!
We chuckle about it now but believe me we had some tears going over and over it when he eventually left. We all needed to make sense of it.
I hope your sister finds herself again. Keep reminding her of who she was and still is and not the person she has become at his hands.
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Did it used to make him worse afterwards though? That's what i'm afraid of.

Yes and No.
He hated her with a passion and would slag her off behind her back but because she was a bit clever with him and become the loud one in the house i dont think he knew how to deal with her. He was used to me being submissive and a bit weedy i'm afraid.

She always offered him a tea or coffee when she whacked the kettle on then would talk about girly crap to me until he couldnt bare it anymore and left the room.
I think he was intimidated by her a bit.

He was never happy when she visited but because she didnt give up he kind of accepted that was how it was and she wasnt going to give up.
My Ex didnt need a reason to kick off, he would invent reasons to justify his behaviour so i really dont think anything those around me did made any difference even though i was a nervous wreck.

Its taken a long time to understand him and why i became who i did.

He will treat your sister badly because he knows he can.

I didnt recognise myself when i looked in the mirror. I couldnt even cope with shopping on my own when he left even though i had a well paid job as a manager. I could deal with work as he wasnt a part of it but homelife was an absolute disaster.

Spend more time with them and try and work out the dynamics a bit more. Is he violent or an emotional bully who screws with her head? Its hard to say how he will react to you until you know just whats going on. Mine was very violent but i found the mental games far worse and harder to deal with. He was the ultimate control freak.

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