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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex for 3.5 years....

22 replies

loveverona · 23/12/2011 00:30

So DH and I have been married for 11 years and since conceiving our 3rd DC have had no sex. DH admits he's lost his libido - I've always been the one bringing it up over the years (we need to sort this before it becomes a problem) but there's been no action, I've got nothing back from him. He says he hasn't really missed it and doesn't think about it that much. Feelings of resentment have built up in me and very slowly started rising to the surface until 6 months ago I snapped when I met someone and had a very brief affair.

DH knows about this and we've been/are going to Relate. The counsellor suggested he go to his GP to rule out any physical issue, but he hasn't done it. Again, no action. He then tells me that there's no problem with his libido, it's just with me.

I feel exhausted by it all, his apparent apathy and lack of warmth towards me, yet he says he loves me. This isn't love to me.

He says he isn't having/hasn't had an affair, but how can you go without sex if there's nothing wrong with your libido? He also says he's never 'sorted himself out' - good God, it's the only way I've coped over the last few years!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2011 05:50

He needs to go to the GP. It could be medical. High BP can cause this. Failing that... you have to decide what you want.

biryani · 23/12/2011 08:46

Either he's too embarrassed to talk to his GP, or he doesn't care about his relationship enough to do anything about it. You've tried - without success - so maybe it's about time you gave him an ultimatum. If it matters to you, it should matter to him. He also seems to be blaming you - why ydo you think this is?

3 years plus is a long time to be in a sexless relationship - about a third of your marriage - and I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to weigh up the positives against the negatives in the relationship with a view to getting out. Sounds pretty miserable to me, though.

LadyMedea · 23/12/2011 11:03

Get hold of 'the sex starved marriage' by Michelle weiner. Great insight, changed my perspective as the low sex spouse.

I would also second the ultimatum approach. If he cares and you lay down the options he should act. But you can't go on like this....

JackMatthias · 23/12/2011 11:05

He needs to go to the GP in any event to rule other causes eg: cardio-vascular disease out, maybe to get some viagra(!). But it sounds like it's probably more psychological than anything else...

BertieBotts · 23/12/2011 11:05

If he's saying the problem is with you, I don't understand... why is he staying in the relationship, saying that he loves you? :( Sorry to hear this.

Original poster

loveverona · 23/12/2011 18:53

Thanks all. Bertie this confuses me too. If it's me, why hasn't he looked elsewhere? If there's 'nothing wrong' how can he truly be happy without the sexual intimacy that I (and I think most people) crave?

To make things so much worse, I am still so drawn to the man I had the affair with. He symbolises everything I want out of a relationship, yet is unavailable - he'll never leave his kids. He too isn't happy in his marriage but is understandably so attached to his children, they're everything to him. Very hard to accept that we wont' be together. But that's life I guess, all about timing, and this is shit timing!

I need to try and forget him now and get him out of my system. Finding this very hard at the moment. Today not sure how we're going to get through Christmas.

I'm also so worried that, should the worst happen and we do split, I wouldn't meet someone else. I know people do, but you hear so many awful stories of how hard it is introducing to kids, etc. Also I'm not the internet dating kind at all, so that's limiting I guess. Not that I'd want to meet someone straight away anyway. Unless it was previous discussed guy!

Sorry, rambling now. Any thoughts/advice very welcome. I really need the support right now. Thanks so much.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 23/12/2011 19:51

You seem to be very glib about your own affair and also the fact that you were trying to mess up another woman's marriage and the lives of all the children. You might want to believe that he is staying for the children, but that's extremely unlikely. He is probably far more attached to his wife than he wants you to believe, either because he is trying to be kind to you or because he wants to 'park' you.

Your marriage sounds like a sham. Your husband doesn't want sex with you in particular and you'd ditch him without a moment's notice if the married man left his wife and family.

It sounds like it would be better and much more honest if you left the marriage to go it alone, leaving you free to find (single) partners who want to have sex with you. It's not fair of you though to want to bring all sorts of misery to another family's doorstep, just because your own relationship is unhappy.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 23/12/2011 20:13

should the worst happen and we do split

It doesn't sound like the worst thing to me! Why are you still with him?

Fwiw I understand why you had an affair. It is really not the solution though.

FabbyChic · 23/12/2011 20:32

Its easy to go without sex and not want it. Once its been a while you stop thinking about it, and never get an inclination or even a thought about it.

He has just passed the stage where it no longer bothers him.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2011 23:07

Okay well just for another perspective on the sex drive thing, I don't crave sex at all if there isn't someone around who I want to have sex with - and it's not based on physical attraction but how I'm feeling towards that person at the time. If there is strain on the relationship I lose my sex drive completely. So I don't think that part is particularly unbelievable, but if he wanted sex with you before, then, well, something's changed. I think that you probably need to sit down and have the awful discussion about whether the love is still there for him or not. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved.

Original poster

loveverona · 24/12/2011 00:11

Thank you. Hattytown - you are absolutely right of course. An affair is not at all the answer, but in no way am I 'glib' about what has happened. I have been terribly upset about the upset caused. Before this happened to me (and btw it is the first time EVER, I don't make a habit of it), I used to poo-poo people who said 'it just happened', but now I completely understand that. Of course it is not the right thing to do which is why it has now stopped. I know the reasons why it happened (and also from his point of view), but there are no excuses for it and I am deeply sorry that it came to this.

BertieBotts we have had the discussion about if the love is there and he says he still loves me, but just doesn't know if we can ever get 'it' back. I have the same concerns.

I'm still with him because he's my husband, we've been together for 16 years and have 3 beautiful children. It would be massive upheaval for everyone concerned and a big adjustment. But you are right, I deserve to be in a relationship that is right for me and where I feel loved. So does he.

OP posts:

Original poster

loveverona · 24/12/2011 00:12

By the way, in know way was I 'trying to mess up another woman's marriage'. I did not go out with that intention at all.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 24/12/2011 00:26

It didn't just happen. You both CHOSE for it to happen. You were right the first time when you ridiculed people who described this as a passive event to which they were merely bystanders.

For what it's worth, I understand why you chose this action and it must be soul-destroying being married to someone who doesn't want sex with you, but hurting another family is never an acceptable choice and in a way, you can only move on from this when you start taking responsibility for yourself and stop the myths.

I also don't underestimate how hard it will be to give up on your marriage, but he seems to have told you what the future holds and so you need to decide whether you can live in a sexless marriage, have an open relationship, continue to have affairs (and hurt yourself and others) or try for a goodwill split and eventually what you wanted the first time round; a relationship with someone who's in love with you and wants you.

BertieBotts · 24/12/2011 00:27

I saw that you said that above, but I wondered if a more in-depth talk might be helpful? Sort of finding out what he means by still being in love with you, because clearly something has changed, if he doesn't want to have sex, and I would imagine other aspects as well. Might it be that he is just saying he loves you out of habit or somehow to try and convince himself that he does? Sorry, I know this isn't a nice thing to say :(

DiamondDoris · 24/12/2011 00:49

I left a sexless marriage, it wasn't difficult, after more than 4 years without sex I no longer found ex-DH attractive (quite the opposite). My DC are happier because I'm happier. I am now in a loving relationship. Do what your gut tells you to do rather than thinking the DC will be unhappy if you split, they won't be if it's amicable. Good luck.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 24/12/2011 00:55

Does your H see the future as being married to you and sharing parenting but not having sex with you, and you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere? Or does he see the future as living separately from you and seeing DC on weekends? Ask him which he prefers, because he has demonstrated very clearly that he does not see a future of having a full sexual couple-relationship with you. And it is not up to him to decide that you will never have sex again. If he doesn't want sex with you, he doesn't get to veto you having sex with other people.

carernotasaint · 24/12/2011 01:25

Agree with Solidgold on this 100%

Catslikehats · 24/12/2011 04:06

Sounds like you have reached the point where an ultimatum is the only way forward. SGB puts it better than me, but your DH cannot expect you to stay married without sex. It is unreasonable.

I understand why you had an affair, don't beat yourself up about it. I am sure you are now hurting not just because of the pain your DH is causing you but for the loss of your OM.

Of course no one can really know but it sounds like you'd be better off forging ahead on your own.

Original poster

loveverona · 24/12/2011 15:25

Sorry Hattytown I should have been more clear to say that I poo-pooed the IDEA that this 'just happened', not ridiculing people. You seem very angry with me - I wonder if you have been on the receiving end? So sorry if you have. If not, I totally understand what you are saying and, fwiw, I completely agree with you! In no way am I proud of myself for choosing to take this forward - you're right, it is a choice and we both chose to allow things to progress when it should have stopped before it even started. All I can say is that we were both in desperate situations and weak. Our feelings also became very strong for one another (barely anything physical happened - it was just talking, but I acknowledge that that is no less hurtful for the partners involved).

Anyway, I realise that when you post onto forums such as this you should accept every opinion given, but I didn't come on here to be lambasted and to make me feel any worse than I already do. What I did was wrong. It has now stopped, things have moved on and I need to think very carefully about where I and my family go from here. That's the really hard part.

OP posts:

Original poster

loveverona · 24/12/2011 19:03

Sorry HattyTown - just re-reading my last post to you and I think I may have been a bit severe. Not having a particularly good day today. Apologies .

BertieBotts - we have had a more indepth chat on a number of occasions and I asked him what he wanted out of a relationship. He said security, family, companionship.... I understand all of that and want it too, but there's more to a marriage/relationship when you're only 39! I do feel as though him not wanting any change is because he's so used to having me in his life.

Really encouraging to hear your story DiamondDoris. It's not great for our DC at the moment and know that they would be happier if they had a happy, fun-loving household and mummy. How did you meet your partner, if you don't mind me asking?

One thing that does worry me is the logistics of separating, ie who goes where initially, how long before we'd have to sell our house, etc. God what a dreadful thought. It all feels very frightening to me at the moment, but equally I refuse to be in a sex/loveless marriage for the next 10, 20, 30 years and deserve to be happy.

Thanks so much everyone for your supportive comments, positive and negative!

OP posts:

mercibucket · 24/12/2011 19:22

It really sounds like there might be a physical cause for this but until he realises that he will lose you, he won't go and see the gp. Maybe once he faces the choice solidgold describes, he will decide to see the gp.
SympAthies, op, this sounds a v hard time

Original poster

loveverona · 26/12/2011 21:21

Update: Christmas came and went although I wasn't well so have felt a bit down. Anyway, DH and I had a chat earlier today and he basically said that he doesn't ever feel I could be happy with him so thinks we should separate. He also said we should use Relate to do this amicably. This is all good of course, as that is exactly how it should be if this has to happen, but I feel a real mixture of relief and sadness. I pretty much know that he isn't who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm concerned for him. I can't stand to think of him as lonely. Can't win really. I still care about him very much and always will, but I know I can't be responsible for his happiness. This isn't going to get any easier just yet....

Also never wanted to be a family where kids only see Dad on the weekends, but there are plenty around I know, and I'm sure many are much happier families than we are at the moment.

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