Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DH dreads empty house

17 replies

TheyCallMeMimi · 22/12/2011 21:36

Not sure if this should be here or in Mental Health.

DH is being forced into early retirement/redundancy in the spring. He is dreading it. He has been suffering from depression for about 4 years. He is angry and upset about having to retire early, partly because he will have a smaller pension than expected. We are fortunate that I have a good job and despite supporting 2 DCn at uni we are coping now and will cope in the future.

This isn't about the money side directly, except that he maintains he will not be able to afford to do anything once he has retired, except stay in the house all day. Rubbish, but it's what he currently believes. Meantime he gets very anxious about coming home to an empty house, eg if I'm not in before him. I have a longer working week than him and have a longer journey too. He deliberately takes long lunches etc so that he can justify coming home later than he needs to. However it means I have turned into a clock-watcher at work, anxious about when I leave the office. He seems to hate the idea of being in the house alone.

Anyone else have experience of this when approaching retirement?

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/12/2011 21:40

Whatever you do don't cut down your hours to spend more time with him at home.

Retirement is the time to spend indulging your hobbies and friends and doing charity work. Has he thought about all this.

Don't worry about the pension being smaller than expected, surely this just means you'll get more pension top-up. If you had a larger pension you'd get a smaller top-up or no top-up so financially it won't make any difference.

joanofarchitrave · 22/12/2011 21:40

Not exactly same experience, but after many years of thinking about it we are poised to get a dog, partly because my dh struggles to cope with socialising but finds long hours alone very difficult too. He has owned a dog in the past so knows the score. Would your dh find that easier?

For my dh, sitting down and going through the finances (again and again and again) would be needed whenever the fear of not enough money rears its head. Once the amount of spending money is agreed and split between you, the discussion could then go into what he could do with the money. We have had countless discussions like this.

don't know if any of this is at all helpful. I do feel for your dh and you. My mother absolutely dreaded retirement; tbh on the day it began she was like a new woman and never looked back.

jesuswhatnext · 22/12/2011 21:41

i would encourge him to try and volunteer for things, can he drive old/infirm people to hospital? curate at local museums? listen to primary children reading? anything really to get him to have a life outside of the home.

SP0104 · 22/12/2011 21:47

My DH suffers from depression and works from home. Now that I am at home with him (early retirement) I make sure we walk the dog for an hour every day, do gardening, go on errands etc. He does, also have hobbies,
What I'm trying to say is that he needs to structure some activities into every day life.
I also seem to have read in the newspaper/magazine a study where it was proved women deal with retirement better than men and can fill their days better.

CroissantNeuf · 22/12/2011 21:49

I was also going to suggest volunteering -I work and volunteer for a local charity and we have people of all ages from all walks of life that volunteer. Everyone comes for their own reasons but all get positives back IYSWIM.

He could also consider doing a course at a local college . A lot do courses about local history if that interests him? Or a course to develop a new skill or hobby ?

I think the secret is in finding something to give him a purpose or interest to distract him from the anxiety.

joanofarchitrave · 22/12/2011 21:53

volunteering with Reach might fit the bill?

Original poster

TheyCallMeMimi · 22/12/2011 22:04

Thanks - these are all useful suggestions, but I've been round them all before and he is simply refusing to listen to sense. He won't make plans at all. He's infuriating but it's clearly a very real fear for him. He had a couple of ambitions which he now insists are unmanageable ('can't afford it') but I disagree. But since he can't do what he wants, he'd rather do nothing / not be alive. (Childish, yes, but also very depressed.)

OP posts:

whyme2 · 22/12/2011 22:22

Is it worth going back to his gp for additional help?

joanofarchitrave · 22/12/2011 22:52

Then in that case, call Rethink/see your GP yourself. It's unbelievably draining supporting a depressed person.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2011 23:18

What is he taking for his depression?
You need to get him back to his g p and fast Very fast
He needs some therapy maybe Cbt but that won't help over Xmas
Maybe change meds.

But you cannot fix this he has to want to get help.

Drag him to gp tomorrow if you can

Keep close eye over Xmas as everyone being happy etc could push him over the edge

OriginalJamie · 23/12/2011 05:08

I'd agree

Get a review of the medication - ask for a referral to a Psychiatrist who works with older people. Be insistent. Someone close to me has had recurrent depression and his meds were sorted (finally) by a brilliant psychiatrist

Later on Re: volunteering - the website do-it.org.uk is brilliant.

OriginalJamie · 23/12/2011 05:10

And yes, once meds have kicked in CBT

Original poster

TheyCallMeMimi · 23/12/2011 13:13

Sure there are plenty of volunteering opportunities but he doesn't want to do that. There are unresolved issues re work but he'd rather work than not. I know adjusting to retirement is not easy for everyone and he is mid-50s - too young to retire and too old to find other work easily, especially in his field (redundancy is widespread in his field at the mo). How do/ others cope with the prospect of being alone all day?

OP posts:

doradoo · 23/12/2011 13:40

Does he have a hobby / interest that could turn into a small p/t job - my Dad was thinking about trying to a part time job at B&Q type thing when he retires... he loves DIY and it's his sort of thing?

That way, not only do you have something to do, but it brings in extra cash too....

He needs to try to see the retirement as a the start of a new period in his life and giving him the time to do what he wants rather than the end of something. Not easy I know but dwelling on the positive and all the opportunities (which don't need to cost anything) is the way forward

Original poster

TheyCallMeMimi · 23/12/2011 13:49

Oh he's too proud ( his word) to work in B&Q! Though he'd be good in there. No, he just wants to fester. He had to see his counsellor as an emergency during the week and revealed last night that he has hospital appt this pm. He won't tell me what time though ( frustrated emoticon). I'm hoping they find something to help him.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 23/12/2011 14:07

well he is making his own choices. "he wants to fester".

time for you to set boundaries.

he wants to be grumpy and miserable - fine.

you dont have to put up with it any more than you decide you want to.

cestlavielife · 23/12/2011 14:09

"How do/ others cope with the prospect of being alone all day?"
either you someone who is happy with their own company or you make a point of seeking out other people.
but if he refuses all suggestions then his problem really

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread