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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like my heart is breaking

33 replies

QuestionTime · 22/12/2011 19:54

And not sure if I am doing the right thing? My mum was diagnosed with brain cancer 4 months ago after collapsing and having a seizure. She has 8 brain tumours, and is now on chemo but super best case scenario we are looking at a year tops.
She lives in Penzance, and has no family other than dad down there (he is pretty much blind.) I live in Windsor and my sis in nottingham, meaning its a minimum 5 hour journey. I go as often as I can, usually once every 2/3 weeks but it isn't enough. Last time I was down she was so depressed and just wanted to die. The chemo was making her so ill, and she felt so lonely and isolated that she couldn't see any point in living. It broke my heart even more to see her like this, she is literally my best friend in the world as well as my mum.
Anyway during that visit I convinced them to move to windsor so that I can look after them. Also everything would be on their doorstep, shops, theatre, restaurants etc (currently they have to get a taxi to even get a carton of milk.) Plus my sis will be 2 hours not 6 hours away.
They found someone to rent their house within 3 days of it being on the market, and I am now frantically trying to find somewhere here that has no steps. (they are more than welcome to live with me I am in a second floor flat and dad can't manage it) My sis says that the whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen- that such a move is too much for them.
But I couldnt leave them down there on their own. All mum wants to do is be with her daughters and that's impossible where she currently lives. Have I done the right thing? I'm only 26- feel too young to lose my mum.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForBreastorLeg · 22/12/2011 20:04

I am really sorry x

Personally, I think you have done the right thing

Would it have been possible for you to move nearer to them though ? Or not ?

crystalglasses · 22/12/2011 20:06

You have definitely done the right thing. how could you have lived with yourself if you hadn't?

noddyholder · 22/12/2011 20:06

I think you are being amazingly kind and mature and just so loving to them. It won't be easy I'm sure but you will have some great memories and I think you are doing the right thing as anything less would probably really upset you down teh road.xx

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 22/12/2011 20:09

Absolutely agree - you sound like a lovely caring daughter x

Robotindisguise · 22/12/2011 20:10

Yes, you have done the right thing. What is unspoken in this (am I reading you wrong?) is an understandable fear that you will now be a carer and that that will stop you from being able to do all the things people in their twenties do. It's not the case. And anyway, the next year will be about your mum - and that's something you'll look back and be glad you did.

Hypermutley · 22/12/2011 20:11

Very sorry to hear about your mom.

I too think you've done the right thing, in times like this the family unit (if you're close) is what helps. I see what AF means re option to move near them, but seems like where they live is quite inconvenient?

I lost my dad earlier this year, he was ill for a while but health plummented quite quickly in the last 6 months. He and mom were never keen on living with me here, but he really wanted us to be near him in the last year or so. He was in so much pain he kept saying he wanted it to end, but was sad we wouldnt be there. So I can understand what you and your family are going through.

All the best xx

Original poster

QuestionTime · 22/12/2011 20:11

I thought about moving to them but it would mean both my husband and I giving up our jobs and that would have upset my parents even more.

OP posts:

RightTitNoMore · 22/12/2011 20:12

QuestionTime, people react in different ways and people cope in different ways.

If your parents were easily persuaded that moving to where you live is a good idea and is what they really want in their current very sad situation then you have done the right thing. Yes, a big move can be very difficult for older people but it sounds as though staying in Penzance could be equally difficult.

Perhaps your sister isn't coping as well as you seem to be. Maybe she needed the 6 hour journey distance to disguise the fact that she feels unable to cope with seeing them as often as you have been doing. Their move to Windsor will go a long way to removing that obstacle to such visits.

I speak as someone who is currently having to deal with cancer and other people's reactions to it from the patient's perspective. You've done what you think is best for all the family. That's all any of us can do.

Good luck.

Original poster

QuestionTime · 22/12/2011 20:13

Oh gosh I don't mind about being a carer in the slightest- I just don't want to lose my mum. I love her so much.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForBreastorLeg · 22/12/2011 20:13

Yes, I see

I wondered whether, because you are so young, you were still single and relatively "fancy free" IYSWIM

No, you two should not give up your jobs x

Tattymum · 22/12/2011 20:17

Absolutely you are doing the right thing - enjoy the etime you have with them. Co-incidentally I am researching housing in that area for an elderly moving out of London - have a look at this www.housingcare.org/housing-care/facility-info-13067-bowes-lyon-close-windsor-england.aspx

puzzlesum · 22/12/2011 20:21

I think there is a lot of merit in what you're suggesting - and, frankly, a better way for your mum to spend her last year than stranded so far away. But a move under such circumstances will be incredibly difficult as well; the main thing that would concern me would be how to ensure her cancer treatment is properly maintained. This may be far more difficult than you currently imagine - I would advise finding out what's involved as soon as possible.

Good luck to you all - I hope you make many happy memories this coming year as well as the inevitable sad ones.

itsxmascryingagain · 22/12/2011 21:54

Ah Questiontime, you are an angel. So sorry that your mum is ill but this way, you can not only be supportive, you can spend as much time as you can with her.

It sounds like you have done entirely the right thing. Bless you!

Pantofino · 22/12/2011 21:59

Well it is up to your mum and dad what is or isn't possible surely? If they are happy with the idea, and you have time and stamina to cope with what you have offered then that is fantastic.

Pantofino · 22/12/2011 22:05

I do understand though that you can offer support without fully understanding the needs though. My dsis was suggesting my elderlly GPs moved to hers so she could look after them.....Great idea on the surface - but she is very rural, there are no buses etc. She would have to drive them, sort shopping etc well everything.....And they didn't want to be in that position.

Original poster

QuestionTime · 22/12/2011 22:06

Thanks everyone. Just a total emotional mess tonight. Can't stop crying. Going down there tomorrow and will have to be strong and smiley for them but tonight just don't feel like I can bear it- knowing that this will be the last Christmas

OP posts:

JollyJinglyJoo · 22/12/2011 22:07

You have definitely done the right thing. So sad for you. I lost my mum when I was 29, after a long illness. During her illness I always made sure I was within "dropping-it-all-and-getting-home" distance. My mum was often difficult and drove me mad, and it was very very hard to watch her in the last couple of months (?years) but being able to spend that time with her was irreplaceable. A couple of years after she died, my (very fit and active) dad had a stroke, and we made the decision to move even nearer. As if by providence while we were looking the house next door to his house (my childhood home) came up for sale and here we are! He is thankfully now fit and well, but the fact we live so close has been wonderful- he has a fabulous relationship with our dc, and is happy to babysit/ do pick-ups etc. Having lost my mum, I love being close to my only remaining family.

I'm sure it will be an upheaval for your mum and dad BUT I have no doubt that they (and you) will not regret it- good luck

storytopper · 22/12/2011 22:08

Either way (you moving or them moving) it was going to be difficult, but you made the right choice, I think. It will be easier for you to visit when your parents need even more help and support.

You will probably have a bumpy few weeks when they first move into their new accommodation, as it may take both of them a while to get used to it - especially your Dad if he is almost blind.

We moved my husband's father 400 miles to be near us (slightly different situation as he was already in hospital - good old NHS) and it did work out for the best.

I hope everything goes well for you all and you get some quaility time with your Mum and Dad. You are a lovely daughter.

JollyJinglyJoo · 22/12/2011 22:12

QuestionTime- I really feel for you. The only thought that helped me deal with the unfairness of losing my mum so young was when I felt angry and sad about it all one night I suddenly asked myself: Would I rather have had MY mum for the measley 29 years I did, or would I rather have anyone else's for 70 years? No contest. I was blessed to have her at all, even if it wasn't for long enough. Stay strong for her, but be open with her (mum and I had a wonderfully sad and candid conversation a couple of weeks before she died about how we both felt about her impending death, I treasure the memory of it) I hope you can find some happiness with her this Christmas x.

ballstoit · 22/12/2011 22:13

If they agreed to move, then I think that means you are doing the right thing.

Will you be seeing your DSis over the christmas period so you can talk together and find out what her feelings are? Perhaps she is jealous that you'll have this time together, or feels she has let them down by not trying to persuade them to come to her? It's difficult to speculate but hopefully you can get to the bottom of what she's thinking, in an ideal world you would support each other through what is clearly going to be a hard time for you both.

Sending you good househunting vibes and hugs x

dustlandfairytale · 22/12/2011 22:35

What a fantastic daughter you sound. I am sure you have done the right thing. Wishing you the very best of luck with everything, you most certainly deserve it.

neversaydie · 22/12/2011 22:45

We moved my parents from East Anglia to central belt Scotland this summer. Similar scenario. I had been trying to persuade them to move for four years.

It went amazingly smoothly - much to everyone's amazement.

Good luck!

hatesponge · 22/12/2011 22:56

I think you have absolutely done the right thing.

I lost my mum quite suddenly (she was ill, but we didn't know how ill til a day or so before) when I was 21, I still miss her all the time. It is horribly unfair. But I do look at it as Jollyjingly says, that not enough years with my lovely amazing mum was still so much better than lots of years with a mum I didn't get on with.

It will be hard, but I really hope you and your family have the best possible Christmas together.

ontherocks · 22/12/2011 23:18

You have done the right thing and they've made the right decision. I'm in tears reading this, I can't imagine being in this position but I know we all have to face it one day. They wouldn't move if they didn't want to. You will have such treasured, lovely memories to look back on. Make the most of every moment, I know you will. I know you're thinking it's the last Christmas, but make it one of the best (hard to do I understand when you're feeling so sad). I hope your sister is ok, I definately agree a chat with her would be wise.
I hope you find suitable accommodation for them. Sending you big hugs, you are such a wonderful daughter x

mummytime · 22/12/2011 23:19

Do you have support from Macmillan or Marie Curie, both organisations were wonderful when my Mother was dying of cancer.

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