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Relationships

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Original poster

Inequality in marriage

18 replies

wasgoingtobemaxine · 22/12/2011 19:40

Hi, I'm hoping to get a bit of help on a subject that's been bothering me and my views in my marriage for a while, and I haven't known what to do about it. Iv been married for 9 years have 3 kids. Ive only just started back at work but do minimal hours at weekends for now. So Ive obviously been the one at home doing everything for a long time, husband helps a bit, but I'm just getting sick and tired that he doesn't ever have to consider me or our family when he arranges trips away with work / drinks / lunches out with friends or whatever he wants to do. He is in a privileged position at work which allows him freedom (paid by the company ofcousre) I can't fart without worrying where the kids are, who's picking them up or what time I have to be back.

I wish sometimes that I hadn't given up my job when I had my first child, that I made sure we shared the parental roles/housework whatever, and I hadn't fallen into what sometimes feels like a trap. I love my children with my whole life and more, but can't get a thought out of my head that sometimes I'd be better off on my own, seeing as I do everything on my own already! I'm so resentful of my husband, it's making me a very miserable person, and worst of all mum. I shout more at the kids, and know I shouldn't as yes they have their moments, but all in all are good kids. I'm so angry, feel sorry for myself??? And probably not very nice to be around.
Ive tried so many times to talk to him about it, how I feel but nothing changes.......... I don't know if I'm screwing with my own head, that I should get a grip and accept that this is how it is, or I should fight. It isn't what I signed up for, it isn't what I thought being married and having kids was all about.

OP posts:

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 22/12/2011 20:05

I know what you feel like, although I wouldn't have missed my time at home with the kids for anything. It may surprise you to know that I am as I was in a similar situation but my OH would not go out to earn a proper living, we have had to scrimp and save and live on a gift from a relative over the decades.

Someone with more relevant experience will be along in a minute. x

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 22/12/2011 20:06

PS I did my best, and did manage to work for a bit, twice, but mh issues caught up with me.

CailinDana · 22/12/2011 20:23

No, you should not get a grip and accept it. Have you told him that you feel you would be better off on your own? Does he realise how serious it is?

BunnyLane · 22/12/2011 20:41

You should definitely tell him how you feel again, and explain what you expect.
You shouldn't have to put up with this. You're in a partnership and he should want you to have time for yourself.

My husband works long hours and doesn't really help with housework but he's been like that before we had our daughter and I don't really mind it as I'm a clean freak anyway and rather do it myself but he'll always look after our DD if I want to go out or just need time to myself...

I'm sorry you feel like this. It's not fair on you.

I don't really have any advice appart from the fact that you need to talk to him and make him understand how you feel.
If it's possible when he'snot at work just say to him in the morning, I'm off don't know when I'll be back, I habe things to do... And leave him with the kids, go and pamper yourself!

tentative123 · 22/12/2011 20:44

have you considered going back to work yourself? it might help?

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2011 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 22/12/2011 21:02

What has been his reaction when you've talked to him about the inequaltiy in your marriage?

The OP has started working at weekends tentative.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 21:14

I agree that you need to talk to him.

Would it help to set down clearly what you do do? I found I was getting tired but at the same time, hadn't realized how much I did. If you write down all the chores, would that help? I mention this because you make a point of saying that you 'gave up your job' when you had children. But if you have 3 children in 9 years, someone had to be looking after those children and when children are very small it clearly is a full time job - if you'd not been doing it, you'd have had to pay a nursery. And to pay a cleaner. And a cook? And a PA for your husband, maybe?

It all starts to mount up and look like rather more than a fulltime job when you work out what the equivalent hours/wages would have been if your husband had had to pay professionals to do what you're doing.

AmorYCohetes · 22/12/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jolyonsmummy · 22/12/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2011 22:08

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wasgoingtobemaxine · 22/12/2011 22:34

Thank you all for your lovely messages, I'm new to this and wasn't sure how it would all work, but you don't realise just how supported I feel already by people I don't even know!!
Our situation is very difficult, his job is very social and he loves it. I'm not denying him of this as I know what a privilege it is to have a job you love. He's not really one for going out all the time with his mates as his job takes him all over and he gets on really well with his colleagues, it's not really a 9-5 office thing if you know what I mean?? I find it hard to express what I'm feeling as he will always come back and say "it's his job, what can he do?" I know what I've been doing for the last 9 years has been like a full time job and I know how it would all go to shit if I wasnt around. It's just very hard for me to accept 'my role' even after this time. I have started working again but it's very hard to do as I can't rely on him to help with the kids and I don't have any help near by, so it comes down to me AGAIN to organise kids, the home etc etc
I will def look into the book a few of you have suggested I've never heard of it before, anything to read up on which gives me some sort of encouragement will be great. I'm struggling to respect and love him when I'm so resentful.... I want to shake it off and remember why we got together but am finding it so hard.............

OP posts:

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 22/12/2011 22:44

Do you two ever go out together without the kids, to a meal or the cinema or anything?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/12/2011 22:52

Ok, it's his job. It strikes me there are two obvious things he can do:

He could reduce his hours or get another job. Both of these are fairly drastic solutions but they are possibilities. By saying 'what can he do', he's not seeing that his job is still up there are a variable in your shared life. There is something very wrong if he refuses ever to consider his job as a variable.
Even if his hours are not 9-5, there must be time when he is not working. How much time, does he reckon? How much time do you spend not working when you include the work you do in the home and for your children as work, as well as your paid job? I imagine both of you are pretty busy. (FWIW, both IME and in published research, it's been shown that women tend to underestimate how much time they spend on housework, so you may well be doing more hours than you think).

Given that he isn't working literally 24/7, there must be time when he could be doing more around the house, especially now you've taken on some work outside the home and have less time for other things. Would he accept the possibility of doing a bit more in his non-paid hours, even if they are not a predictable 9-5?

Being responsible for organization is a total pain in the arse and so, so many people on here say that! I can completely sympathize and if you find the magic answer, let me know! But it is a very real chore and you are not alone or being unreasonable to find it annoying ... he needs to know that organization doesn't just magically happen, it happens as a result of your hard work.

stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 23/12/2011 10:00

Does anyone have a link to that story where the man comes home to the house where the mum hasn't done all the unseen things she does everyday and there is chaos? I think op's dp could do with reading it.

What seems to be a typical pattern here is that when parents' roles split after DCs the Mum's becomes a 24/7 job whereas the man's stays with his old working hours whether 40 or 80 hours a week, but it is NEVER the 24/7 365 day job the woman has. Are people really so bad at Maths that they can't see how unfair this is?

maybenow · 23/12/2011 10:05

things change over time, you've got three kids, you stayed at home, they're now older (not sure how old?) but no longer infants, you're doing some hours at work, it's natural that your life and your DHs life should change a bit.

time for a sit down, don't talk about the past and the now (staying at home was your decision even if it hasn't turned out how you hoped) focus on the future, talk about how the kids are older now, it's time to share the parenting more equally, develop the kids relationship with their father, and get a plan in place to gradually ramp up your career.

this doesn't have to be accusatory and pick him up on his behaviour of the past but it can set the tone and patterns for the future...

good luck.

ElfenorRathbone · 24/12/2011 00:26

The fairest way to judge the allocation of housework in a relationship, is how much free time each partner has.

Most men have far more free time than the women they live with, because they do less domestic labour than them. They then use the fact that they do paid, high status labour to excuse them from doing the unpaid low status labour they can't be arsed to do and don't feel they should do. Well none of us like the unpaid, low status work, but it has to be done and it should be shared equally as should opportunities for self-fulfilment in careers, hobbies etc.

If one partner has far more leisure time than the other, then that's an exploitative relationship in my book and eventually, the resentment that builds up in the other partner, corrodes the love and destroys the relationship.

If people don't want that to happen, they need to tackle it. And it needs both parties to tackle it, it's a two person job, this relationship business.

JollyJinglyJoo · 24/12/2011 00:35

I agree with other posters that say things will change. DH and I were always very "equal" in terms of salary/ hours/ housework until the 3 dc came along. At that point I wanted to be at home with them, and went to working p/t (only 2 days/week) and doing all the house-y stuff too. It did sometimes make me feel a bit "inequal" but I liked having that time with the dc.

This year I started my own business. Now DH does a lot of the dc-related stuff (dinners/ baths) and I feel guilty! BUT I am back to being who I was pre-dc, iyswim? I can see the roles changing throughout the years, tbh, and that is ok. I love my children massively, but I needed to do this for myself. Hopefully it will also benefit them in the long run.

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