advice needed please

[rotool]

I am in an emotional abusive relationship...after 10 years I have had enough and 2 nights ago tried to talk to DP about us separating. He won't entertain the idea of me finding somewhere to live and having the dc's with me. He says if I want to go then that's up to me but I am not taking dc's away from him.
I have tried explaining to him that our unhealthy relationship is effecting the dc's but he insists that he has done nothing wrong and even though I have said he can see dc's as much as he wants he says they have to stay with him.
I am guessing that a court would not agree as he would have to get a nanny but I am scared to leave with them as I think he would keep them after a visit or just come and get them from my new place and how would I stop him?

Dont tell him where you move to, get a residency order for your children, only allow supervised contact.

He will easily find me,he has only got to come to the school and follow me home

you need to sort it out legally

he is their father after all, he has as much right as you do to have them live with him

Does he do much to look after the children currently? Does he know their routines, how to feed them, what's going on at school? If the answer is no then he's feeding you a pile of horseshit. He knows how to hit you where it hurts and a guaranteed sore spot is the children. If he has no interest in them currently then he's not going to suddenly develop an interest when you separate.

Don't mention leaving again, act like you've listened to what he has said. Then, quietly, make arrangements to leave. See a solicitor, get clear on your legal situation and what you need to do to protect yourself. Gather what money you can, get yourself sorted and then leave, without telling him. Let him go through the courts to gain access, don't let him near the children until everything is legal and above board. A bully like him will easily be scared by anything official.

It's great that you've finally decided to leave. Don't let him beat you down with his words any more, because that's all they are - words.

words with friends.... you wouldn't be saying that if you loved them like I do. He is abusive to me in front of them and can be unreasonable with them too.
He loves them very much but doesn't do anything with the other than play with them and read the odd bed time story to them.

Phone Womens Aid for some advice.

That's what I though rotool. I seriously doubt he actually wants full custody of the children, he wouldn't have a clue how to deal with them. He said what he did to keep you scared. Don't let it work.

I am scared though, there would be no point in anything without them.
I guess I need to get some legal advice before I leave so we both know where we stand. I tried telling him I don't want to be with him any more but he acts like I haven't said anything and keeps trying to kiss me and calling me darling and honey. It's not nice being here.

I can imagine that it's horrible being where you are now. Do you want to talk a bit more about what's going on? If that would help.

He won't want full custody of the kids. He's using your fear of losing the children against you. CailinDala has good advice. Don't give away all your plans and tactics to your husband. Stop telling him everything. Work out your options, with the help of a solicitor or women's aid support. Only then start taking action. If you have a very trustworthy friend of relation then use them as a sounding board. Or write down your plans (securely and for your own use only) and read them back at times of weakness. You can do this and you won't lose your kids. He's bluffing and trying to bully you. Good luck. Come on MN any time for support and I"m sure you will get it. All best. Keep strong x

Do pop by the Living with abuse thread, where there are lots of nice people sadly dealing with similar issues. x

We're not always sad, it was the situation I was referring to!