Advice needed

[Movingout]

I'm new to MN, but did post this on the divorce thread yestersay, but may be more appropriate for this thread.

For a long time I have been very unhappy in my marriage, for longer than I can remember. DH drinks heavily and is extremely verbally abusive. We have nothing in common and I will always resent him for not helping or supporting me in bringing up our two DS now aged 17 and 12,

He doesn't drive, hence has never done a super-market shop, a school run or a late night pick-up. He has never been to a school meeting or single handedly taken the boys out.

I would describe him as a person with an obsessive personality. Despite the fact that the house is spotless, (it has to look like it hasn't been used by the time he returns from work), he is constantly making accusations that "I couldn't be bothered to clean up", "couldn't be bothered to cook a 'decent' meal etc, etc.

We both work full time, but due to the fact that up until recently he has always earned more, he be-littles and dismisses the fact that I work. I have a busy job and I also bring up my sons like a single parent.

I have always dreaded his home-coming, but I now fear them. Recently, rows start because he swears and shouts at DS1 or accuses me of "not being bothered to do something", when I try to step in or defend myself, he becomes very abusive, mimics what I have said or over exagerates my body language. He has never physically attacked me.

The atmosphere in the house is hostile, far removed from a loving family atmosphere.

There an additional major problem. For the past 2 years, as a result of the recession his earnings have dried up. For the most part, the only money coming into the household is my salary. This is not enough by a very long way to cover our out-goings. The bank have closed down our accounts, with us both jointly liable for a huge amount of debt and we are under threat of having our house repossessed. Despite this, he refuses to put the house on the market. Our marriage is now toxic, but he will not consider any type of separation, he says he will divorce me but when it suits him, not me.

I feel so weak and useless and have no idea how to resolve this sitation and give my 2 DS a better life. Where do I go from here?

Move out you earn the money you use it, rent yourself a house for you and your children, claim tax credits and child tax credits if necessary.

Move when he is at work and leave him a note, take from the house everything you need ie furniture and stuff, make plans to leave and in doing so you will feel better in yourself.

You can divorce him whenever you like, you don't have to have his agreement! Could you see a solicitor to find out a bit more about your options?

Get to a solicitor as soon as possible to discuss your options. Agree - you don't need his permission to do anything.

You are not weak or useless, just tired and worn down by his crap. Go and talk it all through and get some advice.

You do not need his permission to separate or divorce. You can just do it.

Minus the debts this was my marriage. It was horrendous. Feels so good to be free from the abuse!

(That was not a gloat but just letting you know that you will breathe easier alone)

Thank you to everybody that has offered such great advice and shown such empathy. I do have a very close family but sadly they don't live nearby. I really feel that if I could move out of the house I would be more able to deal with the situation; but I am being held back. DS1 is in the middle of A'levels and needs top grades to get the university he wants, would the move be terribly detrimental? I would like to stay in the same area where I have a job, friends and good schools for the children but it is so expensive and as I do have a job and a house I may not get any help. I am on anti-depressants but not sure they really help when depression is caused by life's circumstances rather than a medical problem.
I know I'm not being a good mother at the moment, I am so pre-occupied with worry. Our debt problems seem to be getting worse and worse, post Christmas I received a court summons for council tax arrears and a very scary letter from building society and I know it's pathetic but I just don't have the strength to deal with these things. I feel so alone.

Get along to the CAB as these debts are priority ones. They will help negotiate on your behalf.

ADs may be helping more than you know, of course you are worried out of your mind, but it might be worse without them.

My friend's parents divorced in similar circumstances when we were 17/18ish. She celebrated when she heard the news, and maintains to this day it was the best decision her mum ever made.

PS that was three months before our A levels and she got the As she'd been predicted

if you are too weak to do it for yourself, be strong and do it to protect your children, who i expect have suffered and been damaged for far far too long as it is :(