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Original poster

MIL and my MC

22 replies

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 14:57

I am in the middle of a mmc. I actually feel OK now, but that's another issue. When DH told MIL on Monday she was threatening to come up and nurse me and look after DS for me. DH very astutely told her not to as it was not what we wanted or needed, without even asking me. Isn't he great? Anyway, she has not called or texted me at all, all week, or left a voicemail, to say something like "thinking of you, hope you're OK". Nada, zilch. As we already knew about her, her offer was more about her needing to felt needed than our actual needs.

So, I have to see her tomorrow night, and christmas day, and boxing day. I could very well cry off at least tomorrow night, but DH would like me there, and unless something changes, I am definitely well enough.

I'm sure she will come over all sympathetic and demonstrative, as well as regaling me with stories of "miscarriages-I-have-known". She is known by all for her tactlessness. I'm just not interested. I don't want her touching me, I don't want a fuss (no one much knew about the pregnancy, and we will be around lots of family, some not very close at all). If she does I intend to tell her, nicely, "we're fine, we've moved on, I don't need to talk about it now". If she goes on I shall tell her that I don't want to talk about it with her and she is not helping. Actually what I really want to say is "I find the sudden interest a bit weird seeing as you haven't contacted me since it happened". I am planning to save that one for in case she is stupid enough to push it too far.

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 22/12/2011 15:31

I think your plan is fine, although I would amend it to "I don't want to talk about it" repeated like a broken record as needed.

I'm so sorry you're going through an MMC.

Gigondas · 22/12/2011 15:41

Sorry for your loss but am confused . Your dh tells her to back off so she does . Then you are worried she may be Ott/ tactless when you see her but you may not go anyway. Am a little as to what you do want her to do- say/do nothing or be sympathetic (which sounds like she can be albeit in a tactless way).
Are you sure you aren't just using mil as way to vent? I do have tons of sympathy having had 3 mmc myself and I know that I get angry/irrational and first people to get it in neck are my family at times.

Gigondas · 22/12/2011 15:47

And tbh If you can i would indulge yourself and only do what you want / see people that dont stress you at Xmas. Sounds like you might feel ok as you say in some ways but don't need any extra stress.

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 15:54

gig i understand your confusion. What I find hard is that MIL likes to offer support in a very ostentatious public way, but betrays herself by failing to show any real concern. It just underlines how I feel about her, that she is DH's mum and if he wants her support then she should give it, but that currently I neither want nor expect it from her. (My mum OTOH has judged it just right. God I love her). I am considering not going to avoid the discomfort she may cause me with her gushing.

at the moment my psychological state is questionable I suppose. I'm sad, but feel deflated rather than grief stricken. I'm not sure I want to vent, but I guess it's possible.

OP posts:

Gigondas · 22/12/2011 15:57

Sprinkles - you sound like me in reverse .
My mil actually ok (a world of bonkers in other ways ) when i had mc and also
Lost baby at 21 weeks. My mum sounds just like your mil (it was either nothing or non stop "helpful" stories). The thing is I know how quickly being upset / numb nearly moved into major incident with my mum hence my advice to stay away.

And I always felt I could cope at home with dh but found wasn't that resilient when in real world.

Again massive sympathy (and fwiw 35 weeks now with dd2 which I never though would say).

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 15:59

Sorry posting on phone so can't check prev posts as I type. As to what I want from her? Things i know she can't offer. Low key interest and concern. A call or text to say hope you're ok, let me know what to do, if anything. Maybe she finds it all taboo. And I'm sure she did not expect us to take up her offer. Actually is would be unreasonable for me to have expected her tow handle this any other way. I just want a plan in place so I can deal with her without getting emotional, which is a possibility at the moment!

OP posts:

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 22/12/2011 16:00

I am so sorry about what has happened. BUT you are complaining about something that hasn't even happened yet. That may not! You said you didn't want her help so she kept out of your way to let you get on with dealing with it how ever you wanted to.

If she does do all those things then just be polite and keep saying 'I'm fine thank you, it's ok I don't want to talk about it' 'No I really don't want to talk about it' Like It'sMe said, broken record.

Gigondas · 22/12/2011 16:01

If you do go, keep out of her way , get dh to deflect and if does bring it up do broken record thing others suggest.

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 16:03

Thanks, that's why staying away seems a good idea but hard on DH. I'm so sorry for your 2 losses, and buoyed up by your being 35 weeks. Do you have other DCs? I'm hopeful for next time, as we've managed to get one DC!

OP posts:

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 16:04

melted. She has form! I'm not stressing, just preparing myself. Broken record sounds the way to go.

OP posts:

Gigondas · 22/12/2011 16:05

Yep 2 mc and lost my son at 21 weeks then dd then loads of ttc and mc before dd2 (now). Sorry didn't mean to be too
Personal but i know nice stories helped me when I was mmc.

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 22/12/2011 16:11

Maybe she does have form but it is no reason to go down to her level. Keep your dignity. I hope it goes well and she keeps out of your way.

Catslikehats · 22/12/2011 16:15

I can only assume here that there is a massive back story, otherwise you are being terribly unfair.

Your DH asks his mother to back off and then you complain you haven't heard from her

The rest of your thread seems to be a pre emptive rant about her expressing sympathy when you have just complained that thus far she hasn't

I am sorry for your loss. I guess you just don't like your mil and it sounds like she can't win.

Dozer · 22/12/2011 16:20

Agree with Queen of denial. Must be more too this.

Sorry, but you're not being reasonable on this one. v sorry about the mc. Have been there. People understandably don't know how to respond and often get it wrong. Found that it was some of the people closest to me that didn't respond how I wanted (maybe I had higher expectations of them or something) - my in-laws were actually quite good, which was a surprise.

mamasin · 22/12/2011 16:34

So sorry to hear your news. My mum (who is lovely) would always tell me miscarriages-i-have-known or totally-unexpected-stillbirths when I was near delivery. I think she just developed foot in mouth!. I'm really sorry for you and your family, just be how you really are, say to your mum in law that you don't want to talk about it or let her make you constant cups of tea or whatever. I don't think that there isn't a woman in the world who wouldn't feel for you. hope xmas is bearable for you.

pictish · 22/12/2011 16:40

I echo what thequeenof denial said.

I am so sorry for your loss OP, but I think you are being harsh regarding mil.

deste · 22/12/2011 17:39

She is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. All it takes is your DH to tell her before you get there that you would rather not talk about it but I can picture a thread after Christmas saying that she never mentioned it. I also have had a miscarriage so know what you are going through, it's awful.

Robotindisguise · 22/12/2011 18:23

Did she send her love / best wishes via your DH? If so, I think you're being a little bit unreasonable. Backing it up with text isn't necessary, and certainly not something that generation does...

Bogeyface · 22/12/2011 19:02

I am sorry about your Mc :(

But I do wonder, if you know what she is like, why you told her about the pg if it wasnt a generally known thing?

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 22/12/2011 22:13

queen, yes there is back story, which I could go into, but suffice to say there is a long history of inappropriate words and actions.

deste, the "damned either way" scenario has crossed my mind too, and I realise that I may be neither being reasonable nor fair. I know in my head that I cannot control how people react, or expect them to behave in a way I consider appropriate (because their idea of normal behaviour is different to mine, and who is to day what is right?).

robot I'm not sure if she sent wishes via DH, he didn't mention it, but she could have done and not passed them on. I should have asked, but it seems petty to do so now.

bogey we told her, like we told my parents and my and DHs siblings. We only told people who we normally feel able to tell private stuff to, people with whom we thought we were able to confide in and would be comfortable having hard conversations with. People who we thought would be supportive. Oh and she it totally able to text, does so with some regularity.

All these are totally fair points that posters have made. Some of which had already occurred to me. I guess what I failed to say in my original post was "please tell me how to handle this". I just read it back and it is clearly just a rant with no particular point to make! But you have given me some answers and some things to reflect on.

OP posts:

MajorBaubles · 22/12/2011 23:05

So sorry you are going through this.

Looking at the "how do I handle this?" question, you say they'll be other family there over the Xmas period as well as you MIL, is there any family members (other than your DH of course) who could help support you/steer the conversation if things get difficult?

It seems to me that you feel like you can handle your emotions at the moment, but you're worried that an inappropriate comment/overt display of grief or sympathy could rock you emotionally and you don't want to break down in front of the family at Christmas - is that what you're getting at?

Merrin · 23/12/2011 09:40

Good plan. I would cry off Christmas Day (over done it the night before perhaps?) and just do Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. There is a limit to what I could handle.

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