I have mental issues with sex...I don't think I am normal but don't know what to do?

[confusedcom]

I've namechanged for this as I don't talk about sex, so this doesn't come naturally to me. I hope someone will talk anyway.

I am married to a really lovely man who I love deeply, we have one child (16 months) and another due at the end of April. I just seem to have real mental issues with sex at the moment and I don't know why.

It seems that in the early days of a relationship (any, not just this one) I love sex, am happy, confident and uninhibited etc...but once it gets serious, love is declared, we move in together or whatever I suddenly switch off. In my head it feels wrong, disgusting, like we shouldn't be doing it. Sometimes I feel repulsed, like I can't look at or kiss the other person, I just want it over with. Whilst it is happening I feel like I need to escape, but as soon as it is done I am totally in love again.

The other night DH and I got it on (not a regular occurence at the moment due to pregnancy, a non-sleeping child etc) and I couldn't bare to kiss him while it was going on, but if I turned my face away I could feel his breath in my ear and that made me feel awful too.

Now, I know that this isn't an issue with my relationship because I both love, and am in love with my husband. I genuinely feel very lucky to be with him, think he is great to look at etc, and this has been a problem before so I know it lies with me, not our relationship which is a relief in many respects. But now I don't know what to do. Obviously, I am in my relationship for the long haul, so I do kind of need to address this, as it isn't fair on me, and isn't fair on DH. I am good at covering up how I feel (as I am a prude when it comes to talking about sex) but I am afraid one day he will feel rejected. We don't have a hugely regular sex life, which really isn't an issue for either of us at the moment.

I just don't know where these feelings have come from, surely having sex with the person you love is right and normal, so why has it always felt so wrong?

Can you remember the first time you ever felt like that? Were your early sexual experiences positive or not? I think Hypnotherapy might be useful in helping you to figure out what's going on and to help you get past this.

I think a counsellor could help you, is that something you would consider/could afford?

I dont want to get all amatuer psychologist on you but im wondering what your parents relationship was like? where has the attitude that sex within a commited relationship is wrong come from?

My mum was a bit weird about sex, it was as though 'sex' was something only sinful and depraved people did outside wedlock, whilst respectable people didn't have sex and weren't interested in all that muck and stayed together out of duty and because they had children.

My dad literally left the room anytime it was mentioned.

My parents are a laugh a minute btw!

What were your parents like? Do you have any sense from your parents that enjoying sex is a normal happy part of a marriage?

Note I have gone amateur psychologist, shamefully so!

Hmm. Do you have any experience of abuse within a family environment.
I know someone for whom an experience of abuse with a family member made her turn off sex within a close relationship but very happy with one night stands. Because having sex with someone who felt like family had been tainted from this early experience. Does that make sense at all.

I don't know.

My early experiences were ok, my first turned out to be an arse (not quite as committed as promised and told various details to his mates, charmer) but subsequent were ok. First serious boyfriend cheated on me and wasn't that nice in the end, and after that I did have an oddly disconnected realtionship with sex. I think I used it to feel better about myself, i didn't value it at all. In fact, I was probably a bit promiscuous for a few years, and very needy emotionally. All of which makes me cringe now, and no-one who knows me would believe it.

I then had a long-term boyfriend (who was abroad most of the time) who had an odd idea of sex too I think. I was his first, and he thought I was out of his league haha. Issue being that he had watched a lot of porn, I think, so had this idealised vision of what women should look like, what sex would be like etc. He was always telling me off for being boring, or over weight (I was only a 12), or telling me we had to use various 'toys' etc cause that's what rea women liked, I didn't make the right noises etc. Emotionally he was quite abusive I think. I felt responsible for him though, in a way, and it took a long time to find the guts to finish with him. But I did, and it was great...a few months of light hearted flings followed before I got together with DH (we had known each other through friends for a while) and the rest is history as they say!

I guess looking at that written down it doesn't look great, does it.

As for my parents, I don't really know what their relationship is like. Most of the time I don't think they like each other very much any more, but my mum was ill 10 yrs ago and is now disabled and I don't think they would ever leave each other. My dad can be abrasive, cruel and rude despite loving us all very much, I have had other threads on here under my usual name. I think there is still affection/respect there between them, but I don't know.

Hi, looking at all that written down doesn't read great, no. I'm sorry you're sad about this. Sex is so hard to talk about, it's always just supposed to be fine.

I guess the only one who can work out how you feel, deep down, is you. I think a counsellor would probably be able to help you work it out.

Sorry, just marking my place- will be back...

It's possible that your earlier sexual experiences meant that you learned to link eroticism with a lack of safety.

Your previous relationships seem to have been characterised by fear and some of the worst ones were realised - the lover who 'blabbed', the one who cheated and the one who emotionally abused you. The flings in between might have represented your attempt to disassociate feelings from sex so that if the worst happened, it couldn't hurt you.

It's also possible that having an emotionally unavailable father has caused some problematical connections. Children who are constantly trying to get the love they need from a distant or angry parent can find it very confusing as adults when that love is given freely by their partners. At some level they resist it, because it doesn't fit their early template of 'love'.

Not everyone connects sex with love however and for people who don't and are in relationships, sex is purely about enjoyment of the erotic experience. If there is love in the relationship, this is demonstrated in other ways. Problems will only occur if the partners have mis-matched expectations and associations. Often people who feel this way prefer non-monagamous relationships and therefore avoid disappointing partners who expect love to be part of sex.

If you love your husband and worry about hurting him, have you tried talking to him about it? It's likely that he has noticed this disassociation and is concerned and possibly insecure about your feelings for him. Are you able to discuss sex with him?

I think you'd find it helpful to see a psychosexual therapist on your own and possibly with your husband later.

Relate have psychosexual specialist counsellors so do yourself a favour and get yourself an appointment.

I know it's hard, but you need to talk to your DH about what's going on as distance sexually could easily damage your relationship if he doesn't know what's behind it. Get it out in the open now then he'll be able to help you as you work your stuff out.

You are aware that your feelings are irrational which is great. I would take others advice and go see someone about this. Have you even slightly told your H how you feel? Does he have any clue? Perhaps he could give you some reassurance.