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Original poster

Seems so trivial to have upset me this much..

21 replies

LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 10:45

Have namechanged for this post as my DP knows my usual nickname.

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed, so appologise
If its long.

I am 30 weeks pregnant with our first child and have been with my partner for 4 years, we've never had previous problems when it comes to having sex. Before
I was pregnant we would have sex 2 or 3 times a week.

Since I've been pregnant I've been uncomfortable when having sex, I can't relax and I feel good about myself so I just don't enjoy it. We now have sex about once every 2 weeks. DP has always been fine with me before if I didn't want to have sex or have had to stop because Im so worked up from being uncomfortable.

On Tuesday night he kept trying to instigate sex, running his hands all over me and touching my breast and bum ect, I told him I didn't feel comfortable with full sex but would quite like to have foreplay with one another, obviously understanding if he didn't want to, which he didn't.

But he then led there and asked if I minded if he maturbated. I don't mind him watching porn masturbating but I didn't want him led next to me doing it, especially as I was a bit upset because I felt id let him down by not wanting intercourse. He proceeded to masturbate untill he came anyway.

It seems so trivial now I've written it down, but it's really pushed me backwards and I've gone into myself since it happened. I've just been really subdued and sad, I just feel a bit lost and dont know if it's just pregnancy hormones or what I could do or say to feel comfortable around him again.

Thank you for reading this if you've got this far :(

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/12/2011 10:54

So when he asked you did you say yes it would bother me and he did it anyway? If so what was the point of him asking? Hmm

Sometimes trivial things are just a tipping point or a way for us to come out with other things which are bothering us. Do you think you might be able to talk to him?

duvetdayplease · 22/12/2011 10:55

Hi, I'm really sorry you're feeling sad. It is hard during pregnancy as everything is different.

I don't think it's trivial really, I wouldn't like it if I asked someone not to do something and they ignored me.

I guess you need to have a proper chat with him - he might feel 'oh no I'll never be able to come with my wife in same room ever again'!

Lovingfreedom · 22/12/2011 10:58

I don't understand why he turned down the offer of foreplay but proceeded to masturbate. In that situation I would have taken up the offer and hoped it led onto hand job or whatever or would at least involve you and perhaps help him along a bit? Also, if he asked you if it was ok and you said 'no' seems disrespectful to just go ahead. If he was going to do it anyway, why ask? Sounds like he was being huffy and childish - right if you're not going to have sex with me then I'm going to do it to myself right in front of you...so there.

Malificence · 22/12/2011 11:03

It was disrespectful for him to carry on regardless of your feelings, but, why are you bothered about him masturbating next to you?

Was it a bit of miscommunication? after all you could have helped him along, or when you say "foreplay" , do you just mean kissing/cuddling?

Do you feel as if he simply wanted an orgasm and wasn't interested in what you wanted? I can understand your resentment if you do and you think he was proving some point by carrying on alone.

Original poster
LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 11:14

Thank you for your quick replies Smile

I don't mind him masturbating in front of me in the alightest I just didn't really want him to do it straight away while I was still feeling a bit teary after saying no to him wanting to have sex.

When I suggested we could just foreplay I meant oral sex, kissing, cuddling and touching so pretty much the same as what he did himself but more pleasurable for him and it would of helped me feel close to him.

I think it was a case of he just wanted an orgasm and perhaps the easiest or quickest way was to do it himself. He did say it was 'one that won't go down by itself' Confused

I really don't want this hanging over us at Christmas so will try and talk to him tonight and just explain that I felt a lack of respect from him continuing to do it anyway after I'd said no and he'd refused my offer of foreplay.

OP posts:
LittleTronkey · 22/12/2011 11:15

Did you tell him it bothered you?

Original poster
LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 11:46

Yes, he said 'do you mind if I have a wank if we're not going to have sex, it's one that won't go down on its own' and I replied 'Yes i do mind you doing it next to me while I'm a little upset so please don't' and then added 'I don't mind if you go to the bathroom or downstairs''

OP posts:
FatGoose · 22/12/2011 14:53

i hate it if someone said no you arent having sex but i will turn you on with foreplay and then leave you unsatisfied and frustrated

whats the point in that?

its up to him if he masterbates surely, you cant deny the poor sod that as well. If I was turned on and wanted to masterbate, i bloody well would and sod anyone who tried to stop me

i think you are being incredibly selfish and silly. fair enough you dont want to shag but to deny someone pleasuring themselves when it really doesnt affect you, thats out of order

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 22/12/2011 16:08

He should have taken it elsewhere, or should not have asked! you are hormonal and easily upset by the sounds of it but he is your DP, just say it straight to him 'You know it really upset me that you wanked in front of me after I had asked you to go elsewhere with it'

I have to admit though that I would be more frustrated by having oral sex than if I just quickly sorted myself out.

Original poster
LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 17:01

I don't have a problem with him masturbating in front of me, he has before if I haven't felt up to having sex and I've also done the same in front of him.

I also would of made sure he finished not just started foreplay and then left half way through.
I was upset about the fact he asked if I minded, I said yes I do mind and he did it anyway. I wouldn't of been upset if he hadn't asked then gone against it.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 22/12/2011 17:09

It sounds like miscommunication to me, and that you are possibly a bit hormonal. I dont quite understand the scenario, why you were crying and upset. He wanted to have sex with you, you refused. He tried to cuddle you, you refused that too. You ask for foreplay, well, in his mind, he did not want that because he was already pretty much bursting, and you seemed to be giving the impression of bending over backwards, but not really. And you did not want sex. So I am not quite sure why you were upset. And I dont understand why you could not let him help himself next to you. And I dont understand why you could not just take matters into your own hands as it were, and make him come, and just say, "you do me after". etc

Original poster
LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 17:27

I'm sorry if I've caused any confusion.

I felt a but upset after I'd refused to have sex with him after he initially instigated it, just because I always feel I've let him down a little by saying no.
After this is when I offered him foreplay ect at this time cause quite often in the past if I've been on my period/ had a UTI he will ask for a blow job which I enjoy doing. He refused the foreplay - which is his choice and fair enough.

He then asked if he could have a wank and I didn't want him to,
Id like to point out here that I appreciate those of you who have commented to say he's entitled to masturbate when he wants, And I thank you for posting and agree with you. But I am also entitled to ask him not to do it in front of me.

He then proceeded to have a wank after asking and me saying no.

I hope that clears anything up.

I'm not angry with the fact he just wanted to do it himself rather than me do it, I'm not angry he had the wank.
I'm just a bit upset (and confused) to why he bothered asking if he was going to disrespect my answer anyway.

Its mainly how to address the fact I feel disrespected by the fact he asked then went against it that I would like some advice with.

OP posts:
QueenCess · 22/12/2011 18:00

And the reason you couldn't leave the room was......?

Xmasbaby11 · 22/12/2011 18:06

He sounds so insensitive and with a very teenage attitude to sex! You were within your rights to say no and he should have respected that. And you shouldn't feel bad for saying no to sex, whatever the reason. Try to talk to him when you are both calm and put your point across so it doesn't happen again.

Original poster
LonelyNights · 22/12/2011 18:20

thats exactly the same as me saying

'And the reason he couldn't leave the room?' no?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/12/2011 18:36

whether it was or wasn't disrespectful (imo it was), you are very hurt by what he did. That in itself is legitimate imo. If he wanted to have a wank he could have gone somewhere else. A wank is a selfish act and he insisted on having a wank with you there when you had said you didn't want him to. He may have been bursting and it may be a challenge to control it, but not impossible. imo he disrespected you and your wishes and in your position I would have been hurt/angry at his obvious disregard too.

KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 18:40

He should've left the room, not the op!

QueenCess · 22/12/2011 18:44

In terms of asserting herself of course when ignored!

Heleninahandcart · 22/12/2011 19:21

It was insensitive and possibly disrespectful of him IMO. He asked, you said no and he did it anyway. His description of one that wouldn't go down by itself is also a little off, kind of implies that you are somehow responsible for releasing him sexually. Then he refuses your offer of foreplay in favour of sorting himself out but insists on doing it next to you Hmm.

OTOH he could just have stupid and unthinking. Best talk to him as you plan.

AnyFuckerForBreastorLeg · 22/12/2011 19:25

Why do you feel you "let him down" when you don't have sex with him ?

NinkyNonker · 22/12/2011 19:52

If this was AIBU I would say yanbu. He sounds insensitive and disrespectful to me, and I would feel just like you do.

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