If a partner male or female is capable of having sex behind your back then they can and will lie easily to cover it up. End of.
Very few threads on here ever read ......"I did suspect OH is shagging around because I found a used condom in our car and a ladies thong but its OK because he admits he has been shagging Sally from the office for 4 months now every Tuesday after work. Yes this hurts me like hell but now I know whats what I can decide what I want for our future."
Its more likely to read........ "I have found a ladies thong and a used condom in our car. After, much thought on how to confront DH and taking advice in Mumsnet I decided to ask him to bloodywell explain himself. DH says the used condom must have been chucked through the window as he stopped at the MacDonalds drive through (the one at the rough end of town) late the other night. As for the ladies thong, they were planted there by his arsehole of a mate Jon who as my DH says I know is always playing silly jokes"
OK - so I have taken the piss there but the point I am trying to make is, in some cases no matter HOW strong the evidence, a cheater will pretty much always bullshit their way out of any situation. If 100% bullshit does not work then they will limit the truth to whatever they think they can get away with.
Few people would up and leave a relationship of several years, uproot their kids on a pure hunch. I know I would not up and leave my partner just because of a few iffey texts that were a bit over the mark imo but certainly not damning or because he had visited a dating website.
However, if these things happen followed by other stuff and discussion does not give you proper answers and you are still suspicious YES there are obviously issues in the relationship and YES in theory, on paper that maybe is the time to move out, uproot your kids etc etc but in reality for MOST of us we want solid confirmation as to what is what before coming to that massive decision.
And even if you decide at the point of strong suspicion to leave then the inquisitive side of ost of us wants to know who the OW/OM is and how long it had been going on for etc etc.
In my case I thought my H had been having an affair. He eventually admitted to it when confronted with my initial discovery. Obvbiously gutted I wanted more info, who how long etc. My H told me everything but would not tell me her name. He told me how he had met her, gone to her house etc etc.
The horrible hazy days that followed things kept coming into my head like OMG he must have been with her then etc etc.
I then looked harder for the bits between the lines H had not told me. I wanted her name. I dont know why but I did.
I went snooping deeper and deeper. Over the following weeks when we were supposedly trying to make it better and a go of things I (rightly or wrongly) decided if he could cheat then I had the right to snoop.
What I discoverd was truely shocking. No wonder he didnt want to give me her name. She didnt exist. He was not having an affair but shagging anything with a pulse. He was using internet webites that helped arrange shagging strangers without the need for polite conversation or drinks in pubs. You just purely meet and do the act then fuck off. Years. Yes YEARS!! He had been doing this for years.
This knowledge helped me make the decision to not bother working on the relationship and move on.
It was an utter shit stage of my life that really was quite traumatic. The discovery of his affair was one thing the extent of his cheating and the sordidness of it was earth shattering along with his lack of respect for my sexual health.
Knowledge is power. I am all for snooping if you have the suspicion. How many more years may I have wasted working through his "affair" if I had not made my discovery. How long before he I caught a sexual disease from him, if we had resumed the sex side with me thinking his affair was over.
My tale may be extreme, but its not unusual at all for cheaters to bullshit. Lets face it, if I was shagging the postman and my H was questioning me for details it would be plain cringey to sit there and go yeah been shagging him 20 times a week and doing oral etc etc. I would be more likely to say once or twice a week and not divulge any details.
Do many people really end relationships on a hunch? Am I totally abnormal?