Early days of split. Does it get easier? how do you cope with the loneliness?

[BeattieBow]

that's it really. The thing I'm finding most difficult about being apart from exh (apart from coming to terms with the fact he doesn't love me) is the loneliness. I sit in every night (am pg, looking after my other children), and just don't have anyone to talk to.

Now I'm home with the children and I want someone to talk to. That's partly why I enjoy work!

will it get easier? it doesn't help that it's christmas and I'm surrounded by happy couples.

Being PG and it being Xmas magnifies everything else so much. I think you have to accept it's going to be a tough few days, but it's probably it's the toughest it will be.

It's hard being on your own at Xmas at the best of times, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

Do you have any family close by??

XXXX

Sorry I can't be more help.

Phone. Skype. E-mail. facebook.

There are a lot more people out there who love and care for you than you probably realise. Reach out to even those you only think of as acquaintances: good people are always glad to be able to help a person they know who is going through a tough patch.

And yes, it does get easier. But it is bloody hard at first. It's totally OK for you to feel what you are feeling - whether it's overwhelmed, or sad, or needy, or angry, or grief.

You will get through this.

Sending love and hugs to you beattiebow. Concentrate on those that do love you - your lovely children. In my experience both with a long ago heartbreak and other lost loved ones, is that the run up to the day is worse than the actual day itself. I remember ten years ago sitting crying in my car at the station on Christmas eve and not wanting to go home. Actually, I woke on Christmas day only to remember how awful the last couple of Christmas's we'd been together were and I went to bed thinking what a nice day it had been.

Take care as life will get better for you and good luck for the birth - when is your baby due?

In addition to itsme's advice - there is always mumsnet too! xx

Since xh left me I've rediscovered old friends on fb (xh hated fb) and made new friends on MN who've become rl friends too.

I won't lie, it isn't easy but it does get easier.
I do spend lots of evenings on MN/fb etc and have a bigger phone bill too.
I seem to have much more time to keep up with my friends than I used to,I don't spend all my time thinking about xh now.

I wasn't looking forward to xmas either but have planned lots of fun visits with friends so that DD doesn't feel left out.

I've always spent alot of time by myself so am usually ok but do get very lonely at times, I just pick up the phone and keep ringing till I find a friend with time to chat.

You are strong and you will get through this, we're all here with you.

It will get better. Huge hugs.

Just remember, being alone, doesn't necessarily mean you have to be lonely.

You've got alot to adjust to at the moment. Give your self time to grieve and come to terms with what has happened. Even though it is hard, try and enjoy whatever good bits come your way - so time with the children, the sunshine, a long relaxing bath, pretty Christmas lights - that kind of stuff.

And, it really, really will get better (I think I may have said that before ).

oh, yes! it does get easier. But there are a lot of ups and downs along the way.

Keep those things that make you happy and well around you and make sure you have regular contact with loving friends.

Ride the low times by remembering all the wonderful people and children you have around you.

it really does get easier.

It certainly does get better but you don't see that at the time. When my exDH left my daughter was 3yr and my son was 3mth - I remember crying on her bed as she slept thinking who will put the rubbish out! I found it was the simplest of things that felt the hardest to get through. The nights i paced the bedroom with a newborn, cursing him.

Fast forward 10yrs......my DH(new one) thinks I'm far too independent and knows only to well I can stand on my own two feet - I think he finds this unnerving but for me (and for you) it's an example of how we get through it 'stay calm and carry on'.

It does take time, I won't lie to you but you WILL make it and be very proud of yourself on the way.

yes, exactly Edge!

I wouldn't wish the feelings as it is all happening on my worst enemy however I learned so much about what I am actually capable of doing for myself and those valuble lessons have stayed with me ever since.

Oh thanks everyone. I an going to spend Christmas with family, but I'm dreading it because they are all coupled up (with children) and I will be the only one on my own. My family aren't being particularly supportive - one sister hasn't phoned me at all since I broke up with dh.

I have made a resolution to myself that after Christmas I am going to make an effort with friends - unfortunately I don't have any local friends as I only moved here recently, but I'm going to be very sociable after Christmas. It has been tough so far because of hyperemesis.

I am lucky I am with my children. i'm dreading next year already when (if I'm being fair, and I haven't decided that I am being yet), it'll be ex's turn to have them.

Thanks for getting back to me everyone. i'm glad it gets better - you're right Christmas is the worst time of year.

My now ex left me 6-7 weeks ago but I only have one child and that is hard enough so you can have some of the many hugs I have been getting

I have been surprised by just how fantastic close friends have been and also those that I know through others to talk to but not really friends with ..if you get what I mean. I'd say talk to people and you will find more support that you thought.

I can't really offer you much in words of wisdom as I am all the over the place but I have been assured it does get better. I am sorry your family aren't being supportive of you. Hopefully next year will be better for both of us.

If you live in Sussex pm me and we can whinge about loneliness together

Your poor love, being pregnant and this happening to you. I feel agrieved and despairing and my little one was 7 months when the shit hit the fan and DH and I separated. It has been five months now and it has got a bit better and then a lot worse, due to the fact that we are horrible to each other but I still love him and am struggling to let it go.

Everyone says time is a healer and I just have to have faith that they know what they are talking about. If you are spiritual 'this too shall pass' is a nice mantra when things are very bad..

I have cried a river and then some. Now I have the occasional good day when all were very bad and I am hoping that these good days will become more and more frequent until a bad day is a rarity. Unfortunately you are having a harder time than most as you are pregnant and still have the birth and then a newborn to cope with. Do you have a birthing partner? You won't be alone will you? It is such a difficult time and just the fact that you are managing to continue and be there for your children means that you are a wonderful mother and that you are very capable.

There is no magic answer but be kind to yourself and do anything that makes you feel better. And avoid anything that makes you feel worse. I have had to switch the radio off for the last two weeks as the Christmas songs and tales of happy families looking forward to Christmas make me want to jump off a bridge. Christmas is great when things are great but it is effing awful when your life is less than good. Try and think off it as a marketing mans dream and that actually Christmas is just one day and should be about religion and peace and then it's over. Just one day.

My stbx left nearly 6 months ago. Like everyone says, it does get easier however much you might not believe it now. I cant believe that this week I caught myself singing along to the radio and I used to switch it off like Daisystone just mentioned.

My best piece of advice would be to get some counselling. It really does work and gives so much more than the most helpful and well meaning friend or relative can provide.

Think of your recovery from this as a game of snakes and ladders. Occasionally you will meet a ruddy great snake but there will be ladders, tiny ones and bigger ones and you know that eventually you will get to the end of the board and recovery.

Take care and be good and kind to yourself and the rest will eventually follow. Good luck.

happylander I left Sussex behind a few months ago - I am thinking of moving back though to be close to friends.

no I don't have a birthing partner. I don't know anyone here enough, and I feel really let down by my family. I will just do it alone, but I do really worry about how I will cope even in labour, let alone with a newborn. I think I am probably ripe for pnd too (feel pretty low at the moment tbh). it's v tough. but as you say like snakes and ladders. i felt much better a couple of weeks ago, and now its all come crashing down round me a bit. And hopefully I'll feel better after Christmas.

I haven't really told people here that I'm a single parent. I'm quite embarrassed to be pregnant and telling them that all at the same time. I've just let them assume I have a H. oh its a bit of a mess really.

daisy me an exH seem to be incapable of being nice to each other. It is so horrible. I think I just have to cut all contact really in order to give myself a chance to recover. daisy, dustland and happylander and childofisis so sorry you're going through this too at the moment. it's pretty rubbish isn't it? thanks for everyone else though it is good to know what I'm feeling is normal - the variation in feelings even throughout one day is pretty overwhelming at times.

Beattie, a counsellor will help you to explore and understand the seemingly poor response by your family to the situation you find yourself it. I pay for my counselling but ask your GP about free counselling if you need to. You should be a priority to get some support.

I think you're right dustland - how do I go about finding a good one? I did have a look online recently, but my only experience of counselling so far has been rubbish and I don't want to waste my time/energy if it isn't going to be helpful

Don't be embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. he is the one that lacks moral fibre not you. Tell people, please do tell people. You will be amazed at how supportive people will be. Can you get one of your friends to come down and stay with you around the time of the birth?

I can't be nice to my ex either but then he is a lying, cheating **face....now that made me feel better LOL.

Shame you left Sussex are you far away from here?

Hi Beattie, just in case you check in today I want to wish you a Happy Christmas and like all the other's have said you're not alone although you may feel like you are [hugs].

I haven't posted on other threads for a while but I woke up this morning and had to connect with MN. Been through what you're going through myself, am 9 months down the road and life is so much better than i ever thought it could be. I just had to respond to your thread because I so know what it's like. The first Christmas alone is tough, I was shocked when I woke up and cried even though I don't love xh any more and have wonderful NM and fab DC's and friends.

I would say if you get out there and keep any friendships you already have alive, make new friends when you're ready to and focus on what's good the time will pass by very quickly and you'll dwell on the losses less and less. I was the worlds best 'glass half empty' thinker this time last year but I'm not any more. It's taken hard work and a lot of reflection on my part but i promise you it will get better, if you can accept that it'll be the small and ordinary things which help you feel less lonely. There's nothing more lonely than being in a marriage where one partner has already left, emotionally - take it from me.

So enjoy your DC's excitement today, look after the one who doesn't yet know the fab DM you are and I'll raise a glass of to you when the sun has gone over the yard arm!!!!

love Wisey x

Beattie, Wishing you love and hugs today. Lonely is fine for the moment. you don't have to be more suceptible to PND. New life for baby may mean new life for you too. Any where near somerset ?I have a good ear and time to sparexxxx

thanks for thinking of me. i found Christmas so hard, and was in tears most evenings (on my own away from family), but it's over now and I am feeling stronger.

children have been with H for a few days now and I've benefitted from some time to re-group, although have missed them desperately. They're back this afternoon though.

I think the only way is up for 2012! (hopefully).