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Relationships

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Original poster

If your sibling is divorced, is their ex still auntie/uncle to your kids?

23 replies

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 08:34

That's it really. I guess it will depend on circumstances of split and pre divorce relationship, but I am wondering how this plays out in other families. My db has been split for the last 3 years, and our respective children are each others only cousins and ex their only aunt. Db does not want ex to continue to have any relationship with my children (or with me for that matter). Is this normal/reasonable? They had been together for 20 years and now both have new partners. Split not due to affair but long term breakdown of relationship, both had been unhappy for years.

OP posts:

Santasjollys · 22/12/2011 08:38

No she's not, she's awful and having nothing to do with our children.
I think it depends on everyone's relationship to each other.

Pagwatch · 22/12/2011 08:39

One is. The other two I never see.

elesbells · 22/12/2011 08:40

Yes she is still your dc's aunt. I think it's up to you whether you continue to have a relationship with your ex sil..anyone telling you not to is unreasonable imo.

I still have a great relationship with my brothers ex wife...even though he has been remarried for some time...she is still an aunty to my children and always will be..

stressheaderic · 22/12/2011 08:42

I get on better with ex-sister in law than still-brother in law, in fact she's my best friend. Our girls will always be cousins and she will always be their auntie, she hasn't stopped being so just because BIL ran off with some floozy last year.

BeattieBow · 22/12/2011 08:46

I can't imagine my ex keeping in contact with my sisters' children. He hasn't even mentioned them since we split. I wouldn't see them while he was there, and I don't think he'd do it on his own. I would feel a bit put out I think if he did contact them on his own - but it is early days in our relationship breakdown.

he's rubbish with relationships, so doesn't really have any contact with his brothers children anyway, so i won't be keeping in contact with them (they're awful too).

Aftereightsaremine · 22/12/2011 08:47

My uncle has been divorced from his first wife for about 15 years she is still my aunt & sil to my mum. His second wife however is another matter I don't call her aunt & nor do my children, tho she is perfectly pleasant. I think it depends on your relationship with the sil. fwiw my uncle never said we couldn't have anything to do with my aunt but my my mum would probably ignored him anyway.

Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 08:50

But stressed you bil isn't your sibling...
I kind of know my db is being unreasonable, but not sure how to handle it. At first he seemed happy for me to have an independent relationship with ex sil, but as time has gone by he has become more and more difficult about it (not that we were doing anything more than exchanging birthday presents really) and now I am starting to feel anxious even about the fact that I've sent ex sil a card with my children's photo in it. Guess I'm going to have to accept that he's making me choose between them.

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Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 08:54

Beattie, why would you be put out if you ex wanted to maintain a relationship with his nieces/nephews? And why don't you want to do the same for yours? I guess your relationship with his brothers kids is same as my ex-sil with mine- perhaps she does think my kids are awful, but he has gone out of her way to let me know that she thinks continuing relationship between the cousins is important.

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BellaVita · 22/12/2011 08:55

Funny you should start a thread on this....

My DB and SIL divorced about 4 years ago - have two DC's very similar in age to mine.

Although both have moved on we have only seen my niece and nephew when they have been at DB's.

I would have liked to have stayed in touch with SIL but to keep the peace with my mother (she thinks this is all SIL's doing re the divorce when actually my DB played a bigger part in it) I never contacted her.

Due to circumstances outwith DB's control (broken elbow) and lack of petrol money due to sick pay, I wanted my niece and nephew to have their xmas presents and seen as they liver nearer to me with their mum than DB does I asked him for her phone number and went over yesterday.

It was like we had seen each other the day before and 4 years had not gone by. We have promised to keep in touch and see each other regular now and it will mean my DC will have loads of contact with their cousins.

Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 08:56

She has gone out of her way... Sorry.
I think problem is that my db relationship with her continues to be difficult so this is a sensitive issue for him. I wish however that he was better at putting his dcs interests first.

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suzikettles · 22/12/2011 09:06

My mum has 3 brothers, two of whom have been married twice. She was adamant after the divorces that she would keep in touch with her sisters in law and has a good relationship with both of them, probably closer than with the two subsequent wives, although this is due to circumstances and distance.

One of my uncles was difficult about continuing to treat his ex wife as part of the family, but my gran also refused to "give up" any of her daughters-in-law as she saw them, and it's not like they were ever expected to be in the same room together (although invites for my wedding were a bit problematic).

From my point of view, my uncles' first wives are my aunts as they were the ones I saw as a child, the mothers of my cousins etc. The second wives are very nice and I get on well with them, but I don't think of them as "aunt" tbh.

I don't think I'd have as good a relationship as I do with my cousins if the family had cut out their mothers. But then it tended to be the ex-aunts that brought the children to visit us because my uncles, dear as they are to me, were a bit rubbish.

whatstheetiquette · 22/12/2011 09:09

Depends if they are nice or not tbh!

spottyscarf · 22/12/2011 09:12

Both my and DH's sisters are divorced. Never ever see my DSis's ex. We see SIL's ex occasionally if he is down to see the kids and DH often texts him/ is friends on facebook.

I can imagine though if the ex had custody of the kids you would be more inclined to keep in touch, for the sake of the DC seeing their cousins. My DDs adore their cousins.

spottyscarf · 22/12/2011 09:12

Both my and DH's sisters are divorced. Never ever see my DSis's ex. We see SIL's ex occasionally if he is down to see the kids and DH often texts him/ is friends on facebook.

I can imagine though if the ex had custody of the kids you would be more inclined to keep in touch, for the sake of the DC seeing their cousins. My DDs adore their cousins.

Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 09:18

Are they 'nice'? I am not sure about that, I am perfectly able to have a civil conversation with her, we have different values in some respects but not others. We'll never be close but I am quite happy to spend time with her occasionally for the sake of the cousins. My db only wants the cousins to spend time on 'his' time, which is a bit restrictive, plus I have a sense that he doesn't think their relationship is a priority so doesn't make an effort to facilitate it (hasn't brought his dc to see mine all year for eg, despite me offering repeated invites . We've been to see him, as he lives near our parents).

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BeattieBow · 22/12/2011 09:27

we haven't seen his brothers for years - they both live abroad, and have no relationship (together) with their children. It would seem odd if I suddenly contacted them to see the children really.

I would be put out if my ex contacted my sisters, because we are at that stage in our relationship breakdown that I would think he was up to something! i would also not want my sisters speaking to him as I would see it as disloyal. He has been such a bastard to me, that I feel they shouldn't speak to him. But as I say, we are at a very early stage.

anyway, as he doesnt' keep in touch with his own brothers, I doubt he will bother with my sisters. I hope that he feels slightly sad that he has lost his extended family, but it is difficult to tell with him. My sisters children are young and won't miss him too much I expect.

BeattieBow · 22/12/2011 09:29

I don't think I would stay in touch with my sisters' partners if they split up. Certainly one of them is a waste of space who can hardly be bothered with his own child. I wonder if it would be different if I had brothers and it was their wives who were leaving the family. Women tend to make more of an effort with nieces/nephews ime.

FrothingBeserker · 22/12/2011 09:31

dh was married before. his ex is (quite rightly, in a way) still seen as aunt to his siblings' children (she is also godmother to one of them, I believe).

what I find seriously odd is that dh's brothers regard his ex as 'more' of an aunt than I am, and they also (sadly) see dh's children (my stepchildren) as their nieces/nephews, whereas our children (dh's and mine) are not

there's nowt so queer as folk, I find.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 22/12/2011 09:34

My sister got divorced before my son was born, but my Uncle (mum's brother) and his ex wife got divorced when I was about 9 and I still think of the ex-w as my aunt and we still exchange presents and cards/ email etc. However, I am closer to his second wife, just because I saw more of her.

Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 09:42

Beattie, yes I can see that. I guess I think that me and ex sil, being the mothers, are motivated to maintain the cousin relationship for the sake of the dcs, whereas my db sees it as disloyal and thinks it means I am placing more importance on my relationship with his children than with him. I don't see it like that, but I do think there is an imperitive and urgency about ensuring the dcs see each other regularly, which isn't there for adults. It doesn't mean I think the sibling relationship is less important.

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Smum99 · 22/12/2011 09:47

I can see this from your db's point of view - if you had a breakup with an ex b/f and you felt your ex had behaved very badly towards you would you feel happy if your db went for a drink with him? My dh had this situation - initially he was very happy for friends and family to be in contact with his ex but over time she became very difficult with access to his son and their relationship deteriorated. An example - she would happily 'grant' access to his family to see the dc's but completely restricted his access. Could that be the situation here? Ideally your db would have regular access to his dc's so that you and your dc's see enough of their cousins.
I guess it depends on how well you know your db or if you value your relationship..if he is usually fair minded then there is likely to be a very strong driver to why he has asked this of you. Again in DH's case his ex was extremely pleasant to the family so they didn't believe she was capable of such lies and manipulation and he never spoke to family about why the marriage ended.Over time the truth has come out (she has had more affairs whilst subsequently remarried) so his family are now in no contact.
I don't think you can apply one rule here - your db might be going through a very tough time (and might not give the details as women tend to do) but he could have very valid reasons why he is asking for your support.

Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 10:32

Smum99, you may be right. I don't know what is going on between them. Ex sil is not being at all pushy with me, but I don't know what is happening with the access - I only know what I see, which may not be the whole story. I am frustrated as db appears to me to not be making much effort to get the cousins together - but perhaps he feels his time is limited and wants to spend it doing other things too. But then that would be easier if we were allowed to meet the cousins on ex sil time....

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Original poster

nearlytoolate · 22/12/2011 10:45

The other thing is that my db is actually very difficult to make arrangements with- won't communicate, hates to be pinned down- so tbh I am not surprised that he has difficulties with access arrangement-one of their problems in the relationship was difficulty communicating!! And this makes it very difficult for me to make arrangements with him. I offer invitations which he either a)ignores b) is flakey about or c) is downright rude about! It's almost like he feels any attempt to make a firm arrangement is an attempt to push him around...

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