i need some advice

[liveinazoo]

i have been with my dp for 9yrs.we ve never lived together but have 3 kids,youngest is 4.we both suffer depression and anxiety and when its good we are great but when we arent it goes a bit tits up.he avoids me when im not coping well and shuts me out when he isnt coping so i feel like im on my own a lot.im not well enough to work.he uses work as acoping mechanism and would rather work than spend xmas with us as when he was a child his parents tried to get along and xmas would be tense usually ending with a fight.last year he wasnt working and avoided us all over the festive period.he is working again now but broke up for the holidays when the kids did on friday.hes been staying with me for the past 2 days but going to bed by 8pm and on the rare occasions he does stay i have to ge up with the kids and he surfaces around 9-10 when he feels hes had a reasonable amount of kip.im feeling very low and stressed as the wewight of responsibility for xmas lays firmly with me.i dont drive and he hates shoping so have been trailing the kids around last minute shopping and buying oceans of wrapping paper for the onslaught of gifts he buys them as he thinks thats better than spending time with them.this year he has spent £1300 on them.i can barely move for boxes in my room and i have to wrap and sort them all.last year they had 45gifts each and it was utter chaos and they were opening til end boxing day with me frantically try to make sure nothing got thrown away with the wrapping paper.if he makes it to xmas he is impatient and will want to unwrap this and get that out and then moan bits are missing and he works hard for what they get(all this year is on a credit card).im dreading it.ds birthday was on sunday and he tried to take a nap while i assembled a playmobile pirate ship and contain them all.it was utter chaos then he left at lunchtime saying hed had enough.ds was upset.his older dd explain to him dads on one(shes 8)and its not his fault and that made me feel very angry and upset.he becomes very defensive if a try to talk to him about the impact on the children and the role of men and dads that he is setting.his answer is always find someone else.finally,and then i will shut up boring you,his mum is incredably controlling even though he is in his 40s.she knows everything he does and he texts her ev day when gets in from work so she knows hes back and hes ok.she hates me and i believe actively encourages him to stay away.he tells her everything and she is definately who he runs to when needs to talk.im tired feeling like im treading on eggshells all the time but dont know what to do.i have no family or real friends and am dreading being around him at the moment but am afraid being alone.anyone got some words of wisdom to share with me.sorry for waffling on so long

I'm sorry you're feeling upset and frustrated.

I find it odd that the two of you have been together so long and have 3 DC together but have never lived together. Is this because that's how he wants it to be?

Honestly, if he's going to be such a grump and emotional burden then I think you an the DCs should get on with making your own happy Xmas - if he can get his act together and join you in some of the merriment, great. But don't count on him, just get on with it. And be happy that he's done all the toy shopping!

And don't stress about wrapping pressies - in our house some of the presents are wrapped and under the tree, but then Father Christmas 'brings' his gifts and sets them up in appealing individual piles near the fireplace. The kids in our family love it because there is an instant rush and excitement and the adults love it because the little ones can play with those FC gifts in the early Xmas morning hours, giving them a sneaky little lie-in! Nothing better than being woken up by a shinty happy kid face saying 'Look! Look what Father Christmas brought me!'

Regardless of what you do, your DCs will be grateful that they've had your consistency and support, even when their dad is being a bit of a wanker.

thanks.it is his choise not to live with us.its always on his terms

This man is far from an ideal role model for any dc let alone his own, isn't he?

I suggest you tell him in no uncertain terms to shape out or ship out and that, if he doesn't get his act together, you will take him at his word and 'find someone else' with whom you can have a happy and fulfilling relationship because this knob and his mother are damaging your health and wellbeing.

Basically, he is buying them loads of present sto make up for his failings as a father isn't he? Personally, it seems to me that he has his cake and is eating it. I would not be happy with the arrangment you have; parenting is a 24 hour job and you don't get to pick and chose which bits you do and which bits you don't do.

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship? Other than walking on egg shells when he wants a lie, picking up the peices when he's had enough - I would also go so far as saying that your DD is learning her role as a female who enables men to shoulder men to have no responsbility with her handling of her DB and he is also learning his role as a male in all of this at the same time.

Personally, I would choose ten presents each from the things he has bought and send the rest back/put them aside for birthdays or regifting if that is not possible. I would also tell him to bugger off for Christmas as what is the point in playing happy families for one day if he can't walk the walk the other 364 days of the year. I really think you might alleviate some of your depressision if you did not have this leach sucking the life out of you.

Sorry, I know that is harsh but those are my first thoughts on the matter given what you've written.

Good luck x

He sounds selfish and controlling, and not only useless but positively damaging as a parent. No wonder you're you're depressed. You have a very large spoilt child to cope with as well as taking care of your real DCs on your own.
Focus on your children and if he doesn't like how things are, tough. Let him run off to Mummy.