How miserable....

[itsxmascryingagain]

I've been single for so long after a terrible heartbreak. A decade. In 2011, I decided I would change all that. As scary as it was, I put myself out there and have been on so many dates. Probably almost 20 but nothing. The latest one has been lurking with me for the last 6 months and I have just found out he is a dickhead, probably stringing me a long as well as other women too. Why did I believe that he wanted more. Why can't men just speak the truth rather than expecting me to understand the exact opposite of what they say I "want to go out with you. Why would I want anyone else when I've got you. I've never met anyone like you before". Why the fuck does this mean the opposite of what he actually meant. Such a shitty time of year to be feeling all this. I'm sorry for all of you that are having problems at this time of year. I'm sitting crying tonight and I haven't done this for so long. Big fat tears streaming down my cheeks, alone.

Oh darling, what a shit. Both him and the experience. How old are you and do you have dc? Tell us a little about yourself. We will cheer you up. Men like him, telling you such things, especially if it was early on, can be a bit of a bad sign. You're probably really lovely and have a good job/artistic/some wonderful talent...so these types like to get their kicks by reflecting in your glory then being horrible when they know they can't cut it.

Have a and a [hanky] and mop those tears.

It's a new day tomorrow - so new way of thinking.

I'm so sorry you're feeling crap but he wasn't worth it and you've had a lucky escape. You deserve heaps better and he's given you the opportunity to find it.

So put on the lippy, get out there, forget men for a while and do something for you. Gain a bit of confidence, self esteem and enjoy yourself.

at least console yourself with the fact that its only taken you six months to find out what a twat he is, it took me eight years to find out that my exH was a serial cheater, six years after marrying him, am just starting to pull myself together and not cry every day for the (i thought ) lovely life i had with him, and the adoration i had for him

Unlikely, old enough to know better. I was fifty just a few weeks ago. Two grown children with whom I have excellent relations as I do with almost everyone I have in my life. Just no man that is noteworthy. I feel terrible being this miserable. I've so much that is good and positive in my life but I'm lonely and it took so much to put myself back in the firing line and here I am, shot down in flames.

Mmm, well, I think it's amazing that you have gone out there looking frankly. You have more guts than me.

It's crap at this time of year when it's all christmassy everywhere and all the schmuck cooking-for-my-big-family-and-all-my-friends progs are on the telly.

If you have great friendships and great relationships with your children then you have achieved the main things in life. Having a man isn't the main achievement in life. Love yourself more. Have you ever been to India? I wish I had. I want to go to India and Peru much more than I want some chump using my bog roll and never changing it.

Actually, that may not help...

I know too that whether you're fify or fifteen, you still have to kiss a lot of wankers frogs before you find your purse car keys decent chap who can afford his own socks. [low expectations me!]

im 55 and was 46 when i met my creep, had a full time job, my own (rented ) house and a wide circle of friends and daft me i gave all of that up for him cos his kids were still quite young and i moved to accomodate him seeing them, how gullible was i eight years down the line found out he was still living with kids mom when he chased after me, hes cheated several times on me and cheated on her when they were together, and will probably cheat on whoever is beleiving his lies now, so pick yourself up hun, get a new haircut or a big box of chocolates anything to cheer yourself up and realise at the end of the day you are the better person, and i know exactly how you are feeling right now recently i havent even wanted to live hes devastated me that much

I've never been to India, Unlikely, or Peru! You made me giggle with you bog roll line. I don't define myself by my relationship status but I have been lonely. I feel I needed to try and find my mate.

Yes I get lonely. Everyone in the whole world gets lonely. Yes, even Michael Buble and Jamie Oliver. Lonely is part of being human. It's a useful part too.... Imagine if you had Mr Right constantly bringing you plates of scrambled eggs, organising things, buying flowers and fiddling endlessly with your bits? You might then CRAVE a lot of lonely time.

Buy some Baileys tomorrow and make a few slippery nipples [my favourite cocktail] then put on your best smile, stick a few pins in a baked potato for the ex and see if you can do a headstand.

Hello again, today is indeed a new day. Think I was just being maudlin and had too much red wine and pork pie - both of which made an unwelcome appearance in the early hours. I like to think that I have projectile vomited him out of my system.

I'm glad I name changed because six months ago at the beginning of all of this with him, I wrote to ask for some external insight and the overwhelming majority of the lovely ladies said walk away. He was persistent and I didn't listen to my internal warning mechanisms - or the lovely ladies! I kept him at arms length for so long and then this week, he stepped up his pursuit. I started to think that maybe I was being silly and a commitment phobe so I agreed to take things a step further.

I just can't get my head around the mentality of these blokes - what do they get out of pursuing someone for so long only to be disappointing and duplicitous. (Spelling?) Ah well, I have much to do for Christmas still - including replacing the huge pork pie that wasn't even for me!

Well done. Time does heal and you will have wobbly moments, but you're heading in the right direction.

We've all been there before. Mine said "You're the first I've had no feelings for" two minutes after an intimate encounter and after 18 months of me having no inclination he felt like that. He was 51, not 16, so I considered it an insult, but it still lives with me. Who on earth would think out loud like that, a tosser!

That's how you must continue to feel. You've had a lucky escape after only 6 months. It could have been a lot worse. You're special, you're worth having, tosser's a five a penny. Hang on in there, pamper yourself a bit, try and enjoy your christmas / new year and I do hope you will come to realise he just wasnt worth it

(Sending hugs)

Happyinherts, can't believe he actually said that. We must be twat magnets and I personally think they get worse the older they get.

I've had quite a bit of upset over this year of dating. I'm looking at this positively though because a year ago, I couldn't even have a chat with a bloke without wanting to run away and now my confidence is so much improved - despite the twats! There have been some really nice ones but no spark and there have been some sparks with the wrong ones. Oh, well, that's life I guess. I'm going to knock this on the head for a few months and concentrate on myself for a while. Hope you are pampering yourself too this Christmas!

My lovely friend, in her fifties, has just been left by her partner of four years: he inherited a chunk of money and promptly announced that he doesn't love her anymore and wants to go off and do his own thing. She is hurt beyond belief. What an uncaring, unscrupulous, callous, using tosser. I am so ggrrrrrr on her behalf.

I agree it seems many do get more twatty the older they get.

But her well done as I say, for getting out there - all this experience will be improving and re-tuning your twat radar. And no it doesn't mean you're a twat magnet; it's that you have spent so long alone you are just out of practise.

BIG Tip - do NOT tell any dates much about yourself. For ages. Keep schtum. Be minimal in what you give away. Let him do the talking. Say nothing about how long you have been on your own, nothing about your income, nothing about your ex partner. Nothing about your heartbreak. Watch and listen for what a date is actually saying about himself. 'I am not looking for anything long term' or 'My ex-wife fleeced me leaving me quite broke'.... listen and believe things like this. And don't fall for any sob stories!

hugs

I'm saving this thread, because I want to re-read UA's brilliant AND funny advice next time I'm feeling like the OP.

Unlikely, this is indeed good advice. I'm naturally quite a guarded person and more of a listener so I probably do approach my dates like this anyway - never told anyone about my ex as the hurt has long since gone - just say we split a while back but, you're quite right about one thing though - I am a bit of a sucker for a hard luck story. It goes against my nature to disbelieve what people tell me. Bit niaive and think that everyone has good integrity. That's my problem isn't?

I'm sorry for your friend, by the way. The man is indeed, a shit.

Well I suppose the thing is, nobody can demand that someone stays in a relationship with you just because you still want them to - as SGB would say, everyone has the right to finish a relationship, but good grief there are decent and humane ways of ending it. That's what gets me cross; in ending a relationship when you know the other person will be hurting, there is no need, in most instances, to be callous and cruel in doing so.

My exH didn't have to remain married if he didn't want to be married to me. I accepted that even though it hurt terribly. But there was no need to tell me to slice off some cellulite and choke on it and fuck off and die, and to take all our money, abandon our beautiful baby to go and have seedy sex and pay nothing towards raising his child whatsoever.

The words in stars btw, were his actual words. He could have been a little more gentlemanly!

Oh my goodness Unlikely, that is cruel beyond belief. (Puts my final spat with a timewaster into perspective!)

When I split with my longterm XP, he didn't say such awful things - he did awful things but didn't really verbalise insults toward me. (Apart from calling me a C*nt!)

I'm feeling a little self indulgent about my post last night. I rarely give in to tears at my stage of life and probably wouldn't have if I hadn't had too much wine! I've hardly given the bloke a thought today. Lucky escape.

How have you got over such cruelty? I agree that we all have the right to end a relationship but we all also deserve to be treated with sensitivity and respect.

at my age ? are you only allowed to feel shit miserable rejected and tearful when you're a teenager then? gaah no.

It was shit. But shit happens. I find that smoking drinking and cooking loads helps.

But also I am 200% fortunate that I still have my lovely boy. Many mothers on wonderful MN have lost their children.

Losing a shitty, sex-obsessed husband is nothing compared to that kind of pain.

I think I like you and your style, Unlikely.

The crying thing? I'd created a little world of complete comfort zone - no need to be upset over anything. Do you know that Pink Floyd song? "I have become comfortably numb...."

The dating thing this year (and the sex thing) was to take me out of my little numb existence. I've done plenty of dating and plenty of the other so mission for 2011 achieved. Now, where's the details of that flight to Peru......