Did you get happy after his affair? How long did it take? How did you do it?

[Abitwobblynow]

This is a heartfelt question for those living after betrayal.

Please could people who have not been touched by an affair not contribute - sorry, but you can have no idea whatsoever of how shattering it is and I heartily pray you NEVER become a member of the club nobody wanted to join.

I am especially looking for people who reconciled and how they moved forward, but would love to hear anyone's story. Any blokes out there who have betrayed and would like to explain [what it is like] I would love to hear from you.

So my questions are:

Did you find calm, acceptance, happiness, contentment, peace?
What explanation did you tell yourself to get here?
How do you relate to him?
What story did he tell to explain himself?
How long did this journey take?
Any words of advice you can give?

Basically I am trying to piece together a life now that my innocent assumptions are gone. I don't have the marriage I thought I did, and I don't know him the way I thought I did. We are both in IC and he has been diagnosed as a narcissist with not much inner world, so not only does he resist the shame, he is pretty much unable to (explain) as well.

I am really looking for some elder sisters out there, thanks because I have to heal on my own I think. I hope I get some responses.

Abitwobbly, my ex-H had an affair. We went to counselling, but my ex refused to cut all communications with the OW, saying that she was a good friend & he did not want to lose her as a friend. I am not sure if I was short-sighted or just too proud, but after a year of trying to make a go of things, I started divorce proceedings.
Nearly 9 years after it all happened I have moved on, am fully recovered and couldn't be happier that I am no longer with him.

No situation is the same. Only you & your H can sort this out. Please think about what you want, need & aspire to for the future.

Read 'not just friends' - it's good advice and helps you understand and deal with it. The narcissist bit worries me. My ex fits some of the characteristics too and I felt at the end of the day that there was no way of working through with him as he is not capable of the same consideration of others to have the kind of relationship that I would want in future. For what it's worth, I am starting to feel happy now but have left the relationship. I actually felt happy with my DH quite soon after the affair but left him some months later as I saw that his behaviour & attitude hadn't changed and realised it never would. I hope you have a better experience and you can work out your relationship together. Whatever you do though, there is always a chance to be happy. I guess the main tip would be to put yourself first as much as you can (be kind to yourself, have a life outside the relationship, see your friends, do things you enjoy). If he really is a narcissist then he's not going to put you first. There are books on Amazon about how to have relationships with narcs - I decided it wasn't worth it but as the previous poster wrote, every relationship is different. Good luck.

I think the key to getting over an affair is to get to the bottom of the situation and the behaviour - of both of you - that allowed the space to open up between you so there was room for someone else. DH and I didnt achieve that and so 6 years on we are paying the price as we are on the verge of separating - he still can't ask for what he needs or accept my illness....

Get to the bottom of the cause and the context, and if both of you are willing to change ( harder I believe for someone with narcissistic personality disorder but not impossible if they want to), I think recovery and even flourishing is possible.

Hi Abitwobbly, I've been a lurker for a while, but felt that I couldn't not reply to your post. I will say, I have no experience with narcissists, but will comment from the getting over an affair POV.

About 3 years ago, I found out that my BF was having an affair with someone that I knew quite well. They'd been seeing each other for about 6 months - although I'm sure it was longer than that in reality. One night, out of the blue, she sent me a text to tell me what had been going on. I spoke to her, got some answers from her, thanked her (!) and have never had anything to do with her since (we had a few mutual friends, I cut contact with them as well).

I went straight to him, he admitted the affair and some of the details. He didn't know that she was going to tell me, so was caught on the hop so to speak. I actually went a bit crazy for a couple of days - refused to leave his house, switched between sleeping and drinking and shouting at him. Over those couple of days I got the answers that I needed - he volunteered plenty of information that I didn't already know. He also spoke to her on loud speaker to tell her it was over, and he was with me - whether I stayed with him or not. Without doubt, it was the worst few days of my life.

I eventually left his house, with the full intention of never seeing him again. I cut total contact for about 2 months, until I received a letter from him, basically explaining his state of mind at the time, his reasons (such as they were), what he'd learned and saying that he loved me and missed me and how sorry he was, but fully understood if I didn't respond. (I know - sounds like something from a bad chick-lit book!!).

I told myself that I didn't still love him, so it would be fine to contact him - just to see... rollseyes at self It took months, but we got back together and we moved in together about 6 months ago.

It's been a very very long road to trust, including (i'm sure i'll forget something):
Having full access to phone, email (incl work when I wanted), facebook. At the start, he had a phone that put messages into 'threads' and you couldn't delete individual messages (only the whole thing), so I could check if anything had been deleted easily.
Having full access to bank and cc statements - at one point I made him account for the cash he took out as well.
He introduced me to his family, more friends (of COURSE he was having an affair 3 years ago when I hadn't met his family!!) and work collegues (new job in meantime).
If I was having a wobble - usually if he was out without me, he sent me pictures or where/who he was with, or got his friends/family to text me to confirm.

Of course these things were done obsessively at the start, and less and less as time goes on. I've had crazy moments, it was two steps forward, one step back for a long time. But through all this, it's been his actions and attitude that have kept me here, he's never suggested that anything was my fault, he accepts total responsibility for his actions and my crazyness! I still open his bank statements sometimes, and occasionally check his phone (usually if i've had too much wine!). Do I trust him? Not fully, no. But I believe that I will never fully trust anyone ever again - I'll always have my eyes open.

Hope my ramblings help in some way, it CAN be done, it's bloody hard work but it CAN happen.

Dh had an affair Christmas 2009. It was a week fling. Sexual. But Oi marriage was over before then, that was the even that made us both see what a bad place we were in. To cut a long story short. It took us a 6 month separation, dating again, starting from scratch, total transparency and open honesty in everything from us both, alot of talking, alot of crying, moving slowly. I completely found myself again. I learnt to love myself and become "me" in my own right. He did the same and we learnt that we both fancied eachother and wanted to give it a go with the other person. It was like Wong in a new relationship.
I can honestly say, we have never been happier or had a stronger marriage. It was the hardest but most rewarding thing we have ever done. We know how to communicate effectively with eachother now. We value eachother. We know the warning signs and what it takes to support eachother.
Most importantly, you both have to want it to work. Good luck.