Parents treatment of my son

[peppajay]

My parents looked after my DC's from 10-3 yesterday only the second time as they not particularly hands on and see it as a chore rather than something they enjoy but I had been let down by childminder so was desperate.

Anyway my DD is 5 and when with them is an absolute angel, partly because she knows that it makes her brother who is 3 look naughty. He always plays up when with them as they constantly tell him to stop, shut up etc. He is a different boy when with them partly normal boy behaviour but because he is constantly nagged at he does play up more than if they let him pay in his normal boyish way. But to them crashing cars and roaring like a dinasour is unacceptable behaviour and he should play quietly. My dad is a very effeminate man and sees any sort of male behaviour as thuggish!!! They have a friend whose grandson is a great football player and my dad says they seem very proud of him and all they go on about is how brilliant Kyle is at football and my dad thinks this is a terrible thing to be proud of.

Also when they look after them instead of taking them to a mcdonalds or wetherspoons for something to eat they take them to the poshest deli possible and wonder why they moan when the only food available is some really posh organic cake and not a bog standard biscuit!!! Their argument is they do as they do when they are with them!!

So anyway not going to use them to look after them again.

But my real gripe is where they are telling the rest of the family that my son has severe behaviour problems and we are encouraging it by letting him crash cars and play football. My gran their great gran is 96 and she absolutely adores my son and he has never misbehaved in front of her and her comment to me was "it is so nice that we are allowing him to be a boy as my bro was stopped from doing this.

And yes they are massive SNOBS and are well known for it!!

Also my DD is doing bad things at home to encourage my son to be naughty so he gets told off as generally she is the naughty one and he is the one who behaves!!!

Going to theirs for xmas and we are all absolutely dreading it!! Debating whether we should just not go and be at home but my DD would be devastated as she loves her gp's!!

Sounds like you're just having a good vent there - good place for it!
Your gran has her head screwed on the right way by the sound of it, so your parents aren't managing to influence all the rest of the family's opinions on your DS's behaviour. How did your brother turn out after all the repression?

You've already said that you're not going to let the GPs look after your DC again (wise) - why don't you just go to your parents for a couple of hours at Christmas, so your DC get to see them, but you have the majority of the day at home where your DS can be as boyish as he likes without fear of reprisal!

Didn't want this to go unanswered, so will blether on until someone useful comes along, whose better at this stuff than me.

Can you just go for a short time-arrive just before lunch and leave fairly soon after? Bring plenty of toys to occupy DS, so that he's busy playing and can stay under their radar?

They sound awful TBH. YOur poor brother, when he was growing up.

Good luck for Christmas day x

Also my DD is doing bad things at home to encourage my son to be naughty so he gets told off as generally she is the naughty one and he is the one who behaves!

This is a clear indication that your dps are encouraging some undesirable behaviour traits in your dd and your little ds will inevitably be adversely affected by their obvious dislike of him.

I would suggest that you that you opt to spend Christmas at home with your family and make it clear to your dps that unless your ds is allowed to behave as the normal healthy little boy that he is in their presence, they will inevitably see a lot less of their dgcs than they may expect.

Your dd may 'adore' her dgps but at 5yrs old I very much doubt that she will lament not seeing them on Christmas Day for very long, and you can allay any tears by the promise of a visit to them on Boxing Day or shortly thereafter.

When you visit your dps I suggest that you firmly challenge any attempt by them to discriminate between your dcs purely on gender, and that you make it clear to wider family members that the only behaviour in question here is that of your dps.

There's a lot of labelling going on for two very small children.

Sounds like your parents have issues with children being children ... perhaps you could by them "Raising Boys" for Christmas

All I can say in their defence is that when I was growing up as parents they were fantastic and both me and my bro had a fantastic childhood, they gave up everything for us and I have great memories of growing up. It is only since me and my bro left home they seemed to discover their own life again but in a purely selfish snobby way.

And my bro is gay but he was never a real boys boy as there is 7 yrs between us I remember when he was little he was never ever a rough and tumble type like my son, he was never encouraged to play sport and I cant remember him having any specific boys toys. I remember when he was about 10 he tried to play football etc to be like the other boys and he was discouraged by my parents but he didnt mind coz it wasnt him anyway!I So when my little boy comes along who is such a boy they are so out of their depth. Nether my dad or bro know anything about cars, sport or trains and just because they choose to be like that I am not going to discourage my boy from being a boy!!

I can see why you have a problem, but I have a real issue with "It is only since me and my bro left home they seemed to discover their own life again but in a purely selfish snobby way."
Judgemental much?
Their life is their life. You bring up your children how you want to. They've done their bit and if you don't like the way they are with your children you know what to do, don't you?

Raising boys is a fantastic book - I second that! I have three boys and crashing cars and roaring is par for the course. I do think that boys should be able to sit in a nice restaurant though and behave (even at 3yrs with a book or a car to play with quietly). But the rest of the time they should be outside, exercised and roaring away!

I have had similar problems in the past, but with my PILs. They actually banned my son (from my first marriage) from their house aged 4, because he had a tantrum and supposedly kicked my MIL in the shin. Not behaviour I have ever witnessed in my son myself. I never knew the reason until a year or so ago, and my son is now 9! Her other grandchildren have all had tantrums, done naughty things etc but never been banned from the house. I find it hard to forgive them for this, but internalise it for a quiet life. Meanwhile I slowly and quietly withdrew my son from her, although not my other children who are her real grandchildren. My son has never really noticed this and is not bothered anyway, as he has loving grandparents of his own. But I know my MIL is embarrassed now about it and always asking about my son etc. I am polite and nice to her but I think she knows how crap it was of her and she also knows that it has made a nice big wedge between us that will probably always be there.

Just realised that's no help at all to your problem, I just wanted to point out that families are odd where kids, especially noisy boys are concerned. My mum thinks its absolutely dreadful, for example that my ds1 has an iPod touch and even worse that ds2 (5) knows the words to his brothers JLS and Lady GaGa CDs. I'm fed up of justifying my boys all the time and tend to just ignore and change the subject now.

Thank goodness they are the GPs and not the parents. My parents were like that with me, they never seemed to realise I was a CHILD and therefore shouldn't be a mini adult. But I was always forced to fit in with them. I have 2 DCs now and I still find it incredibly difficult to 'let go' and just mess about being silly!

I resent them for it now. Xmas is a particularly difficult time because of it. They aren't so bad with my DCs, mum actually plays with DD (occasionally - but more than she did with me).

They aren't horrible people, BTW, they just didn't really think.

You know what OP, it's their loss in the end. They might miss out in the long run if your DCs don't like them when they're older.