What do you think?

[KinkyDoritoWithFairyLightsOn]

I could do with some advice. This will take a bit of explaining...

Some of you might be aware from other posts that my DD(13) was diagnosed with leukaemia in January.

Her dad and I split up when she was a baby; she lives with me but he helps out with hospital stays, taking her for appointments. He is still very much a part of our life. He has a girlfriend, but no other children.

I am very happily married and have a DS(3).

I have a half Dsis who I met when I was 16. I had DD when I was 19 and she was around then - she lives quite a long way from us.

DSis and I aren't close anymore as we clash a lot, we are quite similar. I think she thinks things are okay between us. I don't like conflict, and she is a very abrasive person. She is single without children.

In past couple of years, at different meet-ups, like my wedding, Dsis and Ex have been very flirty.

Since DD was diagnosed, Dsis has been texting Ex quite regularly, I think initially using illness as an excuse. She rarely texts me, although I update her on facebook.

She was living abroad; she came back over for the first time in June. I'd been looking forward to seeing her as I thought I could have quite an honest chat with her about DD. I hide my feelings a lot around my family as I don't want to upset them, but I know that Dsis is like me, and would be a good listener. (I wasn't feeling as cross with her at this point.)

When she came over, she hardly talked to me. I found out it was because she'd been trying to organise a night out with Ex. In the past, we have gone out all together. Nothing had been mentioned to me. We ended up having a discussion about it and she said it was only because he wanted to travel to where she was living.

I felt pretty let down at that point: the worst year of my life, and her concern was going out with Ex, rather than seeing me. Put me in my place!

Anyway, since then I'm aware she has been posting openly flirty messages with him on FB (The pill is the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to stop her getting pregnant ). She's coming up to stay with my parents for Christmas, and coming here for Christmas Eve.

My DH is not impressed with her at all. Truth be told, he's quite cross with how she appears to be blatantly going after DD's dad. He says it's very disrespectful to me. She's made it very clear that she isn't concerned about my feelings. He doesn't want her here.

I'm honestly not fussed whether they get together. I actually think they are very well suited. I don't know how DD would feel about it, and I haven't raised it with her because it's not an issue - yet. It certainly looks like something will happen though as today she has put on FB that she's going to visit where he lives today.

She was supposed to be going straight to parents. My poor DMum has taken the full week off work to spend time with her (She's Dad's DD), but she's now not coming until tomorrow as she had other people to see. Fine - except she didn't say that this would be Ex!

I want to ignore it, but I just feel like such a mug because she is going about it in such a way that makes it very clear that she's not considered me at all. I'm quite hurt and don't know if I should do something about it, or just leave it.

Jeez. That is so long.

Have a virtual mince pie if you stuck with me through that!

How does your ex feel about your sister?

I do think it's a bit ... well, tacky, her going after your ex. Yes, you are happily married, but still ... it just sounds like her interest in him might well be down to siblingy issues, on a level ...

Thanks! Well, she sounds like she's going to do whatever she wants to do. It is disrespectful to you I think. I'd be cheesed off with her too, but is it more that you've got issues from the past with her-ie you clash and she's a bit abrasive?

She sounds selfish. And possibly blinkered. If it genuinely doesn't fuss you that it's your ex, then what are you going to get out of confrontation?

-You'll get some satisfaction maybe, telling her how she's stomping over everyone, but will it actually achieve anything ie make her rein her behaviour in? If she's had a lifetime of being like this, then I doubt it.

So, is it more trouble than it's worth to you to get involved? Could you distance yourself from her? Tell her not to come Christmas Eve?

I have a family member a bit like this. We had an issue-which she was always denying-so I wrote her an email setting out the issue from my pov. I then copied it to someone else in the family, so she couldn't deny it any longer. Getting that 3rd party involved(my poor brother!) seemed to do the trick.

I have a sister like this - the world rotates around her and her reality. Sounds like she's just not worth your trust and certainly won't give you the support you need. You're just a means to and end (i.e. getting to your Ex).

Stop trying to understand her motives - they're not that deep. Step away from Facebook. If they get together, make a point of laughing about it with DD. Your DH sounds lovely BTW, lean on him!

She is out of order on many levels. Ex has a GF !
How is he reacting to all this?
Could be very messy.

How is your DD doing ?

Thank you both for responding. I think Ex quite likes her too.

Family know I'm pissed off with her, but they are in a similar position to me, not wanting to cause upset. Is it really worth it? My Dad says I've got a lovely family and I should focus on that, that it's not worth bothering about. My DSis (other one) says either call her on it - she is very blinkered and will continue to pretend she's not upsetting me until I actually say I'm upset - or let it go.

I just feel like it's a slap in the face. I also feel quite left out. They've made plans to go out on Boxing Day without us. Ex actually asked if I was going to come out, but Dsis hasn't mentioned it at all. I don't have a lot of friends and this year has been very isolating - it would be nice to be included in things that I was always in the middle of in the past. It's almost like she's trying to step into my shoes, which is odd.

If I tell her not to come, then it would raise the conflict right at Christmas when we've had such a shitty year. It would also put my parents in a crap position as they are bringing her as she's staying with them.

Tatty Dh is lovely and very concerned about me. He's obviously been living in the middle of all of the things with DD this year and it's been hard on all of us. I think he wants to save me more strife.

Clara Ex is interested though and is a pest with women. I don't know if he sees them (Dsis) as mates that could be more. I'd actually be amazed if nothing has ever happened between them in the past. DD takes her Dad's love-life with a pinch of salt. I'm not sure if she's aware about my Dsis and her dad. I doubt his girlfriend knows they are going out, or whether she thinks I'm going too.

DD is doing okay. We are nearly a year into treatment with eighteen months to go. She's been up and down over the past few months, and we've had several stays in hospital, so I'm really hoping she will settle over Christmas, manage to stay at home, then be able to try school again in January. Tough times.

Very tough kinky.
Really hope she gets back to school in Jan.
Have a relaxing, cosy Christmas concentrating on DD.
Sis will always cause mayhem,leave her to it. (easier said than done I know)

Have you ever considered that your sister is a narcissist?

Look it up. Her behaviour ticks so many of the boxes.

The best advice about dealing with a narcissist is to have as little to do with the person as possible.

I have a feeling that this 'romance' has nothing to do with your ex, it's about you. The girlfriend though adds spice to your sister's challenge and is a kind of BOGOF deal. She gets to piss you off and have her ego bolstered by tempting an attached man in the process. These opportunities are gold-plated and irresistiblefor a narcissist. No amount of reasoning that your ex would sleep with anyone with a pulse would work and any irritation you show, will feed her.

Not surprised at the lack of concern for her niece. At some stage though, she might show concern for your husband so be prepared for that.

I would act as though you're not bothered, but I'd advise you to have a very superficial relationship with your DSIS from now on and limit contact. Regard her as a poison that you are keeping away from you and your family.

I will have a read Charbon. Thank you. I'm certainly drawing that conclusion now myself - that I would be better keeping my distance. It makes me feel quite sad as we are quite a close family and I've always tried hard in the past to make her feel included.

What do I think? I think your sister is a selfish twat, not especially because of her pursuing your ex (although YUK!) but because of her making it her priority over your dd, yourself and the rest of your family. I think your dh is right and I personally right about now i would be telling her in detail probably by email or a status update on FB , why she would not be welcome at my home over Christmas. Honestly I really would mainly because it would all come out in person when I saw her anyway so best not to ruin everyone's Christmas with a big stand up row over the Christmas Pud.