Can you force someone to make a decision? Need feedback here please?

[JALG]

I posted on here a few months ago ? briefly my DH of 24 yrs (been together 32 yrs) moved out. I had discovered a year before, that he was having an affair. This was his second affair The first was 13 years ago and lasted on and off for about 6 years and included a period of a year in which we did not live together. Then my first DD was 7 years old and now my second DD is also 7 years old (that seems weird!).

After I discovered the affair he promised it would stop, but it didn?t. He also became seriously ill in early 2010 and after this promised to stop but he didn?t and continued to lie to me about it, saying that he was not seeing her any more. Eventually I told him that they way he was treating me was appalling, it was making me ill and starting to affect our DD?s and he must leave. He did, the very next day and has since set himself up in a flat in a nearby town.

So, he works away all week, is very much a workaholic ? always has been. But wants to see our youngest DD Friday nights and one day at weekends. He does not want her to know where he is living, prefers her to think its at his mums, so she does not feel its permanent. He comes to the house, cuddles up on the settee with her, and joins in with family outings to the cinema and for meals.

I love him still, but am so hurt by what he has done and the way in which he continues to prolong my pain. I have asked many times that he does not throw our marriage of 24yrs down the drain for some pathetically young women (17 years younger than him!) that he is not even seeing any more at the moment. He claims to be using the time to ?get his head sorted out?. He has told both of us that he is not pursuing (his words) ?any relationship at the present?.
I have tried so hard here. I have joined online dating sites in desperation for company and a way to move on. I have been on two dates but could not go further as I feel that I am betraying my husband and I clearly still love him, I feel so guilty. One guy asked me to go for a meal with him, and I had it all lined up and chickened out at the last moment as I was afraid. But as it happened my eldest DD came round distraught that night and I was so glad I was not out with another bloke who was not her dad.

I am so confused about my feelings. How can I ever trust this man again? But we had a good relationship. We make each other laugh and we have happy times together. My youngest DD is distraught and so wants her family back to together again. It hurts so much sometimes when she cries for him.

I have asked him to tell me what his plans are. I have told him that I cannot go on like this anymore as I am so unhappy and need to either get back together or be able to move on. He has a 6 month lease and I think he was planning on giving himself 6 months. Should I sit it out and wait and see if he eventually comes home. Or do I force him to make a decision? Have any of you been in a similar situation before? Does forcing someone to make a decision lead them to make a decision before they are ready and for the wrong reasons?

Sorry that you are going through this.

Honestly...I think he is having his cake and eating it too.

He is dangling you on a string knowing that you still love him and using that fact to basically take the P, he should have your daughter to his for their weekend visits, I would hazaard a guess that he doesnt because he wants to keep his two lives seperate [possibly has a woman living with him?]

I would advise you to force that issue more than any decision about the future from him. ie contact with your DD being away from you and the marital home and at his home instead.

I dont think he will change the current arrangements all the while you are willing to go along with it.

You need to draw a line in the sand and not do family outings etc with him or you will never move on.

I will ask, please dont be offended and ignore me if you dont wish to say, but do you 'sleep' with him when he visits? if so that very much fits the pattern of a man that is 'having his cake'

As much as you love him and are in pain right now, that pain will not go away while things continue as they are, you need to take control and the first step is I think to stop him having 'free run' of your home on the premise of seeing your daughter.

I am very sorry, but he has made a clear decision.

He has decided that he does not want to be with you, he has twice disrespected your relationship together, he has twice disrespected his relationship with his DC's.

He is having a nice family life, on his terms, and not on your terms or your DD's terms, he is doing what suits him and when it suits him without once considering the effect that this has on his children and you.

As much as you love him deeply, he does not love you enough to respect you. Could you really spend the rest of your life with a man who has no respect for you and your children?

You need to make your own decisions. You are the only person whose behaviour you can control. I would suggest trying 'Plan B' - www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html - It will bring peace and stability to you and your DCs and force him to understand what life without you really means. If he then chooses to ask for reconciliation then you can set some really clear terms. Hang in there, you going to have to be in this or the long run.

i'm afraid the not wanting his dd's to know where he lives is probably more to do with not wanting them turning up in his shag pad unexpectedly

I'm with the others - he has made his choice and you need to tell him to get lost and start rebuilding your own life.

As long as he knows you are there for him, he will not stop this cowardly selfish behaviour. You and your DCs deserve much more than this.

You can't change people but you can change how you deal with them.

I would suggest that the only way to force him into a decision is by making one yourself.

I really feel your unhappiness but I agree with others. This will continue exactly as it is unless you get control of what is going on.

If I were you, I would visit a solicitor to discuss formalising visitation and possible divorce. I would also change the locks so that he can only visit by invitation. But i can understand if you are not ready to hear that just yet

JALG have you spoken to anyone about this ie a counsellor? A good counsellor should be able to help you rebuild your self esteem and confidence, which come across as shattered (not surprisingly). He has you exactly where he wants you. Can you summon the strength to tell him he cannot visit your home anymore to play happy families, and that he must sort out his living arrangements for the sake of contact with the chidren? It is so hard, but even a small step bit by bit may help you start getting some perspective on him. He is utterly self absorbed and selfish, it seems to me. I'm so sorry.

Think about what you are communicating to your husband in your actions.

That despite what you said before, you are willing to forgive at least 2 affairs and all the pain and the impact they have had on your life for so many years of your marriage.

That you realise that he will be unfaithful again, because he has no self-control and is selfish, does not regret his affairs and has learnt nothing - but you are willing to accept anything as long as it means you keep him.

What do you think his respect is, for you?

Then have a think about what your husband is communicating to you, by his actions.

Put yourself in his shoes. He doesn't want to be married to you, but he doesn't want you to move on either because that will have an impact on him and might mean that his life becomes less comfortable. At the moment, everything is easy and no hassle. No clearing up after your DD or solo supervision. Days out all arranged for him and being pampered at the weekend after a hard week at work. Would you be in a hurry to give that up?

He won't make a decision all the time you're still letting him think the decision is his to make. The only thing that will motivate him to change the very comfortable status quo is if he thinks he has lost you.

Even then, were he to come back to you and you agreed, he will reason that he can still have affairs because you will put up with it.

Is that really what you want for your life?

People in your situation often don't want to 'give up' after so many years invested, which is understandable and even reasonable if those years have been happy, this is the first sign of real trouble and you are both confident that the pain will never happen again.

It's less understandable and reasonable if many of those years have been painful and there is every likelihood that it will happen again.

Better to think that the waste is not the past, but the future. If you spend any more of your precious years hoping that this man will change and will love and respect you, it will be a travesty.

Charbon - I have not thought of it from this point of view. I am worried about the message that it sounds out to my 18yr old if i were to reconcile, although as a christian I would hope that she would see that I was a forgiving person. But you are right. I need to make him aware of the kind of principles that i live my life by. I have been faithful throughout our marriage and I know that he finds this so very hard and this also makes him feel so guilty. He is reluctant to reconcile mainly because he agrees that he is a serial adulterer and we have a very uneven playing field. What makes someone like me still feel that I cannot live without him then. I still feel excited when I know he is coming round, I still need to feel his arms around me when he occasionally gives me a hug?
PeppermintPatsy - Yes I was seeing a counsellor for 6 months. She was good but also in training. I think she felt that she had got to a point that I was not actually changing anything and that she felt I had to either leave him or ask him to leave before i could actually start to recover. Little did she know that when I did pluck up the courage to tell him to go, I actually fell apart and it has been down hill from there. Emotionally I am a wreck, although I am doing ok, have got myself a part-time job etc. I also , in desperation went to see a Psychotherapist Counsellor, she was great first time round but on my second visit told my that she thought my husband had Psychopathic tendencies - she couldn't me more wrong about him (at least as she as never met him I really don't think she can make that judgment)
Ladymedea - thanks for this - I have been on the website before. I have already told him that he has to make a decision now but he said that he will not in the face of Xmas. So after Xmas I am going to give him a week then go to Plan B. I realise I have to - for my own sanity. Plan B (for those that don't know) is to cut off all contact until an agreement to either separate or reconcile has been made).
Amberleaf - Interesting you should ask this - he has not been able to sleep with me since he started his affair (must be nearly 18mths ago) guilt I think?

Thanks to everyone else - You have probably told me what I know in my heart is the truth. I know what I have to do, and after Xmas I will try my best to go through with it.

OP, I'm really sorry you are living through this.

I think the fact he won't make a decision near Christmas means that it doesn't bode well. If his decision was to be with you, why wouldn't he just tell you?

I think if you divorced him you would feel so free and happy. Your home would be so much happier. Your daughters are old enough now to know you have really suffered at their father's hand. Would you think they should do the same with a partner?

He is taking advantage of your Christianity and of your desire to make it work for your family's sake. He is giving nothing. Please try to have a life without him.

Amberleaf - Interesting you should ask this - he has not been able to sleep with me since he started his affair (must be nearly 18mths ago) guilt I think

Yes quite possibly guilt. Im glad for your sake that this is the case.

ImperialBlether;

I think if you divorced him you would feel so free and happy. Your home would be so much happier

I agree 100% with the above, he has got your existing in a half life unable to go forward.

You really do deserve to be happy and I hope that you manage to move forward soon.

how nice for him

you sound really clingy and needy for his attention.

in yur position i hope i would tell dh to go get fucked and sprt out access to kids through solicitor - pay me maintenance and change the locks

id also remind him that i was going to go out and enjoy miself with some lovely strapping gents

If a trained psychotherapist told you that in her opinion your husband has psychopathic tendencies, I would suggest you sit up and listen and get back to her because any educated guess she made as to his character would have been based on what you told her about him, and you've certainly described a man without conscience here.

I view the fact that he's seemingly had two 7-year itches as being purely coincidental as I suspect that these are the only two of numerous short-lived affairs he's had since your marriage that you've discovered.

To put it crudely, your husband puts himself about with one aim in view which is to have sex with other women and his marriage vows are meaningless to him.

The brutal truth is that, far from being eaten up with guilt, he hasn't had sex with you for 18 months because he doesn't love you. He's moved on and he's into women who are young enough to be his daughter.

There are numerous words that aptly describe him, but as I have no wish to offend your Christian sensibilities I will confine myself to stating that your husband is a serial adulterer who has no remorse for the havoc he has wrought on either yourself or your dds.

The only thing that may make this man rethink his position is a complete change of attitude on your part. I see no reason why you should wait until a week after Christmas to go 'no contact' and I would suggest that after yet another sham meal/happy family scenario has been enacted on the Day, you inform him that he is no longer welcome in the marital home and that if he wants to see his young dd you'll be dropping her off at his place and he can bring her back at times to be arranged.

Shock tactics may give him pause for thought and instead of enacting blessed are the meek of the New Testament when you are conversing with him on this subject, I would advise you to take a look at the Old for examples of smiting and smoting and breathe some potent hellfire and brimstone over him.

'Judgment is mine saith the Lord' and, as God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform, I see no reason why you should not be inspired to act as His instrument when meting out apt justice to your adulterous husband who've you've allowed to get away scot free for far too long.

The psychotherapist wasn't trying to make a diagnosis JALG. But it's hardly a revelation that someone who keeps inflicting pain on the people he's meant to love might have those tendencies, is it?

The plan of action you've arrived at still puts the decision with him. In allowing this, you are saying that you'll reconcile and forgive.

Is that what you meant to say and do?

What might be the consequences of that for you and your DDs?

Hi JALG,
I am sorry you are going through this. And your 18 yo dd, too.

No, you can not 'make' him come to a decision. But in my book, no answer means 'no', and I am not long in proceeding with Plan B. (Plan Bs are just as good or even better than Plan A .)

WHERE IS YOUR ANGER? This is in Caps to be a big billboard poster for you, not necessairly shouting...although someone probably should shout it out for you. I am sure I will be corrected if I am wrong-I am no theologian-but it is not against God's plan to get angry.

Your 18 yo dd needs to see your anger, imho.

Also, imho, the calendar should not be driving this change.