Marriage in decay ! What can I do ?

[lovelorna]

It's taken me a long time to come and post this - but I think it's time I looked at this issue honestly ! I would really welcome your views !

I am a mumsnet regular but have changed my name for this !

We have been married for 12 yrs, and been together since university. We have a 5 year old ds - and the last time we had sex was when he was conceived ! My dh has never been very interested in sex to be honest and I used to think this was a blessing as he didn't hassle me for it ! Even when we were trying to conceive I had to make all the moves. At some deep level I wonder if this was my fault ?

Anyway - to cut a long story short - I know I ought to want to get our sex life back on track - but I find that I really don't fancy him anymore. He is very big now - 20 stone - and I hate to say it - but quite smelly. He is a lovely man and at some level I do still love him - although I am fairly sure I am not in love with him.

He is a lovely dad to ds - and we have a good life together - the only thing missing is the sex and the closeness that other couples seem to have.

The question is - do I rock the boat and leave him - breaking up the family for no real reason ?

Or - do I stay ?

I do still like him a lot, and when I think back to the early days feel quite gooey - but nowadays I don't even want him to touch me - it's like it's all too late. Last night he tried to cuddle me during the night and my only feeling was anger that he had woken me up !

I don't know what to think - I am a stroppy cow and I'm sure that hasn't helped - but it can't all be down to me ?

What do you think ? What should I do ?

First thing to do is talk about it with him - difficult I know with such a sensitive subject. Perhaps ask him how he is feeling about your relationship for starters? Then that opens it up for you to talk about how you're feeling ... ?

You really need to say all this to hom sometimes talking is all it takes and he may be feeling the same.It must be awfully lonely to be in a relationship like that and if you choose to stay with it you will miss out on the real intimacy of a relationship.It sounds as though you still like each other though which is a massive plus

To me it sounds like there is hope - just that you've both lost your way.

I know that looks aren't supposed to matter but to be honest we all know they do. It really isn't surprising that you don't feel attracted to a 20 stone smelly bloke however nice he is. Call me shallow but if he took himself in hand and lost some of that blubber he'd probably feel much more interested in you and you might find your feelings rekindled for him. Is it worth a try or have things got past that?

lovelorna, sounds to me like you still love him. Splitting up is horrible for everyone - avoid it at all costs.
Could you help him get more active to lose some weight, which might raise his sex drive & just encourage him to shower a bit more? Some shared activities might help too.

Hi everyone, Thank goodness you haven't all said "leave him" - which I half expected !

I don't want to split up the family, and haven't altogether given up hope of another child. I do find parts of his behaviour rude and annoying - but who doesn't really ?

He is trying to get fitter at the moment - but is fundamentally a pig - so if he exercises he then eats way too much afterwards ! That said - he isn't a total mound of blubber - he is actually 6 foot 2 and an ex rugby player - but his gut is massive - looks full term preggers !

I know I need to talk to him - but I kind of want to get my own feelings straight first ! He isn't a very chatty bloke and doesn't like talking about feelings and the such-like !

I am such a witch - but I have been half hoping he would have an affair to force the issue ! My friend can't believe he has gone without sex all this time - she thinks he must be having affairs - but he really isn't the sort to do that !

Anyone else got any thoughts ?

The fact he's put all that weight on and isn't really taking care about his personal hygiene seems to suggest he's feeling pretty bad about himself. I'm sure you'd be able to tell if he was having affairs!

So - how do I tackle it ?

I'm a bit like a bull in a china shop really - once I've sat him down it will all come flooding out and if I'm not very very careful I will upset him !

I suppose I should do the "I feel......" bit rather than the "You......" thing that comes more naturally ?

I am such a coward - hate confrontations etc......

Maybe I could write him a letter ?

Doesn't have to be a confrontation. How about you say that you are worried that things between you both have got a bit stale & you'd like to have a go at making things better. By saying that you are not aportioning any blame, just stating what you think at the moment & what you'd like to do.
I don't think you can actually say, you are fat & smelly, as this would be really hurtful. However, you could say - I've bought you some wonderful shower gel that I think would make you smell yummy!

Actually, writing a letter is a brilliant idea. You probably won't give it to him, but it will clarify your own thoughts and feelings.