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Original poster

Jealous of bf's friend

13 replies

skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 16:22

Been with bf for 3 months, not long but so far it has been good, there's one thing bugging me though this friend that is female!

Now she has been his friend for the last 3 years long before I came on the scene so I have to accept it I know that. He has been honest with me from the start about her, apparently she did want more to happen between them but he made it clear he was not interested in her in that way and nothing would ever happen, she agreed to just being friends. She is a single mum with a dd about the same age as my dd, from what I can gather it has been a good friendship he has done quite alot with her, for her (apart from things you would do with a gf) such as fix things in her house help sometimes with her dd, they saw each other once a week or fornight and I recently found out he went round to hers for xmas dinner last year. It sounds like they were both good company for each other both being single etc.

Now though I have come along, and he has been spending a lot of time with me and she is feeling a little pushed out by the sounds of things, understandably I suppose, she makes comments like you don't bother with us so much now you're seeing someone, but well thats what happens I guess. She has been the one has looked after him in some ways too such as buying him cream for his skin condition, baking things for him, buying little presents. I saw the Christmas card she bought him last night and a seperate one from her dd, hers is a big one for someone special saying 'whenever you need a friend we will be here' really nice but wrongly or rightly its making me feel uncomfortable. She bought him a present and one of the presents she bought I saw and is the same as what I bought him oops. Obviously just coincidence but still it made me feel uncomfortable. He is feeling in the middle I guess, he's said many times to me I have nothing to worry about there is nothing romantic going on between them, never has and never will be. He did struggle to tell her he met someone, as he didn't want it to effect their friendship but clearly it is as it will. He says he wants us to meet so I feel more comfortable and see she's not a threat, which I suppose would be the the next best step. I'm just not sure what is acceptable and what isn't as far as a female friend is concerned. I have male friends but none of them buy me presents etc, but you know he met her when they were both single. I don't want to feel jealous but I just do I can't help it, how do I handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 16:55

Any advice would be appreciated !

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 20/12/2011 17:07

I completly understand you being jealous, skinny.
I would advise you to meet her, to clarify things to her, ie., that you are his girlfriend.
It's early days still in your relationship to do anything. But if this continues he will need to let her know that her behaviour is inappriopriate.

CharliesMummyMeg · 20/12/2011 17:41

I agree, meet her but try and be friendly with her. You know what they say keep your friends close but possible enemys closer?
Also agree with clara sage - it his responsibility to tell her that she needs to back off

Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 17:54

glad its not just me being a jealous cow to be honest! I don't want to stop him having friends but its difficult when you know she is interested in him in that way, even if I am sure he has no interest in her in that way. I'm just concerned she could cause trouble!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 20/12/2011 17:55

You seem to be looking at this quite rationally at the moment, which is the best way to be.

You're right though, you do have to accept this friendship, if you want a future with your bf, that is. Whatever issues you see with this friend of his, she is obviously quite important to him and therefore the way to handle it is not to get between them, but to get to understand their friendship, which you will only do by getting to know her.

That said, you don't have to accept any dodgy behaviour from her, although unless it is actually directed towards you, anything unacceptable should be dealt with by your bf. It is his place and responsibility to handle anything that needs handling.

Is there any way you could bond through the DCs? If you are to get to know her, you need an icebreaker, and that could be it!

Good luck. :)

TidyDancer · 20/12/2011 17:57

She can only cause trouble if your bf lets her....

Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 18:00

Thanks tidydancer x

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 20/12/2011 18:29

You're welcome. :)

I've been in this position from both sides. I have a male best friend (my BIL now actually, he introduced me to his brother!) and my DP has a female best friend. I know what it's like to be viewed with suspicion by BIL's GF's, but I also know it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to bond with DP's friend. I love her like a sister now, she's truly one of the loveliest people ever and adores my DCs, but that kind of thing doesn't happen overnight.

Bare in mind, she probably does feel threatened by you, but likely not because you are 'with' your bf, but she may worry you're the type of person who might try to restrict the friendship. You both need reassurance right now, and you can probably only get that from getting to know each other.

Merlotmonster · 20/12/2011 19:03

look at it another way...imagine how she must feel about you....you have everything she wants..you are the lucky one. you bf sounds like a lovely chap..caring etc, but, its YOU he wants..enjoy :-))) wishing you well for christmas and hope it all works out for you... x

Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 19:03

True but what makes it harder is I know she still carries a torch for him, I am sure he has no interest i know through a mutual friend as well as what he has told me. But I know she is jealous now too so it could cause trouble, but I'm also hoping he will see this if it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 19:04

Thanks melotmonster! Yes you are right he is lovely, a bit too lovely sometimes :-)

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 20/12/2011 19:07

Seriously, if she causes trouble, it's only because your bf allows her to, in which case he's probably not as great as you think he is. She can be completely in love with him and try every which way to get in between you, but she can't do it if your bf doesn't let her.

She sounds like she's, at worst, just feeling a bit sad about not being with him. It could also be possible they just have a very close friendship and she doesn't really want to be with him.

Please try not to worry about it. If what you've said is accurate, I don't think there's any cause for concern at all.

Original poster
skinnyminny72 · 20/12/2011 19:12

Thanks again for you re assurance, I should probably stop worrying so much it really is only early days anyway.

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