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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Weird behaviour by another school mum - what would you think??!

15 replies

LJsmum · 11/01/2006 10:27

Don't know if this is the right place to put this, but I'm intrigued to know what others think about it and how they would feel. There's a mum at my ds' school, our sons (hers is six, mine's almost 6) were in the same class last year and are in the same class this year. She strikes me as slightly 'flaky' but otherwise has always seemed really nice. She also has two younger children and she is several years younger than me.

Anyway she has always seemed happy to see me at school, she always says hello and chats to me and seems very happy that our two boys are friends. Whenever there's anything happening at the school, she asks me whether I'm going to be there. If we happen to be at a birthday party with our kids, she will always come and stand with me & chat to me for the duration. Towards the end of last year, dh and I went to a parent night at the school and she and her dh came and sat with us. Then when I didn't turn up to a school function one day last year, she said "We really missed you today, where were you?" etc etc.

The strange thing is, in November I suggested to her that we get the boys together for a playdate - nothing major, just a trip to the park or to each other's house, something like that. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. After a couple of weeks I called her and left a message on her answerphone, saying if you'd still like to organise a playdate for the boys give me a call and let me know what day is best for you. Nothing. She didn't return the call and weeks went by. Then I ran into her at the shops one day and she acted as though nothing had happened.. very chatty and said 'Oh, I've been meaning to ring you, I got your message' etc etc. When we parted she said, I'll give you a call in a couple of days and we'll organise a day to get together. I said "Ok" but was feeling a bit doubtful in the back of my mind. And you guessed it - nothing. No phone call at all. She just didn't get in touch. I don't know whether to feel hurt/offended/insulted or just plain bemused by it - it actually makes me wonder if she has some sort of issues..? To be quite honest I feel like not bothering with her at all now, but I'm a bit disappointed it's turned out this way since we have to see each other at school. Other mums have rung me in the past and invited ds & I around for a play & a coffee, and I've always responded to the invitation and gone along. It doesn't mean you have to be best friends or anything!! I just find her behaviour quite strange and confusing considering her extreme friendliness in the past. I don't really know what I'm going to say when I see her next, it will probably just be somewhat uncomfortable. What do you think it could be??!

OP posts:
LeftOverTurkey · 11/01/2006 10:37

It sounds to me a bit like those xmas card messages, or when you run into someone in the street - "We really must get togther sometime". Everyone really, honestly means it at the time then no one ever quite gets around to doing anything about it.

Very irritating I agree, but probably better not to read too much into it and try not to take offence.

heavenis · 11/01/2006 10:43

I would just leave your friendship as seeing each other at school. Maybe she's not very organised and with two smaller children time does run away. I wouldn't take it personally some people are just like that.

LJsmum · 11/01/2006 10:46

I know what you're saying Leftoverturkey, but when someone actually goes to the trouble of inviting you?? One mother asked me to come over to her place with ds just days before Christmas, so that the boys could have a play together and I went. I didn't particularly feel like doing it at the time but I wouldn't dream of saying 'Yes' and then not turning up or not phoning back - that's just plain rude/weird as far as I'm concerned. The main reason I asked this other mum to get together was to give our boys an opportunity to play, not necessarily to strike up a friendship with her. I thought she would see it the same way.

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 11/01/2006 10:49

She may just be, as you say, a bit flaky - full of good intentions that never quite get carried out. I'm guilty of it too, to a certain extent - never deliberately, but suddenly it's a month since I said I'd see someone, and I haven't done it.

If, as your message implies, it's just one unreturned phone call and not dozens, I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just disorganised, and I would phone her or speak to her one more time and ask to make a firm plan (not just a vague suggestion) for a day for the children to get together and play. If she still dithers, or if you can't get a clear yes or no from her, then let it drop.

Pinotmum · 11/01/2006 11:04

My dd has a friend who's mum has left me feeling the same as you. She always seems pleased to see me and we exchanged numbers to arrange something. My dd is very fond of her dd ad really wants her to come to play. Her mum always makes excuses though and never follows up e.g oh we're going to blah but would XXX (my dd) like to come over next week. Her dd did come to my dd's party and we actually took her there as it was at a soft play centre and her mum had no car. The child is from muslim family and I assured her there would be no meat at the party so she knows I would never feed her dd inappropriate stuff. I just dont know if I should ask again.

getbakainyourjimjams · 11/01/2006 11:11

God I'm just like this other mother. I have every intention of meeting up with people, but with 3 children including a baby and a severely autistic son, and then work on top I often don't get round to actually organising it. If someone pins me down and says "lets make a date now" then I do, otherwise its just something else on the huge list. I wouldn't be offended I would just assume she was busy. I've been promising to take ds2 to a friends house since autumn half term, she's been promising to have him over. We haven't managed it yet.

beejay · 11/01/2006 11:29

Yes me too... I work full time and find it hard to juggle job/relationship/time with my dd-- there are a couple of kids in her class who i 'owe' playdates too but haven't yet got round to sorting out. Really mean to be more organised but like baka says it always seems to slip to the bottom of the list.... I know it's crap but it is absolutely not reflection on the other mothers/children

Enid · 11/01/2006 11:43

I could BE that other mother

probably not several years younger than you though

Tinker · 11/01/2006 11:47

She sounds like me. She could be shy. I'm ok talking when I'm face to face with people and put on the spot but feel shy about doing the ringing/arranging etc

muma3 · 11/01/2006 11:47

maybe her partner is very controlling and wont let her socialise with any other parents?
she may have the intention f meeting up but then when mentioned to her dh he refuses to let her have someone in the house ?
just am idea?

spacecadet · 11/01/2006 11:53

ive got to be honest and say that im abit like this mother, im dreadful at returning phone calls and have been known to say, azillion ti mes, oh we must get together for coffee, playdate etc, then dont get round to it, im a bit of a scatterbrain and have 4 kids.so i tend to not saythings, like oh yes, x can come and play on x date etc, but do things on the spur of the moment, ie, does x want to come and play now!
no wonder i have no friends

charliecat · 11/01/2006 11:59

I could be the other mum, I have school friends, bus friends, work friends and home friends. None ever crosses the other path!
I find it hard work socialising, having to be somewhere else on top of school/work/college courses/dentist appointments is a massive effort and I do maybe 1 playdate every 6 months, if that.
Is there a park near the school? Maybe when the weather gets better half an hour at the park straight after the school gates she would be up for it. Thats the best time to corner me

Twiglett · 11/01/2006 12:03

why don't you just ask if her DS would like to come for a playdate after school one evening thus giving her a bit of a break from school pick-up and time to concentrate on the younger ones

I don't think she means anything by it .. you said she was flaky she's just being flaky

RosiePosie · 11/01/2006 12:06

It could be as simple as she hates phones. Some people do - I'm one of them, for a valid reason - I have a stammer. I'm fine face to face with people, I can control it and people don't even realise I have one, but on the phone, I just can't talk - I don't make phone calls, it's as simple as that. I hate it when people give me their number and say "give me a call", because I know I won't. Many a blossoming friendship been ruined because of it. And I don't tell people that I can't phone them and the reason why, because people just don't understand - they think I haven't got a stammer, so why shouldn't I be able to use the phone. Answering the phone - I'm okay with, so maybe you could suggest you phone her - if her eyes light up at the suggestion then this could be the problem. . she just hates making phone calls. Phone her - she'll either be really happy you did, or fob you off, in which case she is just being flaky!

LJsmum · 11/01/2006 12:38

Tinker & RosiePosie, I did consider the fact that she might be shy or might not feel comfortable making the phone call. I don't know why but I just feel she doesn't have a whole lot of confidence, I mean I'm not exactly the most confident person in the world either but I've tried to push myself for ds' sake. I've made some lovely friendships now through playgroup etc, but it's been hard work for me as well because I'm not naturally extroverted. So that's why I said earlier that she might have some 'issues'. On the other hand I wonder if she's just trying to avoid me Oh well - not much point dwelling on it, is there. I'll see what happens next time I run into her.

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