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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

16 replies

lem73 · 19/12/2011 20:10

Last night my husband and I were discussing our kids and that we want them to stay close when they grow up. He said his parents raised him and his brother to be close and that was why his brother was more important than his wife (i.e. me). I was very upset but I stayed calm at the time and joked 'oh thanks very much.' However, all day, I have been thinking about it. We've been married fifteen years and have three kids, surely I should be more important than his brother??
I have had reason to doubt where I stand in the past. I find he is far too close to his parents and brother. They are always on the phone and he frequently texts them during the day.They also frequently visit (we live far away). Two months ago his parents and brother all came (his brother leaving his wife and son at home) and for two weeks I felt like a stranger in my own home. My husband took two days off work and they went off on day trips, pretending to invite me even though they knew I'd have to stay to pick up my kids from school.

They have made me hate Skype because they are always calling him on Skype in the evening. First his mother calls and stays for half an hour insisting on talking to the kids even though they were on their way to bed. Then ten minutes later his brother will call. It gets quite wearing, especially as my husband travels a lot and I feel we don't get enough family time anyway.
I have got used to how close my husband is to his family but I can't believe he could actually tell me to my face that his brother was more important than me. What does this say about our marriage?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 19/12/2011 20:13

They say blood is thicker than water.

KatieScarlett2833 · 19/12/2011 20:13

Mr Scarlett and his brother are extremely close, they are BFF and live 4 mins away. We see him (and my darling SIL and DNeph) several times a week. We holiday together, do Xmas together, etc.

However, I am by far the most important person (DC's excluded) in his life.

mumblechum1 · 19/12/2011 20:13

That would drive me nuts I'm afraid. My dh is at the other end of the spectrum from yours, he sees his mum for a duty visit once a year for a few hours (and isn't even doing that this yr), and sees his brother & their family maybe once every two years for two days.

Phones them maybe 4 times a year.

I can see why you feel left out.

eandz · 19/12/2011 20:21

No, I do not think this is normal.

LadyMedea · 19/12/2011 20:26

It sounds like this has become normal in your relationship.

While I'm not religious I go along with the Christian concept that marriage involves leaving your parents and making a new family with your DH which then becomes your primary family unit. It's nice to be close to your parents and parents in law but it sounds like your DH has placed the boundaries with his family well beyond where they should be, and inside your family.

This is going to be an incredibly tricky thing to approach as he seems very comfortable with the situation, but you are obviously not.

I certaintly wouldn't cope with a home invasion from family - his or mine - for that long. Phone calls interrupting kids bedtime would also be a no no. Speaking and texting regularly could be ok as long as he soends enough time and keeps in touch with you.

I would try speaking to him about a particular small aspect first - say the bedtime interruptions first. Lead with the 'I feel x x x because xxxx'. And have an alternative option ready... Then go from there. Marriage is all about negotiating and coming up with a solution you can both agree with

The other option is to talk in front of a counsellor or failing that a mutual friend to act as a mediator as I can imagine this may open a can of worms.

fuzzynavel · 19/12/2011 20:31

Well there is close and "there is close"

Why on earth would he tell you he's closer to his brother than you

Blimey, you've been married umpteen years and only now are you questioning this, seems quite odd really

Are you in a loving relationship?

Sparks1 · 19/12/2011 20:33

Personally i'm neither distant or that close to my immediate family.

What i don't understand about your predicament is how it's taken 15 years of marriage for this problem to materialise! Assuming his behaviour has been consistent then surely his mindset must have been clear for some time?

I do agree though, to say a sibling is more important to him than you is at best untactful and at worst extremely hurtful.

RandomMess · 19/12/2011 20:36

Leaving and cleaving.

Take away any beliefs or faith and erm well it's in there for a reason, he is way too close to his family because it is at the exclusions of you.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 19/12/2011 21:14

Well I'm very close to my parents and sister. I would say I am equally close to them as I am to DH and they are all equally important. I wouldn't even know where to start if someone asked me to rank them.

I talk to my parents or sister every night and would resent DH if he said I couldn't

However, the holiday thing is odd. Now I am married and have kids we are all included. We never spend time as a 'nuclear' family.

Tell him that he has hurt you - you are his wife, you have a family. You don't expect to be more important but you don't expect to be playing second fiddle

lem73 · 19/12/2011 21:30

I have been questioning where I stand for a long time but wondered if I am being paranoid. He has now given me proof.
I respect people being close to siblings but I don't know why he has even considered who is more important. Surely they are different kinds of relationship. I don't want to confront him now as we are so close to Xmas but I don't want it to fester either.

OP posts:
eandz · 20/12/2011 00:26

Lem73

How would you like your dh to rate everyone's importance and how do you think you can achieve it?

eandz · 20/12/2011 00:27

Also, where does his father and grandparents stand relatively in the eyes of his DM and DB?

Janni · 20/12/2011 00:40

To me, it would be very difficult to have a happy, successful marriage under these circumstances because you seem to come behind his parents and brother in his list of priorities. I would be thinking about couple therapy.

Alicious · 20/12/2011 00:52

Agree that it is a bit odd to try to prioritize people's importance-a relationship with a sibling and with a partner aren't really comparable imo

What do you want to do about it OP? Are there other reasons you have been questioning where you stand?

AlfalfaMum · 20/12/2011 00:57

Not normal, and very hurtful too. Is he usually this cruel?

CuriousMama · 20/12/2011 00:58

Shock I think I've heard it all now. So sorry for you I'd hate that Sad

How have you put up with it for all these years? And the comment is terrible, what a strange thing to say.

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