Relationship with Step Mother - sorry long!

[kaansmum]

Sorry in advance for the length of this but I need to set the scene. Here goes....

My sister and I are in the middle of a dilemma. We are 39 and 43 respecitively and have just lost our father at Christmas. Now we didn't have a particularly close relationship with him as he left us and our mother for another woman when we were 6 and 10 but we always kept up almost weekly contact with him ever since. He never did what I'd call proper "dad" stuff but was constantly in our lives.

The problem comes with his second wife. We were never introduced to her or had any contact with her, to the point that our Father would always refer to himelf in the singular when discussing what he was doing in his life - i.e "I'm going on holiday next week" - never "we are". We knew of her existence and he obviously knew we knew but there was this sort of unspoken tacit agreement between us that we never discussed it. We never visited his home and never went anywhere with him. Access visits with us were always at his mother's house and latterly in adulthood in our own homes. God knows what sort of kids we were but we never raised this, or his general treatment of us and failure to involve us in any way in his "other" life, with him. This arrangement went on for 30 or so years until my sister actually met his wife briefly at a family funeral which I didn't attend. Apparently she was perfectly nice and civil and my sister spoke to her once or twice briefly on the telephone since then when phoning to speak to our father. I never met her.

Then on Dec 8 last year very suddenly my father had a stroke. It was discovered a day or two later that he was terminally ill with cancer and was given days to live. During this time circumstances dictated that we had to meet his wife as we were thrown together in deathbed scenes etc. He died on Christmas day and she then involved us fully in his funeral arrangements etc. This was, as I'm sure you'll appreciate a very bizzaire experience to say the very least. It was during the very first conversation I ever had with his wife that she told me he was going to die and the very first time I visited his house was to meet the funeral director to arrange his funeral.

We have to say that his wife did behave impeccably throughout. She always appeared to be very thoughtful and sensitive to us and was clearly unsure of the nature of the relationship we had with our father. She always hugged and kissed us and was kind to us.

The problem now is that at the funeral she gave us each a gift wrapped framed photo of our father with a note expressing how much she regretted never knowing us and hoping our relationship would grow and deepen in the future. However, we're not at all sure about this. We don't know if we want to but feel very awkward about it all. The relationship at the moment is on an extremely polite sort of basis and we are aware that she is grieving for our Father - her husband of over 30 years. They didn't have any children together so she is alone although she does have many close friends who are like family to her. She has never featured in our lives until now and didn't appear to want to either. We don't know the truth of what happened in the beginning and why they chose to exclude us from their lives as they did and this is obviously very much to the forefronts of our minds now. The cold hard fact is can we be bothered to make an effort for this woman as nice as she may be when there really appears to be no point now that our father is gone? It all seems to be too little too late.

Any advice from wise people would be great.

you don't know why your father chose to separate the 2 parts of his life, maybe he felt it was easier, maybe they tried for children together but were unable and it was too painful for her/him/them, maybe they didnt want to hurt you, or any one of a million reasons. with your father gone, this woman may be your only way to get an answer, if an answer is what you want.

Perhaps she sees you are the only physical link with her husband and she is reaching out in her grief to that link.

You might also learn a lot about your father from her, she has 30 years of memories to share with you.

In answer to your question can you be bothered to make an effort for this woman, i would ask can you find it in your heart to connect with another human being who is feeling the same pain and loss as you are, if that might comfort you both?

xx and peace with whatever you decide is right for you.

Excellent post MTPW - lots of good points there

So sorry about your Dad kaansmum

As a stepmum with no children, I would say why not give it a try and see how it goes? If it doesn't work out then you don't have to maintain contact but if you don't try you'll never know

wow, kaansmum, you are in an interesting place with this one. so sorry to hear about your dad. Not that I'm putting myself up as a wise person, but my view would be to be kind to yourself and NOT expect to be able to make a firm decision about this, all of a sudden.

I think if it were me I would simply make contact by phone with this lady. As you say, she was married to your father for a long time; she was sensitive and pleasant to deal with at a difficult time and didn't seem to put a foot wrong as regards including you in the funeral arrangements - so as one human being to another, a phone call to check how she is getting on would be quite in order. If she then wishes to take it further, she can ask to meet you. If you feel odd about it, say to her you're really pushed for time at the moment but will phone again. If you have mobiles, texting might be a good way to keep in touch occasionally without requiring too much emotional input!!!

You might find you do want to meet her, who knows? And if you want to you can keep it under control by suggesting 'the same day in a couple of months?' or something like that. You don't have to become weekly visitors!!

Sounds to me like you have lots of unanswered questions about your dad that she could help you with - you may not want to go there, but it's just a thought.

I suppose it depends on her role in your parents' break-up. Was she the woman your dad left your mum for? Is your mum still around and likely to be hurt by any contact with her if she was? If she wasn't the cause of the split, then perhaps your mum has no strong feelings about the matter.

Personally, I feel that she is reaching out to you as the daughters of the man she loved for a very long time and perhaps she feels some connection with you. It may well have been your dad's decision to keep you apart all these years. She may have wanted to know you throughout their marriage but didn't feel she could go against her husband's wishes.

She is grieving as much as you and I feel that any human warmth in that situation would be welcome. It doesn't mean that you must instantly become close friends, but offering her some comfort and friendship at this time might bring you all some rewards.

Thanks so much to all who have contributed here, your viewpoints are really welcome. Sorry I'm going to ramble on again .

We've now met our stepmother a few times but the problem is that although she's thoroughly pleasant and easy to talk to, she does seem at times a little insensitive to our situation and feelings. I'll give a couple of examples. At the funeral our father's god-daughter gave a eulogy and in it she made several references to the wonderful memories she had of times she'd spent on holidays with her parents and sister and our father and his wife, camping and at Disney in Florida etc. We don't have any memories like these ourselves because of our exclusion from his life and it was extremely hard to hear these things, especially at his funeral. At the wake our stepmother made no effort to introduce us to the god-daughter and has since said to us that she felt she was so brave etc to give the eulogy. Her thoughts seem to be with the god-daughter and it doesn't appear to occur to her that some of the the content of her speech could have been quite understandably upsetting for us although many other family members fully appreciated this. She has also since openly told us that her and our father regularly invited the (now adult) children of two sets of friends to stay for holidays, some even bringing their friends too. Again, although we have always only lived just 7 miles up the road from them, we were never invited to their home in over 30 years. We know (via an aunt)that they remained childless themselves out of choice.

We also know that she has told our aunt that our mother was "difficult" in the beginning and that it was "easier to back off". My mother is adamant that she was difficult only in the sense that she refused to give our father a divorce but never was where access to us was concerned. We are inclined to believe her because it is hard for us to take on board that he was willing to make no effort for us for all those years yet was quite happy to with other peoples' children. We weren't under our mother's influence for that long and he could have tried to forge a closer relationship with us, say in our late teens and into adulthood but he didn't bother. Had he done so we could potentially have had a relationship of 20 or so years standing with our stepmother by now. We appreciate that this is not her fault but it is clear that neither her or our father really wanted us in their lives fully then so why does she now? Is it just for purely selfish reasons to feel closer to our father through us or out of guilt for their treatment of us over the years? I don't know if either of these reasons are valid ones for deserving to have us in her life now.

I know some have said that we could reach out to her in her grief and show humility but how could the two of them treat us as they did for all those years with no conscience?

I hope that someone can perhaps understand how we might be feeling and how odd it feels that we could now become part of her life when she was happy to almost deny our existence for so many years. We both also feel that it makes us look a bit gutless that after years of the exclusion we have endured we should just fall into line and treat this woman like a long lost friend and not raise any questions about the past because it might be inappropriate and the upshot of it might be to blacken our father's name or that it might in some way be perceived as being disrespectful to his memory.

Our gut feeling is that this just doesn't feel comfortable or natural and we both dread her phone calls. Is it easier to back off? The question is, if yes, how do we manage to do it in a way that's not messy?!!

Would it help to write her a letter explaining how you feel and asking her to answer questions about why she and your father treated you as they did yet were happy to have other children in their lives?

Her response might well decide how you progress in this relationship.

Good idea Freckle. I can only aadd that you seem to have a lot of questions for her and maybe you need to clear these up and be honest about things before you decide what to do. Tell her how you feel it wont do any harm and let her know you have been hurt.

Kaansmum, what an awful situation you find yourself in. I would say that what is needed here is some straight talking.

Unfortunately it does seem that it was your father who chose not to fully include you both in his new life and for that you have every right to feel angry. No matter whether or not she wanted to spend time with you, the onus was on him to do it. It is unlikely that this woman was actively against meeting you, her reaction over the death and funeral would have been much different if that was the case.

I think that in alot of cases grief often comes with rose coloured hindsight. She is remembering him as perfect and glossing over the huge fact that he had 2 children she never met. This is a luxury that your are not allowed.

If I was in your difficult position I would try to explain that you are uncomfortable with the situation at the moment, it is after all very recent. I would tell her that you need time and that you will contact her in a couple of months. Don't rule out that you could have a decent (but unusual) relationship with her in the future at some stage but just tell her you are not ready now.

I think you need to take the power back in this situation, simply ask her not to call and don't worry about hurting her feelings.

This is such a difficult situation. The reality is, that no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and unless you ask your step-mother outright why she and your father never maintained a relationship with you and your sister, any reasons will be based purely on supposition. You say that an aunt said that your mother was difficult? Could it be that this was what your father told your stepmother in order to excuse his reasons for not maintaining contact? I know that?s potentially a hard thing to take on board, but it just seems strange that they obviously had no issue with children as they had other peoples? children to stay and not your father?s own children. If your stepmother thought that your mother had not allowed access, then she would have no reason to want to invite you and your sister to stay, as, as far as she was aware, this may not have been allowed. This would seem like one of the more logical explanations, as much as it might hurt to know that. Was your parents? split a very bitter one? If so that might explain a lot also.

Whilst I understand that the comments made after the eulogy were somewhat insensitive, your stepmother may not have realized this, after all, your father didn?t have a relationship with you and therefore she would feel more for the god-daughter than for you and your sister, this is not meant to sound insensitive at all ? I?m just trying to put it into context.

My advice would be to write a letter to your stepmother. Tell her that although you understand that you both share the same grief now, you have not had a relationship with her for 30 years, and really, why does she feel the need to start a relationship with you at this time. Explain to her that your father never spoke about her to you, and although you knew she existed, his and her relationship was something that you never discussed. And then ask outright why you were never allowed to be a part of their lives, when they so clearly allowed other children to stay with them etc.

I would also have a very honest discussion with your own mother. If your father left your mother for this woman, is it possible that your mum agreed to access only on condition that this woman never had anything to do with you? I know of a lot of people who, when their partners leave for someone else, they are very bitter towards the third party and often do not want him/her to have anything to do with their children. As your access visits were conducted at your paternal grandmother?s hous, it sounds like this may have been the case.

I think you?re right in that bringing all this up may cause a lot of hurt, but I really think that if you don?t seak answers you will never get closure. When you have the answers yoou need, you can then decide whether you really want a relationship with a woman who has meant nothing to you for the past 30 years. And if you decide you don't want a relationship with her, then that is your decidion and you should make that decision without any guilt.

Good luck xx

Thanks so much again. You have all raised good points.

Both my sister and I totally lay the blame for all of this squarely at our father's feet. We believe that our stepmother was probably of the view at the time that she would support our father in whatever he thought best to do where we were concerned. We don't blame her, after all she didn't know us at all and couldn't really be expected to feel for us, but we both feel that we ourselves wouldn't think much of a bloke who could do this to his own children. Then again we are both mothers ourselves whereas she is not, so perhaps she couldn't realistically be expected to have the same feelings for children, especially those she'd never met, that we might have as mothers IYSWIM. We don't believe that she can have thought that our mother stopped him from seeing us and that he really wanted to. She is by no means stupid and surely would have realised that had he wanted to he could have fought our mother over the issue through the courts or at the very least made amends once we were old enough to know our own minds and speak for ourselves. He did neither. We think she is fully aware that it was his own personal choice to exclude us as he did but that his choice really didn't bother her because it had no adverse effect upon her, or their, life. In short, we believe it was totally his choice to exclude us, she knew that and supported him in it.

I think everyone is right in saying here that before we proceed we really need to get to the bottom of it and should really get all of what has happened in the past out in the open. We can't really move on with her unless we do and until we do it is a bit like trying not to mention that there is an elephant in the room when there very clearly is! The main problem is that of timing. We are aware that she is still very much in the first flush of bereavement and widowhood - although she never seems tearful or breaks down and on the contrary seems very together and in control - and we don't know if this is a good time to bring it all up. I am all too aware of the bad thoughts I've harboured about my father over the years and if I say my piece she could very well be upset by what she hears. It may be a case for her of us adding insult to injury and we could then be unfairly and harshly judged by others which we don't deserve. Some might think we should just get on and say it regardless and let whatever will be just be.

I was speaking to my sister today and we actually discussed just not making any effort to contact her ourselves in the hope that, although she might continue to try to maintain contact with us, she might eventually get the message that we're just not interested and let things go back to how they have always been - no contact whatsoever. This might sound cruel but is it any more or less cruel than forcing her to hear the things we have to say about how we really feel about how our father acted towards us? Is it worth all the upset and trauma it's bound to cause? Perhaps we're better off just letting this whole sorry saga die with him becuse although it sounds from what I've written here that it's driven us over the years to become real basket cases, to be honest we've just accepted it and lived with it and been astonishingly untouched by it. It's just that what has happened over the last 5 weeks seems to have stirred up a bit of a hornets nest.

Seems like it's still a mess!