Can't shake the horrible feeling of rejection

[chocolatepuff]

hi there. Ex dp and I split 7 months ago. He basically said it wasn't working for him. He felt we had 'run our course'. I just find it so bizarre.. Although the relationship was bad I think I just hoped it would improve once our dd was a bit older. Since dd was born he never really wanted to have sex ( I don't think it's me becoming a mum though as he wasnt really up for it before I got pregnant, though he used to go alongwith it wen I initiated it) in our break up discussions he said he would dreAd me coming onto him as he just would not be up for it. And since dd's been here he prettymuch has pushed away all my advances. We went to relate About it as I couldn't live I a sexless relationship. Not much came of it other than him saying he missed the chase at the beginning, and that he wasn't used to long term relationships as I was his first proper girlfriend. Things didn't change and we broke up, after him admitting he'd not felt the same about me since even before I got pregnant with dd and he could never imagine us staying together. Shit just feels so hurtful. I'd love to know why he thinks I'm so undesirable. We get on so-so,recently I (stupidly) probed him about his love life and found out he'd slept with 2 women. I feel so awful and wish he'd love me again.
Not sure why I'm writing this down to be honest. Anyone who has taken time to read and has any advice on how to get over this would be v appreciated. X

He sounds really limited. I know that's a crude way to say it, but that's the most accurate way I can find.
Limited
Immature
Selfish

Sadly, HE hasn't been up to changing those things about himself. And he's the only one who could be expected to.
You couldn't have foreseen how he just hasn't been up to the challenge of adult responsibilities, basically. And it sounds as if it's those that he's rejected, really.

Thank you plumpdog, limited is an apt description of him! It's just really painful to see him have no feelings for me whatsoever (you know you can just tell) he's so over me.. I'm so not I'm so hurt and angry and sad. He said the other day, jokily, 'feel free to jog on and meet someone, I'd feel bad if I met someone first so by all means go ahead!'to which I explained I wasn't ready for a relationship. I know he's an immature prat.. My logical mind can see that. But I just cantshake this horrible rejection from him. Ridiculously, I want to look nice wen be comes go collect/drop off dd. I kno it's pathetic.

Nothing pathetic about wanting to look good if it's your way of showing him and yourself that you're moving on just fine, IYSWIM.
But you've got to find a way of persuading your feelings to agree with your rational mind. Not necessarily that easy, especially in the middle of winter when it's natural just to miss company and a physical presence, however, flawed that individual was and is. That's the difficult bit. Escpecially at this time of year.
And it might be easier if there wasn't still the connection through DD.
You sound as if you've got a good handle on the situation, even if you are being slightly critical of yourself. It doesn't sound as if you are actually being pathetic. You sound level headed.

I'm not surprised you feel like this op but when you do get over him (and I'm sure you will), you will realise that the loss is all his. Bet you if you got a new man he's come craling back. Not that you should start dating right now. Get strong on your own and focus on your lovely dd.

Repeat; I can do better until you convince yourself you can. So can your dd.

Yes December / winter has felt pretty grim so far.. It is a hard time of year, seeing lots of couples and fAmilies out and about. and thank you - I don't think I've ever been called level headed! Inside I feel like I could burst with it all. Really must buy a punch bag to thrash out on..!

Honestly OP don't quiz him about what he's up to. You'll end up using his answers to define how you feel about yourself and how you feel generally. If he tells you he's single and lonely, you'll feel a teeny bit elated. If he tells you he's with someone, well you know how that feels.

I speak from bitter experience and I know it's really tough, esp. with DD but I think you need to start separating yourself emotionally a bit. I think, and again this is only from experience, that once there's a bit of emotional distance you can start re-building and feeling a bit better.

Thanks toptramp, I have daydreamed about meeting someone and rubbing his face in it! I'd love to but on the other hAnd , I don't want to hurt him as I still hAve feelings for him. It's so easy to forget what a knob he really was in the relationship and just feel heartbroken over lost love. Good to remember a d keep perspective..

Sound advice from smells.
He's got a lot of growing up to do and he may be some time. Best that you don't try and second guess what his rocky journey will be or when it starts, just concentrate on your own.
Good night and good luck!

Yeah know what you mean smellsof, up until recently I thought it was important for our dd to see us spending time together, I.e him staying for tea/ dinner etc. I realised this was not good for me emotionally so hAvstopped it. He doesn't come in the house now just a civil 'hiya, right dd daddy's here! Coat on!' i know its only a small thing but it feels quite empowering

imo you're feeling intense rejection because that's what he did - he intensely rejected you. We all have a primal fear of rejection and he laid it on in spades, telling you he hadn't loved you for blah amount of time, really laying it on how much he doesn't want to know. I mean, sheesh! NOBODY would be able to handle that, it's rejection to the max. It sounds like he's not quite all there tbh. He says he liked to chase at the beginning - well yes, it's great, but that's not all there is! Adults recognise that that's not all there is, that there's more to it; there's commitment for a start. He sounds a complete headfuck and I'm not surprised you're struggling with intense feelings of rejection and wanting that particular sun to shine again - he's set it up like that really. I do hope you are able to get through this lovesick stage and recognise him for what he is - inadequate. Did he make you feel you were the best thing in the world when you met him?

Not sure why you are wasting your time thinking nice things about this total loser.
How could he have made a child with you knowing what he knew back then about how he felt - if indeed he knows how to feel - and then leave you to cope with something that is for life.
This is one of those threads that I can't hang around on.
It sounds like you still love this knob.
Good luck.

Thanks springy, it helps to be reminded that he is the inadequate one. No, to be honest he didn't make me feel good at the beginning, infAct quite the opposite he was (even more of) an immature knob. Alot of my current strong feelings are my disappointment and anger in myself for choosing such a boy to father my child.. How could my denial glasses have been so thick?! How can I forgive myself for that.. He may be all those things but I chose him..

Baypolar- this thread is helping me remember what a shit he is and reminding me he is not what I want. When all thoughts are in my head they just seemed to focus on him remembering him being lovely.. It's so useful to get perspective!

I'm really sorry you're hurting OP but it's time to let go.

You've had seven months of feeling heartbroken and rotten - enough now huh?

You do have a measure of control over your own thoughts and feelings you know. Getting over people isn't always something that happens magically on its own - it can require some effort. Keep busy. Stop fantasising about him, and about meeting someone else just so that you can rub his face in it. He won't be hurt by that because he doesn't want you. You are worth so much more than pining over someone who doesn't care.

Have a look at the site Baggage Reclaim. The woman who writes that blog talks a huge amount of sense about relationships, boundaries and self esteem. If you search through the blog posts you will find practical tips on how to get over someone when you are still lost and floundering in your own pain.

Come on OP - it's time to dig deep and find your mettle. You can do it. We're all behind you. The sooner you get this man out of your head and out of your heart the happier you will be.

Thank you make! I'm willing to do all I can to get over this and move on, but... How? What exactly to do, I'll try and keep focused on other things. Baggage reclaim is great too, thank u. He just rang me and told me he'd booked me a massage for Thursday. His way of absolving guilt? My initial reaction was no thanx, it's not appropriate. But I do love a massage! I'm nit comfortable with him being nice, it feels loaded, like it's him trying to do the 'right thing' as opposed to a genuine gift..

I'm embarrassed to post this but are you used to trying to get someone to give you attention and love you in the way you should be loved? ... hanging around, trying to make something out of nothing (much)? Unable to cope, feeling deeply undermined, when the goods aren't forthcoming? By that I mean a parent - as it's usually a parent who didn't come up with the goods and one is left with that imprint, continually trying to get our needs met in a way that just doesn't work . If so, join the club.

Springy that rings very true. Absent father syndrome! I thought I was aware of it though, I thought because I acknowledged it, it wasn't playing out for me. Just at work will b bk

Unfortunately, it does play out, whether you could write a thesis on it or not makes no difference. I suppose it takes something like this to make you realise it's alive and well [glum] BUT at least it's a wake-up call and gives you a very good idea of your internal landscape ie an exact profile you could work on? I'd recommend going through it with a therapist though, if you can.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment. It's kind of good, but I still feel a bit 'what's the point, why am I here moaning there's loads worse off than me' so when she suggests trauma from my eRly childhood and abandonment issues, it mAkes me squirm a bit.. It's all so THERAPY! I've been seeing her since thesummer too so quite a while. Just doesn't feel like my upbringing and experiences justifies my insecurities. Which is pointless to think I know.

Chocolate and Springy that will make three of us.

It was my mum who left the family home and didn't take me with her, and although I've always seen her regularly and had a relationship with her, I never lived with her again. She got together with someone else and started a new family and I knew I was not really welcome (despite her words to the contrary.)

It still takes every bloody ounce of my willpower not to chase after people who show by their actions and/or words that they are not that into me. I know I'm acting out old childhood issues and trying to make it 'right' by winning the person over and yet I still instinctively want to do it!

Change is possible though - and I think we have to change the behaviour before we can expect to change how we feel. Sometimes I think that people get it backwards when they say, 'work on your self-esteem then your relationships will improve.' I think it's the other way around. You have to act as though you have self-esteem and act relationship smart, even though it goes against the grain, and then your real self-esteem and confidence will grow from there if you see what I mean? As a result your relationships will then start to improve.

Does that make sense?

makes perfect sense damndinner! wow.

Here I am again, playing amateur psychologist. here goes then: did somebody minimise your emotional pain, tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself/be grateful. plenty have it worse off than you etc.

imo if you've had some putrid stuff pumped into you at a formative age, unfortunately you've got to go back and undo all that shit bit by bit. It feels like carving emotional health out of rock sometimes but imo it is SO worth it. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child. You will not be able to help passing on the exact same messages, even if you think you have a handle on it and can control it. You - we, let's be fair - have to excavate that stuff and change it, and that means facing it and taking time to work through it (btw 4/5 months or so is no time to be doing the excavation work, it usually takes longer than that). I know the horror when the way we behave makes it clear that that shit is still alive and kicking but, as I said, it does give us some ace clues about what is actually there. As damndinner says, acting in a healthy way will also help to tackle it from both ends, as it were.

Damndinner - that sounds like good advice, I'm going to work on altering my behaviour and acting out only what's best for me and dd ( and not for the benefit of pleasing anyone else ie him) feels impossible but also A little thrilling to think I could be an assertive person just by pretending! How unusual to authentically put your needs first eh.

Springy - good analysis! An angry occasionally violent mother who would invalidate, mock, and belittle my feelings. I feel so guilty saying that. What's wierd is I know my sister who is close in age to me, has a totally different view of things, (not that I've discussed this with her) but she and mum are very close now and always have been. (I always felt closer to my dad) and when we've spoken bout our childhood she has this idyllic picture of how it was, so distant from my own. It makes me think I must be exaggeratng how bad it was.

oh don't think that! my siblings have completely different views of our parents and family life - and that includes my twin, who sees everything in a totally different light to me. I don't think it entirely means we interpretted things differently, I think a lot of it could be family roles? My family role has been the scapegoat, so my family life has been a markedly different experience to my other siblings.

My family life was (and is) dire but my siblings don't think so (probably because they were quite happy with me carrying the can the entire fucking time [grinds teeth]). There's a lot of denial that goes on in toxic families. And, anyway, what you experienced you experienced, whether anybody else thinks you did or not. A therapist can help you get in touch with what really went on from your perspective.

I don't know if you've done any boundaries work but I'd recommend it, at least for analysing what you do and don't want, and why; recognising when you aren't setting boundaries; how to set boundaries in a healthy way. I have found is groundbreaking.

Springy youre right there is so much denial.. (sister has an alcohol problem that our mum wont ackowledge) but i guess i dont need anyone elses validation to feel how i feel about it. and its feeling ok about not having this big 'lets get it all out in the open and talk about how crap it is' with my mum/sis/dad, as their experiences will all be different.
No Ive never done boundaries work, sounds interesting!? is it just finding out what you want and what your needs are, and protecting them?
thank you for sharing stuff too