I am so miserable

[CJ2010]

My background: been with DP for nearly 4 Years and we have two DC's both under 2 yrs old.

Lately I have been feeling really miserable and unhappy. I am a SAHM, which I love most of the time but I also feel that I would live to have a job, I miss the banter and using my brain, altho I realise that work can be shit sometimes!

The DC's are wonderful but completely full on and exhausting. They have been ill with various bugs recently and I have caught them ad well. So I feel really run down.

My main issue is with DP. I feel that we have lost our closeness and we are now very snappy and snipy with each other. He is drinking a lot more now. He drank a lot at the beginning of our relationship but it has started back up again which I find unsettling. He also confessed to me, whilst I was pregnant with DC2, that he has used cocaine, which really shocked me and tbh, I lost a lot of respect for him. I asked him when he last did it but he said he 'couldn't remember'. He has got a few different sets if mates and he said he took the coke with his football mates, who he still sees and funnily enough, I have never been introduced to.

Basically I'm feeling very insecure and vulnerable, stuck at home with two babies. I have a feeling of impending doom that DP and I will split soon and I'm really scared about how I will cope.

Financially it's not good for me. We are privately renting and I have 5k to my name. He sold his old flat recently and all the proceeds are in his bank account.

I keep bursting into tears. I'm so unhappy. Any advice gratefully received.

Poor you.
Is he helpful with the kids and house or does he leave it all to you ? What I would do in your place -get a part time job,use the wages to pay for childcare and a cleaner (optional!) And work on your own happiness and independence. Start an exercise regime, take up a hobby, study something -become less dependent on him and you will either start to relate better to each other, or you will be in a far better position if you do split.

Oh, total sympathy - I've been there (many years ago). You need to talk, you need to get your relationship back on track, Do you have anyone who could have the DCs for a couple of hours whilst you go our for lunch? A 'date' if you like.

Men are simple creatures - and I'd guess he is feeling 'left out'. OK, so that was TIC - but really, it is very easy, when you have full-on 'mothering' to ignore the needs of DP. They go from being the MOST important person in our lives - to being relegated to 2nd place by the baby - which is fine - providing you remember to talk to the daddy. And it is not a one-way street - he has to remember that you are bloody tired for most of the time.

I didn't want to see your post go unanswered.

You sound very depressed to be honest. Can you go to your HV or GP and ask for some help in dealing with your situation? What about family? Do you have anyone locally you can get support from?

It so very hard being at home with small DC and I think people often don't recognise how hard it is.

Do you still love each other?

Would you consider getting counseling? Or, could you go away for a weekend without the DC to 'reconnect'?

I have to say, if you have 5K to your name, that is lots more than many women who split from their partners. You would be fine. But if you don't want to split, there are many things you can do to try to get things back on track first.

You don't mention whether you want to stay together? What makes you unhappy, the relationship as it is and staying in it, or the possibility of a split?

A bit of couple time would really help, I think, if you can sort childcare, also, a bit of 'me time', for yourself, to give you a bit of a break. even if it's just an hour you can go out for a coffee or similar, or go the gym, etc, with a friend?

Surprising how just a bit of a break from the routine can work wonders and really cheer you up. It doesn't sound like you have much to look forward to - create something!

*I wonder if you are picking up something tbh, a feeling that something isn't right here. I'm personally a bit suspicious of him saying he 'can't remember' when he last used coke - I think he will be very well aware of when he last (?) did. Being in a relationship with a drinker can also make you feel quite nutty, in that things aren't what they seem - the drinker can present a reality that just isn't true, is skewed in some way. I'm not putting this very well - what I'm really saying is that I think you are aware on some level that things aren't right, and I think you need to run with that. I think that talking to him about it may not get you very far - it may be down to you to withdraw a bit and put your sherlock hat on? Meanwhile, get some support, take a good tonic to beat the post-bug blues, get some exercise (can't stress enough the huge effect exercise can have on mental health). Can you organise a break of some kind, a change of scenery? Do you have family/friends you can visit? I think you need to get some fresh air into your life somehow - when did you last have a holiday? A counsellor would be a good idea too, just to lay your thoughts and feelings out and have an objective look, with a supportive ear, at what's going on with you.

*I'm hesitating to post this - I wouldn't post this to any old anybody, it is just the impression I get from your posts.

Springydaffs- you have hit the nail on the head. I'm a firm believer in going with your intuition but you do sometimes wonder if you are just being mental! Like I do at the moment. I have been questioning myself ie. my intuition, asking myself 'am I depressed?' 'could it be PND?' but the fact of the matter is, I feel absolutely fine, albeit exhausted and run down. This has happened to me a lot over the years, I get a bad feeling inside me, which is if course my intuition trying to warn me of something and I have either ignored it (disaster) or I have listened (right thing to do)

I def need to start building a life away from the home for my DC's sakes, to gain some inner stenghth. I'm losing my confidence being at home.

Thank you all for your messages, they are really helping. Had an exhausting night with the DC's so feeling tired and ill now.