Parents live far away and now my dad is ill. What do I do now?

[KathMCB]

Brief background

My parents are retired and live in a remote part of West Ireland. Really hard to get to. I live in North East England with my 11 month old. My dad has just taken ill. He has been in hospital all week and will probably be in for Xmas. I have a distant relationship with them, they have met their grandson five times since he was born and I have been over once. I miss them a lot but they have made a decision a while ago to distance themselves from people and they like it that way. Me and my three sisters always felt that it would an issue only when my dad (who is a lot older than my mum) got older.

Well now it looks like he has cancer (still doing tests but it is likely) and II think my mum is realising that she is far away. I dont know what to do now. I should go over but I dont want to drive my son all the way over. I could fly over but cost is an issue (flights are now £250 just for me) and am I jumping the gun? To complicate it further I am four weeks into a new job so have no holidays or leway to be off a lot.

Sorry to go on. Any advice or similar situation in the past?

I havew been in that situation with my GP and my parents.
I think there are 2 issues here.
One you would like to be close to your dad which is understandable.
Two your parents are far away, chose to do so, which make any trip etc difficult.

I would say that your main priority atm has to be with your own family. You have a new job, there are some money issues and you need to take that into account before doing anything. It looks like you won't be able to go just now and I think it is OK.
What you can do is to phone your mum and dad, take some news, have a chat for 30 min with your dad if he is getting bored in hospital etc.. Talk to your mum and see if you can give her some emotional support over the phone or if there is anything you can help with from where you are.
IMO, your parents chose to live far away so you are not responsible of the fact you can't visit as easily.

Finally, if your dad actually has cancer, you will probably find that there will be a lot of other opportunities for you to vist, time when they might actually need more help than they do just right now.
Take it one day at the time and evaluate the need for you to be there. Perhaps see with your siblings too if you have some sort of rota.

It is hard to be far away :(

Thank you so much for the reply. Have actually just spent 20mins on Skype with my mum. She was saying that she had arranged for a car seat and travel cot from a neighbour just in case I was going to come over. I explained that that I wanted to come over when I was most use and that I did not want to take DS away from the relatively new routine of Childcare I have arranged and that flights/ferries were now about £300. That said if she had asked I would have come over. I think you are right, I need to put my wee one first and come over when it is right. I have called my dad every day in the hospital but he is not the biggest talker at the best of times and just says he wants to be back home.

Thank you for your advice. It is hard to be far away but it has been a long running debate between me and my sisters that this time would come and we just need to manage it. What i will not be is guilt tripped into leaving my son for his first Xmas.

One day at a time

Could you leave your ds with your dp/dh and go visit for a long weekend to go visit as soon as possible?

and fwiw, your words 'will not be guilt tripped into leaving my son for his first Xmas' are quite breathtaking really. I'm sure both your parents are terrified at the current possible diagnosis and 'guilt tripping' you is surely the furthest thing from their minds.

I agree with you Earlybird. Quite breathtaking. He won't even remember it a week later, OP, for god's sake.

It's hardly as though your parents are demanding people, is it?

Early, I have seen that sort of things happening in my family. I was obvioulsy much older but there has been some guilt going on on both sides: my mum feeling guilty not to be able to do more than she wasa doing - we were living much further away and couldn't have done come for a long weekend, and my GPs feeling that their dcs should 'be there' at that time.

The thing is, the Op's soon will not remember whether his mum was there on that first christmas but she and her H will. It is something important for them obviously and I get the feeling that there is a lot of pressure in the family to go there and 'be there for their parents'.

The comment about 'not being guilt tripped' makes me think that the debate has been long running between the siblings on what should be done and that one should take a plane to spend time with the parents asap. Hence the guilt about not being able to jump in the first plane.

With not a lot of time available to spend on hols/leave and a big issue with cost of the flight, I would keep that for a time when it will be very much needed. It might be now. Or it might be in 4 or 5 months time (I know that for me, we actually organized a trip to go and see my GPs a few months later as my grandad had a terminal cancer. This was an opportunity to say goodbye. My mum could have chosen to go earlier when the diagnosis was done but then we would all have missed that time together when we knew we wouldn't see each other again). It is up to the Op to evaluate that depending on how her parents are reacting.

The OP hasn't stated that it is her parents that are asking her to go over. Pressure can come from the siblings too (or from herself and what is supposed to happen in these circumstances).

I would ask what sort of help your parents actually want and see what they would find the most helpfull. If they chose to be far away, they might not like it to have all 4 children coming to see them all at once!
See they have made a decision a while ago to distance themselves from people and they like it that way

I don't think all 4 siblings need to make the trip to visit at this time, but surely each can take a turn, spacing it out, to go support your parents (practically and emotionally)?

OP - are your parents in a financial position to help with transport costs for you or your sisters (though perhaps sisters have easier schedules/finances than OP)?

Hi all.

My folks are not in a position to help. I think it might help if I explain that we have not always got on with my folks and that I am feeling like now they want us all to come and look after them even though they have moved so far away. Of course I want to be with my dad when he is like this, I want to be there for both of them and feel really guilty that I cant. I have said to them that if the time comes then they can move in with me and DH so we can look after them. What I am finding difficult is my mum saying how she is all alone this Christmas and that she misses is all. I know she does but I need to go over there when I can be of most use and when I will not add more hassle to my mum with me and a one year old and DH in a small house. And while you may not think that people could guilt trip at a time like this I have been very astounded at some of my mum's comments. I will be there for my dad when he needs me. But I also need to judge the right time. I can't afford to not have a job so need to pick the right moment as my work are not very flexible. Its hard, I just wish they lived closer.

Yes I could leave my DS with my DH which I will probably end up doing if we can find the £300 for flights and trains over.

And Only you are very perceptive! My parents definitely like the distant, remote life and would always prefer to be just the two of them and the animals. I think that is part of the reason they are now feeling scared as they are living somewhere so remote and are not healthy. I think I now feel very grown up.