Sister suffered physical abuse as a child - WWYD?

[GrahamGreene]

I'm 6 years older than my sister. We weren't close when we were younger due to the age difference but now we are in our thirties and have become closer. We also both have children of similar ages.

I have never got on with my mother - personality clash. To be honest I can't stand her. If it weren't that my children love her and dad I wouldn't bother contacting her beyond christmas and birthdays. My sister said that she hoped she didn't turn into our mother. I said there was no danger of that as my sister is a lovely person - patient, tolerant and kind. She then asked if I remembered the incident that happened when she was 9 when our mother had been walking her to primary school. I said "no". She then told me that our mother had lost her temper and slammed my sister forcefully into a brick wall several times and injured her so badly that she had to be taken to the school nurse.

I was stunned. I had no idea. I know our mother has a temper but she never scared me. My sister told me that this type of outburst happened several times - she was verbally and physically assaulted by our mother. My sister is still scared of her and she is also scared that she is going to turn out like that too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help my sister.

I am twenty-odd years too late to help her and have the abuse stopped. I asked her why she didn't tell me, I was 15 fgs I would have reported mum, told the school, I don't know but I would not have let the situation continue. My mother lost her temper with me frequently and yelled and screamed but never touched me. I think she knew that I would not have tolerated it.

I feel sick, ashamed, disgusted. How did I not know this was happening?

Worse, my sister clearly thought I did know and that I took my part in covering it up. That makes me feel physically sick and deeply sad.

I asked if our father knew. My sister doesn't know - she said she didn't tell him. If he knew about it I will lose all the respect I have had for him.

I have been going over this in my head for a week. Should I confront my mother (and father)? Would that make it better for my sister? I can't see how it would help her (although I know it would make me feel better in an immediate cathartic way if not long term).

The next time I will see my parents will be on Christmas Day at my sister's house. I'm not sure I can sit and make small talk without telling her that I know, and how I feel about what I know. I'm not good at keeping secrets or keeping my feelings hidden and the revulsion I feel for my mother is going to shine through me.

Please help me - what would you do? Can I help my sister?

Oh my goodness. Massive sympathy, you must be going through hell. FWIW you sound like a very caring sibling.

Perhaps I missed this in your OP but has your sister actually told you what she wants you to do (or not do)? Does she feel able to talk about it? And does she know you had no idea what was going on?

That's really difficult... I agree that you really have to take your cue from your sister.

Having said that, I would feel that to not mention it now is tantamount to colluding with it all over again IYSWIM; not that you ever did, but your sister thought you did, so this could be tricky.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Thank you both for replying. I haven't spoken to my sister about it yet. I get the impression that she wants to forget about our conversation.

Tinselperion I don't think she actually wants me to do anything in an active way, but i want to make sure that she knows that I am there for her (better late than never) and I want to help her deal with the issues she has from childhood. Most importantly of all I want her not to have to continue to be scared. My sister is intelligent, she knows that she has no logical reason to continue to be scared but she also acknowledges that the events have f her up to an extent. Perhaps I should have chosen Philip Larkin as my posting name instead - "They f** you up, your mum and dad". They certainly do!

She knows now that I didn't know at the time (if you see what I mean).

tethersjinglebellend. Thank you. I agree and I don't want to be part of this collusion. I want to mum to know that I know and I want to know whether my dad knew, either at the time or later. I also want them both to know that my sister is still affected by it and that they need to acknowledge it happened and own their actions/lack of actions.

I am not good at being diplomatic and I'm going to find it hard to swallow my bile with mum next week.

Christmas-wise - can you see your role as "supporting your sister"? Anything you do on Christmas Day in the way of polite bland smalltalk with your parents, is there to protect your sister. Swallow away ...

After Christmas, time to talk. With your sister, to say sorry for not noticing at the time (I know you were 15 and it wasn't your fault, but an apology never goes amiss, she's prob not going to get one from your parents). At any rate, to make sure she knows that what happened to her was abuse and that you are shocked and horrified, and will support her in whatever she decides to do.

And with your parents. Not because you have to fix your sister's relationship with them, but because this new knowledge has affected your relationship with them.

And ... how old are your dcs? Do you ever leave them alone with your mum? You say you only keep the relationship with your mum going because of them - I'd be rethinking that one.

GrahamGreene, you need to stop feeling bad that you didn't stop this. Even if you had known at the time it still wouldn't be your fault in any way.

I agree that you need to take your cue from your sister. You're not colluding with it by not saying anything to your mother - you've made it clear to your sister that it wasn't/isn't ok. It may just be painful for her to drag it up now.

Bertha our children are all pre-school. My mum doesn't spend time alone with them. We both live at least 30 minutes drive away and my mum doesn't drive so we either go there or she and dad drive over to one of us. I have, for other reasons, warned my mother that I would have no compunction about stopping her seeing my children should I feel it necessary and she knows I would do this. I also adore my dad (or I did, now I'm not so sure ) as do my kids and I have continued the relationship for him.

I will speak to my sister after Christmas. I will make it clear that I didn?t know, and that I am so sorry that I didn't realise what was happening. I am also guilty of letting my sister ?deal? with my mother for me. I have done this not just because I?m lazy but to keep the peace because I believed that she had a better relationship with mum and that mum listened to her whereas I just wound her up. I will not do this in future.

mockingjay - it is painful for her I think. It wasn?t my fault but we have always known that mum is very unstable: when we were children she would emotionally explode (tears, tantrums, threats to harm herself) and then disappear for days on end following an innocuous row, or refuse to speak to anyone for weeks. She will never apologise or admit that she is wrong about anything. I knew all this about her and I feel that I should have protected my younger sister from her and I didn?t. I can?t help feeling guilty.

I am going to talk to my father. I have to know if he knew about the abuse. That is critical for me. If he knew and did nothing then I suspect my relationship with both my parents will be at an end as my relationship with my mother is only really maintained for dad.

Thank you for helping me work through this. I hope you all have a really fantastic Christmas

Even if your Dad doesn't know about/doesn't remember/has blotted out any physical abuse of your sister by your mother, he was around and he was an adult, and a parent responsible for his children's education and wellbeing, at the times when your mother was having tantrums, threatening self-harm, and storming off.

How did he react during those instances? And what lessons did that teach you?

My dad was the stable influence that we had as children. He took the role of both parents and my mother took the role of household toddler. (My 3 year old is about as rational as my mother!) My dad worked nights so always collected us from school and fed us our evening meal, made sure we'd done our homework etc. before going to work.

When mum was "acting out" he would try and calm her, try and diffuse the situation. Get me and sis out of the firing line, diverting it to himself. But he also made loads of excuses for her and her behaviour - her crappy childhood, her hormones, whatever...

But he's also very emotional. If he didn't know about the abuse, and I tell him, it will break his heart.

Arghhh.... so difficult.