I have issues with sex

[Innkeeperno3]

I am hoping to figure this out. Have name changed as I am embarrassed.

I feel uncomfortable with sex. Am married, all fine but I do have some negative experiences from earlier in life for which I have had therapy. Thought I was ok with all that but since I had my kids I feel really not ok with sex. I feel anxious and exposed and crap at it. I don't ever give oral sex, just the thought of it makes me feel upset. I can orgasim easily enough but feel horrible afterwards.

I know it's not meant to be like this but I don't know what to do. I don't know what the root of the problem is. I know things that happened before are part of it but I wonder if there is just something about the way I am that makes me hung up about sex.

Dh doesn't know, he would take it personally. He never puts me under any pressure or anything and at the moment we are both too tired anyway for various reasons. I just feel like I am really not connected to myself sexually.

If you orgasm easily, you are connected.

The key thing is that you feel horrible afterwards. Perhaps childbirth has uncovered some of the emotions you hadn't dealt with properly? (how you feel when giving birth is strongly connected with the feelings you have during sex but of course childbirth is often particularly intense) I know you've already had counselling but do you think it might help to go back so that you can get to the root of what is causing this?

yeah it sounds like maybe the issues you dealt with in therapy have shown a new face or aspect since becoming a mother.

i can think of all sorts of reasons that might be but don't want to spout on about them in case of a) being well off the mark or b) being way too close to the mark.

would you consider revisiting therapy now and exploring what has made all this come up again?

sorry you're going through this x

Another vote here for looking into some more therapy. I think Relate offer psychosexual counselling, if not, perhaps your GP can recommend you to some. Sending you sympathy.

Yes if I could get something cheap. Although I am not sure how I would talk about it, it's taken months to post it here and I feel stupid enough.

The childbirth thing makes sense. Is it worth digging it all up I wonder. Might make me crazy!

childbirth stuff makes sense but also being a mother. especially if the things that happened to you had anything to do with your childhood.

lots of people who have problems in their past find they take on new dimensions after they have children.

for example people who were treated awfully or abused by their parents suddenly see their own helpless, dependent child in front of them and wonder how the fuck anyone could hurt their own child and new levels of hurt and rage come up. or they reconnect with how helpless and dependent they themselves were once and great wells of grief for themselves as kids spring up again.

not saying these things have anything in common with your situation - just giving examples of how having children can make things you thought were dealt with rear their head in new dimensions.

Please don't feel stupid about talking about it on here. It's a sign of strength and bravery.
I would also suggest more therapy, and I'd suggest one of the things to think about in therapy might be whether you think negatively of yourself - as you seem to think badly of yourself for having difficulties - which are entirely understandable if you have had traumatic past experiences - and for posting on here.
Wishing you all the best.

That makes sense. The sexual stuff happened when I was a young adult though. My family life was pretty dysfunctional, mum was an alcoholic so there is stuff going on there too. I moved about 5 years ago and swore I wouldn't talk about any of these things again, a clean start. Now the skeletons seem to be banging on the closet door.

X post. I know I have bad self esteem which I am keen to sort out before I pass it on to the kids.

I am scared of when they start to become sexual if you know what I mean. I am scared for them.

yeah. it makes sense. childhood stuff rearing in the face of having children. fears of things that happened to you older happening to them.

you know things just come up again - big life changes, new chapters etc bring stuff back up. it doesn't necessarily mean you're repeating old ground, it may be the same stuff at a new level, or different aspects of it that now need dealing with. and you will deal with it and put it all away again and then maybe it will rear it's head again for example when our parents get old and needy or we're facing their mortality. it's kind of inevitable.

there's no shame in it.

keeping on dealing with it when it comes up is brave and it's 'clean' you know? you don't let clutter and crap build up in that closet till it bursts the door and pours crap all over your life. you spring clean xx

Gosh thank you so much for saying it's clean because it doesn't feel that way. I hate it and feel after five years of therapy it should be done with. Maybe I will chat with my gp, see what they say.

you're welcome - wasn't sure it would make sense and glad it did

Please don't be afraid of your feelings - they are not your fault and they won't make you go crazy. A good therapist will help you to stop feeling guilt about what happened to you. Many of them do reduced rates for people on low incomes (my therapist currently charges me £35 an hour because I can't afford the full rate at the moment).

Therapy can be painful and I often felt a bit scared as feelings rose to the surface that I didn't want to deal with but in the long run I'm a happier person who functions better so it is worth it. Take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself.

Yep, OP - all this is doing is telling you to go do a bit more work on yourself for the better.

Good luck!