10yo dd is now refusing to see my mother

[VivaLeBeaver]

I've posted previously about my problems with mum. Main thread here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1353614-Toxic-bitch-of-a-mother-says-shes-not-setting-foot-in-my-house-again

Ive seen my mum twice since this happened, the first time we met for coffee and dd was there and refused to look or speak to my mum at first. Mum repeatedly asked dd why she was ignoring her and I had to explain that dd was still upset about what had happened. Mum said she was being ridiculous. I think I managed to drag a few words out of dd in the end.

Then I saw mum again at her house on my own.

Told dd earlier that I want us both to go round tomorrow and see her. Dd says there is no way she's going. She started crying and said that grandma had upset her too much and that she's a mad old biddy and she never wants to see her again.

Do I force her to come or accept she has a point and tell my mum that these are the consequences to her actions. Mum still thinks she did nothing wrong btw.

Treasure the future relationship you hope to continue to have with your DD. That is the future and that is where your loyalty lies.
Your mother is in the past (fortunately you may think) Whatever happened between you two must not be allowed to wreck your daughter's chance of happiness. Be brave. You can still see your mother if you want to but don't inflict her o9n the DD.

Viva

You, like many adult victims of such toxic parenting received when a child, are trapped in FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

You are and were not responsible for your mother's mental health issues; her own grandmother did that to her. Abuse like this is generational in its onset. This abuse has filtered down the generations and now this damaging legacy lies now with you and now your DD is seeing it. You are not powerless; you can stop this damaging legacy affecting you and your DD any more than it already has.

Please Viva, talk to someone re your dysfunctional relationship with your mother. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

If your DD does not want to see her gran (and it is certainly understandable why that is) you cannot take her.

I dont think your daughter is wrong to be upset, nor do I think she is being unreasonable in wanting to avoid her grandmother, but if you are going to continue having a relationship with your mum, then I think your daughter also has to try to re-establish one.

I don't think that your DD is wrong to be upset, but I don't see why your DD has to re establish the relationship. Your mother is the adult here and she needs to amend her behaviour. You have obviously had a lifetime of putting up with it-well done DD for not. You can carry on if you want but there is no need to take DD. If her grandmother wants a relationship it is up to her, as an adult, to try and mend fences. I would keep out of it.

Squeaky normally I agree with you but right now I'd say that there are people we have to spend time with that we don't like and people we don't have to spend time with who are positively frightening. Right now, Viva's mum falls into the frightening group.

It's not like she's some little old lady who smells of wee, dishes out the Werthers Originals and bores DD to death, is it now.

If it helps......

I have dumped toxic mother, sisters their husbands, and now my husband.

The benefits to my children are beyond measure. I can see the changes soooo quickly, they are calmer, quieter, they play together beautifully and care about one another..naturally, because they are beautiful wonderful children....as children naturally are.

I don't want those freaks that surrounded me for all my life poisoning my dc's with their toxicity, as they did me, and which took one hell of a lot of therapy and MN threads to change.

The point...I did it..it's tough, but so, so, so worth it. I will hold your hand if you like.

I have a feeling that we're going to naturally start drifiting apart now anyway. Its just so difficult to go and see her if dd isn't coming.

I didn't go at the weekend as I was busy with dd. Mum just rang me this morning and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee today and I can't as we're busy. And anyway I'd have dd with me. I offered to go to hers tomrrow evening but she's out. Then I'm working every day up to Xmas so it'll be after xmas that I see her now.

You don't "naturally drift apart" from a toxic person like your mother, that's wishful thinking: toxic people can't allow the loss of the hold they have on you.

If you want no/less contact with your mother, you are going to have to be very firm and very consistent about it.

Your daughter's instincts are so right. Don't override them and instill in her a lifetime of self-doubt by forcing her to do something that she instinctively senses is not healthy for her.