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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men...I need your answers!

19 replies

alittleupset · 10/01/2006 18:57

Do you ever go off sex?
My DH isnt as randy as he used to be and he says he still fancies me but gone off nookie.
I am hurt. What do you think?

OP posts:
mumatuks · 10/01/2006 19:05

Is he stressed out at work?

Buy one of those little silky nighties and surprise him, that'll get him in the mood.

Joking aside though, I can understand you feeling hurt. Is there more to this than we can see?

MummyDayDream · 10/01/2006 19:27

May sound obvious - are you both getting much sleep? - Could he be just completely knackered? Or doesn't that work for men????? - Come on MN blokes, where are you all?

carlk · 10/01/2006 20:02

It can be difficult for any couple to retain the spark in a relationship, life gets in the way of being a couple, kids especially can alter the dynamic, work worries, money worries can all sap libido.
finding out how he really feels -what the problem is for him- is the key. you know him you know how he responds to opening up emotionally.
why not take a step back from full on sex and go back to basics like cuddling up on the sofa together doing something together just for the two of you

alittleupset · 10/01/2006 22:13

He is a little tired yes, but this seems to have been going on a while. I am worried he has just gone off me, but he assures me he hasnt. Says he loves me and is in love with me. He thinks I am fantastic etc etc. Must admit i do moan about the lack of sex. Its either 4 or 5 times a week or twice a month. I am a pretty insecure person and feel he has to have gone off me or maybe getting it else where?!
Thought men always wanted it.

OP posts:
justadad · 10/01/2006 22:39

Not sure if I count as a "real man" 'cause "real men" don't go about contributing to parenting threads , but here's my tuppence-worth.

Sex has certainly slipped down the agenda with the arrival of 2 kids, predominantly through tiredness, but it's kind of self-perpetuating. We get round to "making the effort!" and remember what jolly good fun it is and so that re-kindles desire on both sides. Then we have some shitty nights, colds etc and it slides back down the list a bit.

In the madness of family life (at least how ours currently is) it can seem nigh-on impossible to get the motive and opportunity to coincide. If the only opportunities are last thing at night or first thing in the morning, sleep requirements certainly can kill off any amorous feelings I may have had earlier in the day!

alittleupset · 10/01/2006 22:46

so do I believe him when he says he still fancies me, but gone of knooky a bit?
Can he still fancy me but not want to sleep with me?

OP posts:
Auntymandy · 10/01/2006 23:06

maybe you need to have a chat. and concentrate on your relationship without sex? Build on it and the sex side hopefully will come back.

carlk · 10/01/2006 23:13

dont make too much of this, if you still are having regularish sex, then things are probably ok. Does he know how you feel?

men can be affected by pressure from partners too dont make this into a problem for him where he has to perform as it could be counter productive

hunkermunker · 10/01/2006 23:15

The bit that worries me about what you've posted is where you say "Thought men always wanted it" - that's such a broad generalisation.

Talk to him, definitely. But believe him when he says he fancies you unless he gives you good reason not to.

alittleupset · 10/01/2006 23:17

Its just when he lies next to me I tingle..I love him and want him so much. Iy hurts to think he doesnt feel that way about me.

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lazyanna · 11/01/2006 09:05

I'm not sure I'm helping, but I'm more interested now than I can ever remember being, but my DH seems oblivious - I don't think he doesn't fancy me, it just doesn't occur to him anymore.

I want to feel loved, and sexy, but he doesn't have a clue.

kama · 11/01/2006 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alittleupset · 11/01/2006 09:13

Thank you for your answers. I feel a little reassured. I have said to him that i know love doesnt equal sex and I understand. The thing is when we get down to it its fantastic and lasts ages. He is very considerate. I do wonder if he feels he needs to 'put on a good show' I am quite happy with sleepy sex that requires very little effort.
I need to feel loved, thats all

OP posts:
kama · 11/01/2006 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alittleupset · 11/01/2006 09:36

yes I have

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alittleupset · 11/01/2006 16:05

so you think I am paranoid?

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stevep4 · 12/01/2006 00:18

Hello,
As I am of the other gender and not quite a dad yet, not sure if I should be even reading these threads, let alone posting a reply !!

Have just joined tonight after studying the "best of" sections for nappies etc. We are expecting our first in June.

My opinion is that alittleupset should not be worried about hubby being a little uninterested.

I am sure that many men have times when sex is not top of the list. Having been a randy sod myself, I am even surprised when I would rather go and put the kettle on.

Have you considered that you hubby may be under some stress in his life? At work, the kids, ageing parents, his own health etc?
How about your own age (whatever it is). Us boys are peaking in our late teens whereas you girlies dont really get going until your thirties

In my case, having been trying in earnest for over a year to get preggers, counting days, measuring temperatures, ovulation kits etc. then being called upon to "do my thing", sex can become a job, rather than a recreation.

Take your love making back to the basics and work up to it. Romance, cuddles, no kids for the night, warm bath (together??) etc.
You could always try a different approach, different room, position etc. Perhaps he is still in love with you, but not vanilla sex (might as well do a hand wash...).

Try and put the fun back into your togetherness and intimacy and I am sure that soon enough the nookie will return with abundance.

Best of luck

alittleupset · 12/01/2006 09:56

Thanks steve. Trying not toput pressure on him. Although things have been good for the last couple of nights!
I have talked to him. I know I am an insecure women,this is from my past and I need to learn to move forward. My ex used to tell me how bad I was in bed, how fat I was how ugly I was, so maybe I worry because of this.

OP posts:
Auntymandy · 12/01/2006 13:53

Hope you work it out
Enjoy this relationship and forget the past.

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