Would you say something or let it go?

[kumquatsarethelonelyfruit]

Last Xmas MIL gave DS1 (aged 6) a bath bomb factory for xmas. This was after visiting and seeing that we had already bought him one for his birthday, playing with it and us all agreeing that is was crap. She said she had already bought him one but I assumed she would keep it for someone else and buy him something else. Nope, he got a bathbomb factory (plus I must add a top but he sees clothes as disappointing). She is by no means hard up (has a good job and good lifestyle but she is definitely tight with the cash). She nevers buys them anything apart from birthdays and xmas. Anyway, in the summer she mentioned that she had bought DS a box set of books from the book people (£15). I said thanks but actually he already has all those. Guess what DS gets for his birthday? It is starting to annoy me a bit. Not about the actual gifts, DS has plenty and is not overly bothered. It's more that she is very begrudging of the fact that we are quite hard up and I do think it doesn't bode well for the future that she isn't bothered about making DS excited by giving him a thoughtful gift. I am aware that no one is entitled to a gift. I am also aware that DS isnot bothered. What bothers me, I guess, is the lack of thought and love in such a gift.

In the great scheme of things it's probably not that important. It's a bit hilarious, don't you think? Good that DS isn't bothered. Best to keep it that way.

Yeah. I'd feel really awkward bringing it up and DS couldn't care less about such things. I suppose it's more that my kids don't have a single grandparent who would go that extra mile to make them happy. Mine are crap (but overseas) and MIL is somewhat victorian and flinty. I had an amazing grandmother, the biggest influence in my life, and I am just sorry that no one wants to be like that to my kids (who are very affectionate).

Can you, as politely as possible and appealing to her thrifty nature, say you'd hate to see her waste her money and does she want to give you the receipt so you can return it or would she rather swap it herself because there's not much point in having two sets of books?

Particularly unthoughtful presents do wind me up - I'd prefer a lovely card with something thoughtful written in it. My DB got my dad the SAME CD 3 times in a row (Birthday, Christmas, Birthday) and my dad is too polite to say anything but I had to in the end. In my DB's case it was him thinking, like a goldfish, on every occasion, Ah dad loves {x band} I'll get him their new one, and forgetting he'd already bought that present. My dad laughed the second time but the third time was a bit much so I had a quiet word and offered to swap it for a different CD and my DB (who is lovely) was mortified. Doesn't sound like same situation here (because otherwise her response would immediately be - oh what can I swap it for then?) but if you're thrifty why on earth would you waste money?

Yes, reminds me of DH's dad and his stepmum. Every year they got him a second hand coffee pot (Step mum worked in a charity shop) - fine - but who needs 20 coffee pots when you ONLY DRINK TEA??? It hurt DH quite a lot as it was symbolic to him of how little they knew or cared about him.

Does your ds not say to her I've already got this Granny.

DS is somewhat 'detached from reality' - wish he would say something or kick up a spoilt child stink but he doesn't.

I think you need to be a bit more proactive with people like this. If she spends about £10 - £15 then get in first with a suggestion of a suitably priced item along with a comment about not wanting her to waste her money like the last few times and then if she does follow your advice make a big fuss of thank yous and how pleased he is (from DS if he is old enough but form you as well) for a bit of Pavlovian training. If she doesn't then a Oh that's lovely but I hate to think of you wasting your money...shall I?..or shall you? EVERY TIME.

It's not about the money. A really unthoughtful present can be a lot more hurtful than no present at all.

I've had to give up with ex MIL and presents. She asks for suggestions which she then ignores. Clothes are always too small, toys usually too young or she chooses stuff that the kids just don't have any interest in. The kids accept them with good grace, it's her money that's being wasted and the charity shop iften benefits. In the grand scheme of things, i choose not to make it an issue. it does hurt that she knows so little about the children - but that's just symptomatic of her relationship with them in general.

kumquats

What does your DH make of these gifts his mother gives your son?. Has he spoken to her about her thoughtlessness or is he afraid of his mother's reaction to being challenged?.

Maybe she's poorly or just not that bothered about the GC. She sounds like she doesn't see them often or have a 'knowing' relationship with them. In those circumstances it is near impossible to buy well for a small child, so it may not be entirely her doing if this is the case.

DH does not feel close to his mother at all. I think he would hate to confront her about this issue - he is not a confrontational person. He tends to bury his head in the sand and hope it'll all just go away.

His father died last year (MIL and FIL divorced a long time ago) - he harbours a lot of very supressed anger and resentment towards both of them. Both his parents were/are very emotionally detached people. DH does not expect any more of them towards his own kids. I thnk DH should probably be in counselling actually but he is not keen on the idea. He has a very low self esteem and is quite a negative (but very lovable and loving) person.

Sadly she isn't going to change and you should just let it go.

Having crap grandparents is a shame, especially as you have such great memories of your own. However, presumably ds does have 2 awesome parents, maybe you didn't have that as a kid?